Life & Times of Mumsy

These days, my life is, quite literally, an open book.

With Web 2.0 tools so easily available, I'm spoilt for choice. My preferred channels continue to be blogs, Facebook (FB) and most recently, Twitter. It's fun to read the responses I get when I update my status either via FB or Twitter. Besides, you can tell quite a bit about people from the comments they make.

And because I like to express my feelings through writing, my personal favourite is still blogging because this allows me to delve into details. Twitter acts more like a headline or teaser so it's useful when I just want to post random thoughts without elaborating.

I know some people are uncomfortable about dishing out personal details about their lives in such a public sphere. To them, it's akin to washing dirty linen in public. But I do have some "rules" which I've put in place and I'm careful to reveal only certain bits and pieces of my life.

In other words, I practise self-censorship.

One of my main reasons for penning my thoughts is that I'm using this as a platform to express myself. I'm also using this as a way to document my own experiences for my girls so that when they're older, they can read for themselves what I've been going through.

Over the last few months, I've witnessed many situations in which parents and children suffer a breakdown in communication and this is usually caused by differences in thinking, i.e. the "generation gap". I know it's only going to be a matter of time that I'll fall prey to this natural phenomena when my children will start to drift away and resent my presence.

No matter how open I am, no matter how close our relationships are, I am sure they will start to retreat into their private worlds once they "come of age". I'm constantly reminded of this by reports in the media and also when I hear my own students talking about strained relations with their parents.

Perhaps this is why I'm trying to keep myself abreast with trends and new communication tools. I don't want to be outdated and lose touch with what's current.

Am I trying too hard? I have no answer to this. All I know is that I *refuse* to be a mother who's unreasonable and won't try to communicate with her kids in a manner which they're comfortable with. At the same time, I don't wish to spoil them rotten.

*Sigh*

I wish parenthood came with an instructional manual and a money back guarantee too.

TODAYonline | Hot News | 401 suicides last year: SOS

TODAYonline Hot News 401 suicides last year: SOS

From a mother's perspective, this is possibly the most gut-wrenching tragedy to experience: that of your child taking his or her own life. The guilt that consumes soon-after, the horrible realisation a loved one was calling out for help, and nobody responded or even realised something was wrong.

All it takes is that little nudge to throw things off balance. And then it's too late. A life lost. And the effects are irreversible.

There are a plethora of reasons why someone would want to contemplate suicide: being driven to a corner, feeling desperate, lost and helpless, with seemingly no way out.

I've been there. Although it was an abrupt decision that stayed for all three seconds and vanished promptly, the fact remained that the idea was tempting.

This happened many years ago, when I was about 15 or 16. The usual combination of pressure from parents, school work, identity crisis, self-doubt etc. resulted in the creation of an emotional wreck.

I was having difficulty coping with school work: flunking Mathematics, Physics and Chinese continuously. It didn't help that my friends were brilliant students who constantly obtained no less than distinctions when I was struggling to scrape through. This in turn affected my other subjects like English, Literature and History which I sometimes sacrificed in order to spend more time on my weaker ones. Unfortunately for me, I had to choose a Science combination at school because that was the only option available and for the longest time, I loathed this because I was clearly an Arts student.

Of course, there was the usual range of relationship issues which plague teenagers incessantly: crushes, infatuations, situations of being sandwiched between friends and lovers etc. I was caught up in many of these intricate webs and it was an exhausting affair to extricate myself out of complicated messes.

My parents were not very expressive (save for the usual torrent of verbal lashings which were aimed at my incompetence, laziness and overall appalling behaviour) and couldn't deal with the changes their teenager was going through. I was an emo kid. Back in the 80s and 90s, this term hadn't been coined yet, but yes, I definitely was emo.

I managed to overcome my personal issues with the help of friends, the same wonderful bunch whose names were pinned up on the board when the 'O' level results were released - the ones who got 10/9/8/7/6 distinctions. They didn't care if I was "academically challenged" and didn't laugh when I managed to secure 2 distinctions (a pale comparison to their 10/8/9/7/6) and I think that encouraged and motivated me. Though we aren't as close as we are today because our own work and family commitments, I'm thankful and grateful that they provided listening ears and kind words, and pulled me back from the brink.

As a teen, I discovered another way to overcome my little pockets of depression: writing. I churned out several short stories and poems whenever I became moody in school. And it's a practice I still continue till this day, as you can plainly see. For me, writing is therapeutic although to some others, it's viewed as a complete waste of time. Personally I think it's rude and inconsiderate to comment otherwise. Everyone has different coping mechanisms and strategies and we should all learn to accommodate each other.

My reasoning, no matter how clouded it was back in those dark days, was much influenced by emotions and sense of responsibility. Perhaps that was also my saving grace because I immediately felt ashamed about even daring to entertain the possibility of ending my own life. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my own parents through my selfish, foolish and ridiculous actions.

This entry didn't start out as a pouring-of-woes confession. That was hardly my intention at all. But, as usual, now that it's out in the open, I feel like a burden has been lifted because very few people actually knew what I was going through when I was younger, that I even harboured such terrible thoughts.

Back to my original point. Suicide is a cruel and painful way of leaving this world. Cruel and painful to the ones who have to continue the journey of life with memories of what-could-have-beens. Perhaps the 401 people who terminated their own lives should have pondered over this a little more before they executed their deadly actions.

Emo Mumsy Alert

*WARNING: Long Entry*

For the last few weeks I've been feeling a little blue. Ever since Monday, things have gotten worse. I've tried to put my finger on it, but I couldn't seem to pin down what's causing this minor depression of sorts.

So. What are the possible causes of this emotional instability?

On the home front, there's been some frustration trying to work out Xian's academic schedule and making arrangements for her to start classes at DAS. She's still struggling with her homework, particularly Mathematics which also happens to be my weakest subject in school and I'm of not much help. There's also been disagreements about differing approaches towards her education: the use of persuasive motivation vs old school military discipline.

Wen's turning out to be quite a worrying problem too. Wen's inattentive in class because she becomes bored, restless and distracted by her classmates easily. Her English teacher from Jan & Elly observed that she's trouble catching up in class and is lagging behind her peers. He hinted that there's not much he can do and suggested that she starts on individual coaching (that would cost me a bomb!) Alternatively I could send her to DAS for as assessment but the hub's dead set against this because he doesn't think Wen's dyslexic.

At work, I've been given more tasks and responsibilities. However, as my new appointment started mid-way through the term, my teaching workload remained status quo. Actually, I'm quite glad I got to keep my classes because that's the MAIN reason why I'm in this job: I love teaching.

This week, my Corporate Events Management (CEM) class went down to the Singapore Garden Festival at Suntec City to collect more Pebble Pledges. All thanks to my old friend Kenny who allowed them the opportunity to work on a real event with a real client. As their tutor, I went down to cheer them on and was impressed by their determination and boundless energy. Mind you, this isn't even their Grand Finale which, by the way, will be held at City Square Mall next Saturday, 31 July 2010, from 1 to 4 p.m.

Yeah, that was pretty much an open, hard-sell plea to get more visitors to support our event.

Teaching CEM is always an exhausting affair because tutors definitely "teach" more than the allotted 3 hours per week. I get frequent updates by email and sms, and have had to try resolve countless issues. It's a never ending task till the event is well and truly over. Yet, my sadistic nature thrives on such challenges and although it's time-consuming and energy-draining, I enjoy teaching this subject. It helps that I'm working with Kenny (my ex-chairman during our student council days at NYJC) on this project as we've been friends since 17 and know each other pretty well.

But no, this cranky, brooding mood I'm in has got nothing to do with my CEM class and I'm quite resigned to the fact that my own children will need lots of guidance and support in their school work. No matter how stressed I am at work, it's never affected me emotionally to THIS extent of being angsty, irritable and helpless.

Perhaps it's a combination of various factors that have resulted in the culmination of this mental state. The Super Me dream could be a subconscious sign that I'm losing control and focus in the real world, and that I should fight back and lay claim on my own life. And when I'm in one these moods, I usually listen to a particular genre of music: edgy, acoustic, emo rock tracks like this song from Scouting for Girls, "This Ain't A Love Song":

As the old saying goes, music does soothe the savage beast.

The radio channel in Pollie (my car) is permanently fixed at Class 95. But yesterday, I became irked by the music playlist and switched between Power 98 and Perfect 10 - music stations that offer noiser music catered to the grunge youths. For some strange, unexplainable reason, I wanted to turn up the volume to the sounds of heavier guitar riffs to drown out everything else.

And boy, did it feel good. It was as if all the pent-up anger that I'd been bottling up for weeks exploded with every beat of the drum.

Today, on my way home from work, realisation swept over me. I finally found the cause of this unsettling emotional state.

I was in love. And I was heart-broken.

Before you jump into conclusions, let me clarify that my marriage is NOT on the rocks and that I love my hub dearly and have no intention of severing ties with him.

The object of my affection is not another man or any other person for that matter.

I'm in love with BCM2006 - that's the course code for Film Theory & Criticism. And I'm ripped apart because I won't be teaching it next semester. Instead, I've been given another subject to manage because my team's shorthanded (my colleague who's usually the Subject Leader of the module is on maternity leave).

Stupid though it may sound, I was absolutely crushed when I discovered that I wouldn't be teaching film in the October semester. Unequivocally devastated. My immediate reaction was that my class had lodged a complaint, possibly because I forced them to watch Orson Welles' Citizen Kane and Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai amongst other films. (In my defence, I'll maintain that no self-respecting film student can ever get away from watching these two critically acclaimed classics.)

Then again, if it were *REALLY* that terrible to sit through 4 hours a week in my classes, then I should have many absentees every week, right? I wouldn't have an *almost* perfect record of 23 out of 23 students in EVERY single lecture/tutorial for the past 11 weeks, would I? So far, only 1 student was absent this term and she was on medical leave. And on one occasion, I'd dragged the lesson till 6.15 p.m without realising and no-one in class even protested, hinted that I'd exceeded class time or told me to shut up. And these students aren't meek, mild-mannered and mindless. They're vocal, inquisitive and would stop me mid-way through lectures with questions.

I may not be the best teacher in the world but I know I ain't that atrocious to get kicked out of class. I'd reviewed the notes, updated the materials and changed the film list to include a broad range of films. Didn't my previous class give positive comments and feedback about the subject and delivery?

*Sigh*

My (new) boss assured me that I'll have a chance to teach the module again next year. I understand the team's position about subject allocation and am mindful that we really are temporarily understaffed. I'm pleased to be subject leader of Corporate Journalism & Publications and savour the opportunity to inject some new ideas for the subject in October.

But fact remains that I won't be teaching Film. And this has hit me really hard. I've been in education for 9 years and while I do have pet subjects (the ones I really look forward to teaching), I've never EVER had such strong reaction when I'm not given a subject to teach.

After mulling over this, I've concluded that I enjoy teaching Film for two reasons:

Firstly, I love films and can watch the same movie countless times and not get bored. And every time I view the movie, I notice details that I'd missed out previously and this never fails to excite me.

Secondly, and more importantly, Film is an elective subject. This means that students get to CHOOSE the subject and most of them do so because they have a keen interest in films. (Unlike other subjects which are core modules where the students don't have a choice.) Hence it's much easier to reach out to them because they are willing learners and some actually enjoy their assignments. Half the battle is already won. And for an educator, that's a crucial plus point.

I know I'll get the chance to teach this subject again, and it really isn't the end of the road. I do feel a little silly getting all worked up over a seemingly miniscule issue. It shouldn't warrant such strong reactions. But this trivial episode made me realise how seriously I take my teaching and affirmed that I am indeed in the right profession.

In two weeks, the school term will end and I will say goodbye to my film class. I decided that I'll leave on a high note so I'm arranging for a "field trip" with my class to catch Inception, the latest contemporary Sci-Fi action-heist film by Christopher Nolan starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Of course, it's not just an excursion to watch a movie - they'll be required to submit a film review within 24 hours. :)

Once again, pouring my heart out has been therapeutic and I do feel less tensed-up. Will now busy myself with organising the field trip for my class. Hope they'll enjoy it.

Super Me!

Had a weird dream just a few nights ago.

I was a Superhero in an alternate reality.

Yup, you read it right the first time.

Only I can't recall what super powers I possessed. And I didn't wear garish costumes or donned colourful spandex tights. It would've been a god-awful sight if I was garbed in such striking attire, especially since I have all the curves at the wrong places!

Anyway, the most vivid fragment I can recall: I was a member of some superhero league (much like Justice League which was made up of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern etc.) in an out-of-Singapore modern day setting (e.g. Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight) and I was the only female in the group.

Strangely enough, I had a young daughter but was a single mum trying to eek out a living (as a teacher?) and keeping my double identity a secret. No details about whether Superhero Me was divorced, widowed or even married (ooooooo, scandalous!)

In a particular scene, I remember kneeling down next to my daughter's bed, stroking her head and watching her while she slept peacefully. Then I stood up and walked out to join the others for a mission. Blurry details followed and the next thing I knew, I was awake and my head was spinning. I immediately tried to go back to sleep so that I could continue dreaming because I was curious to discover how the "story" ended.

Alas, I wasn't able finish the dream so I really have no idea what took place. I did have some impression of combat moments and images of skyline nights. Typical superhero-crime-fighting scenes.

Why this dream even took place, I have absolutely no idea. But I suspect it's got everything to do with my Film Theory and Criticism class. For the past few months, I've been lecturing on topics like film form and narrative structures, stylistic elements like Mise-en-scene, Cinematography, Sound and Editing. And each week, I screen a film that best exemplifies the lecture topic. Naturally, I get to choose the films I like to watch so Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings and Tim Burton's Corpse Bride are definitely in the list.

Plus, I've been pouring over the students' film journals and read their observations, comments and analyses of various movies. A fair number wrote on superhero comic to film adaptions like Ironman, Hulk, Wolverine, Spiderman, Batman etc.

Perhaps that inspired my subconscious realm, jolted my imagination and transported me to another universe where I can *finally* have some power and control over my life.

Oh wait. Maybe THAT's my super power. To magically remove the cankerous influences and force them out of existence. Ha! That explains quite a bit :)

All I can say is that the brain works in mysterious ways. I'll admit that this lucid dream inspired and revitalised me, and awakened a sense of euphoria which had lain dormant in my soul for the last few years.

Now, if only I can go back to sleep and continue where I left off...

Dyslexia Misconceptions | Being Dyslexic

Let's not make any bones about it.

Xian shows symptoms of Dyslexia, although she's highly functional and is still able to cope with school work, albeit struggling.

Now I've reasons to suspect the Wen may be dyslexic too.

While I've come to accept these facts, my heart is heavy when I hear disparaging remarks made about my girls. Comments that are all uncalled for and uttered by the very people who're supposed to be encouraging them. Ironical that the term "caregivers" should be used when their emotional capacity is in the negative range.

Forgive my harsh and bitter words. I've been bottled up for far too long.

Dyslexia Misconceptions | Being Dyslexic

FIFA World Cup 2010 Finale

Exactly a week ago, at this very hour, I was getting ready to watch the most important soccer match of the year: the finals of FIFA World Cup.

Spain versus The Netherlands. The winner would etch their names in History as neither country has ever lifted the coveted trophy. The Spaniards were playing in their first ever finals. The Dutch were beaten twice.

Paul, the German Oracle Octopus, had picked Spain to win. I was rooting for Holland. I should have known better than to go up against a the eight-legged physic who's record is now 8 for 8!

Anyway, after watching how horrendously thuggish Team Oranje played in the finals, I reluctantly rejoiced when Spain midfielder Andres Iniseta sealed their fate with a goal in the 116th minute. Admittedly, my heart stopped when he netted the winning goal, and my fervent hopes for the Dutch underdogs were crushed. With 10 men and 3/4 of the players yellow-carded, the chances of equalising to drag out the match to a 2nd extra-time were second to none.

For Holland, it was an tragic case of three times a bridesmaid, never the bride. They were sooooooooooooooooo close to tasting victory but for some unfortunate stroke of luck, their unbeaten track record since 2008 came to a nasty halt when winning a match mattered most. Blame it on the rough tackles and ugly play of the orange-shirted team. Dutch stars Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie even claimed that referee Howard Webb was biased and favoured the European Champs.

Here are some highlights, or should I say, low points, of the match:

Spain played well, passing the ball accurately and bidding their time. They didn't resort to violence and cleverly waited for the opponents to grow restless and make costly mistakes. And the Dutch, desperate to win, fell into their trap.

In the finale, Holland's Wesley Sneijder and Spain's David Villa (who was substituted by Fernando Torres in extra time) were both denied an opportunity to win the Golden Ball and had to settle with 5 goals each. Uruguay striker Diego Forlan, who also scored 5 goals, won Best Player at the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

So Spain is now World Champion and they will get to defend their title in 4 years. And after fighting to stay awake for hours on end to catch the matches, I now have World Cup withdrawal symptoms. I'll be anticipating the adrenaline rush again. Brazil 2014 - I'll be waiting!

I'm on Twitter

I finally caved in and signed up for a twitter account last Friday.

So far, I've tweeted about 20 times and am still trying to figure out why or how people get hooked.

Anyway, for those who're interested in catching up on my irreverent, random thoughts, you can catch them on http://twitter.com/darthycdious

Please Support Project Pebbles

This year, my Corporate Events Management class is working on "Project Pebbles" and we need support from as many people as possible.

What you need to do is simple: just visit our "Project Pebbles" Facebook page and pledge your support for Mother Earth, declare your love for nature, friends and family - or simply just make a wish or air your views. Photos of the pebbles will be uploaded on our new Facebook page.

Head on over to our new page to find out how to write your messages of love for nature or for more details on our upcoming event!http://www.facebook.com/ProjectPebbles

It's that easy! :)

We also need you to "like" the page and it'll be great if you can help us spread the message too by passing this on to your friends.

A zillion THANKS in advance! :)

Yeah Oranje!

I can't believe it! The Dutch beat the Brazilians in the quarter finals!

What a shocker! I'd expected the Samba Kings to dazzle with their fancy footwork and slick passing skills. Indeed they lived up to expectations in the first 10 minutes with an opening goal by Robinho and looked set to cruise into victory at the end of the first half.

But this was not to be as the Brazilian' fortunes nosedived when the teams reconvened on the pitch after half time. The Dutch equalised in the 53rd minute (actually it was an own goal by Felipe Melo when he tried to head the ball away from the goal) and Wesley Sneijder's 68th minute header put the Oranje in the lead.

Then came the shocking red card for Felipe Melo as he stamped hard on Arjen Robben's hamstring. And that was the proverbial final nail in the coffin for Brazil. With 10 men and 1 goal down, it would take a miracle for the tournament's favourites to move on to the semi-finals, especially after the Dutch managed to get their act together in the second half.

Although both teams had advanced without losing a single match in the finals, I felt that Brazil's a much stronger team in terms of playing style, skills and technicality. So it was a major disappointment that they were knocked out as I'd expected them to play in the finals.

I've always been a supporter of the underdogs and I'd wanted Holland to score so that the game would be more exciting. I didn't think they'd beat Brazil and it was indeed a pleasant surprise. I guess the bookies and punters are in a rage now.

Here's the official write up on FIFA's page.

Next match: Uruguay vs Ghana, and the winners will meet the Oranje! But tomorrow's fixtures of Germany vs Argentina, and Spain vs Paraguay are more drool-worthy. Thank goodness it's the weekend and I don't have to be up at 5.30 to get Xian ready for school!