one of those nights

it's almost 2am and i'm still wide awake.

so why am i up? because i'm enjoying some "me" time. the hub and kids are asleep and i'm multi-tasking: charging my ipod, blogging, checking my emails and chatting on msn. it's a rare occasion which i've come to cherish as these fleeting moments spring up ever-so-rarely. once a month, if i'm lucky.

so here i am, in the dead of the night, typing furiously on my almost-obsolete notebook. i can't speak for other nocturnal creatures but i am usually more sombre and reflective in the wee hours of the morning. when this happens, my mind starts to wander and i start to ponder about general "me" stuff. in other words, about what i've done so far in my life and what's missing.

quite a far bit, if i may add. what i'm missing.

i miss people. faces i haven't seen, names i haven't called out in years. the ones who offered their shoulders when i needed to cry rivers. those who smiled and listened while i wailed, ranted and raved. how often had i said "let's keep in touch", meant it, yet never did?

i miss my freedom. these days, i make decisions which would not compromise on my children's welfare. they have become my priority in life and my world now revolves around them. there are spasms of regret that i no longer live for myself. the girls are my responsibility.

i'm a mother. a scary thought.

woah.

parenting is a dreadfully serious business. notwithstanding the excruciating process of childbirth, i don't know how i managed to get talked into producing not just one but two babies.

i miss being "me". which leads me to my next question: who am i really?

sounds like another incoherent argument surfacing. an obvious indication that my inner demons are struggling to gain control over my rationality. either that or it's time for me to hit the sack and catch up on sleep. i think the z monsters have arrived to soothe this savage beast.