Almost The End (of 2010)

It's the last day of November and it's creeping me out!

I've had my fair share of Ups and Downs - perhaps a lot more disappointments than pleasant surprises - but there's still one more month to go. Hopefully, December will be the chocolate syrup on the mudpie! (I've been trying to cut down on chocolate 'cos it's been destroying my teeth and waistline...)

A couple of things lined up for December: Walking with Dinosaurs show with the kids at the National Indoor Stadium and a 3 Night Best of Malaysia cruise (family of 3+2+2) on board Royal Caribbean's Legend of the Seas.

Am I looking forward to the break? Well, yes and no. I mean, who wouldn't want a holiday? Although it's a short trip (and a short reprieve from work) and I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with my kids, I'd have preferred a longer vacation and one that will allow for a little more "freedom".

But who am I to complain? I should thank my lucky stars for what I have and not compare my situation with others.

All the same, I'm waiting for the day when I can finally break the chains of constraints. Then again, perhaps when the time comes, I may *actually* miss the moments of insanity and frustration.

Whatever.

Anyway, last Saturday was the school's 20th Anniversary Dinner & Dance at The Fairmont Singapore Hotel. 10 iPads were up for grabs as lucky draw prizes but alas, I wasn't fated to win any. There were over 1,000 staff - what were the odds of me laying my hands on one of them?

But my tablemates and I did enjoy ourselves with the games despite not winning anything. I didn't take many photos either but did snap a couple and here they are:

The 3 Amigos - taken from Ramesh's camera

Ms Cool "sandwiched" between the Mumsys

Half of Table 78

Table 78 and "guests"

Food for thought: will we all still be around for the 25th Anniversary D&D?

Today, I Rest

I woke up a wreck this morning but as the day progressed, things picked up a little.

No rainbows, sugar-coated cupcakes or pretty butterflies. But I'm able to breathe a little and sort out my thoughts.

The item which I thought I'd lost turned up at someone else's desk so I didn't misplace it after all. It just wasn't returned to me.

I'm just too relieved for words.

Other issues were clarified even though irreparable damage has already been done and my integrity was called into question. Whatever I worked hard to establish over the years was wiped out in an instant through no fault of mine. I presented my case, explained my part and will hope for the best. But I know things will never ever be the same again and that the smudged stain will remain despite applying the most effective cleaning agents to get rid of the traces.

I'm just too old for this type of emotional roller-coaster. Perhaps these few days taught me a lesson - don't ever be complacent and take things for granted.

Today, I rest my weary head and heart. I hope for a good night's sleep.

Today, I Despair

For the first time in many years, I suddenly feel like throwing everything away and going into hiding.

I'm a little ashamed to say it but I think I'm losing it - my stuff, my patience, my mind. Last Friday I lost my handphone. My battered and chipped Nokia N95 accompanied me to the washroom and that was the last I'd seen of it. It was an old phone and it had seen better days, but I was more distraught about losing the data - contacts and most importantly, photos and videos of my kids. I just don't like the thought of someone else looking through my messages, private details and memories of my family.

Today, I realised I lost something important and what's worse, it doesn't belong to me. I searched the whole office upside down, turned everything inside and out but I couldn't find it.

I've just about had it with myself and everything else. Maybe this is a sign that I should reconsider my options and take stock of what's happening in my life.

As predicted, Xian's results were disappointing but what's more upsetting is that I don't know how to help her pull through this. I don't have the answers and I certainly don't have the solution to solve her issues.

And I feel alone in this because everyone else in the family has a conflicting view towards her dyslexia. The hub strongly believes Xian just needs to work hard to overcome her learning disabilities. Everyone wants her to do better and is encouraging her in different ways. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive but some of the remarks, while uttered with good intentions, appear to have produced a negative effect on Xian. I sense her helplessness and frustration but I'm equally at a loss. Fingers point at my direction for not guiding her properly - what kind of mother am I for not spending enough time and effort in helping her revise her schoolwork before the exams? Why didn't I take leave from work to guide her properly?

At work, I'm scrambling to complete deadlines and handle administrative responsibilities that come with my appointment. I have no qualms about admitting that I am happier teaching. Management work is something I don't fancy and it's what I turned away from in my previous job because I wanted to focus and concentrate on being a teacher who'll make a difference to others' lives. I don't want the additional responsibilities of managing other people or being held accountable for the actions of others.

I'm no quitter, but today, I've had it. It's been such a long time since I've felt this miserable and I'm totally, absolutely disgusted with myself.

I'm not strong enough. I'm crying as I type this. I just fucking hate myself for being so uncharacteristically weak and for being in this deplorable state. I just want to lock myself away and throw away the damn key. I'm not asking for sympathy and I don't others to pity me because I don't deserve any and I sure as hell don't want to drag anyone down.

I'm writing because that's always been my way of coping with stress. And I was hoping that it would, as always, make me feel a little better.

But even this is not working. And I'm rambling on without a structure in place. I'm furiously keying in my thoughts as they flash across my mind.

Today, I despair.
My emotions are beyond repair.
I just want to scream.
I just want to escape.

Today, I am an empty tank.
My mind is a state of blank.
I just want to weep.
I just want to hate.

Today, I am derailed.
My five senses have failed.
I just want to disappear.
I just want to get away from it all.

What the hell is happening to me?

Parenthood 102

Parenthood is one heck of a scary journey.

And it's terrifying when I realise that even with a compass, map and GPS system in place, I will still have to fumble and try to figure my way around this long, winding path and there's no guarantee there'll be a light shinning brightly at the end of the tunnel.

I've completed the basic module Parenthood 101: The First 6 Years and now I've started on Parenthood 102: The Primary School Years. Last week marked the start of Xian's semesterial examinations. I'll be first to admit that I've not been diligently helping her with the revision. In fact, my parents are probably more anxious and worried, and they are the ones who've been supervising her closely. I don't recall them getting all flustered when I was in lower primary but I suppose times have changed.

Xian's dyslexia has also knocked some sense into me and I've adjusted my expectations accordingly. As long as she passes her examinations with credible grades (70 and above) I'm not going to quibble with it.

My fingers are crossed. Wish I could do the same with my toes. *~*

Although I never wanted to be a"kiasu" Singaporean parent and refrained from packing my kids off to endless enrichment classes, I realised that I could be doing them a disfavour if their peers are miles ahead. And the worst? Most teachers actually expect the children to be saddled with these extra lessons and hence assume that the kids already know the "basics".

Wen's going to K2 next year and I'm not taking chances because I realised Xian struggled with Chinese (which she's now taking as Higher Chinese in school). That's why I decided to send Wen to Han Language Centre to expose her to Chinese since our home environment is not conducive for cultivating a love for the language. There are several branches in Singapore and there's one just in Kovan where we stay so it's convenient for me to ferry her up and down.

Here's what I got from the website:

Pre-school Fun Learning 1 to 1.5hrs per session (Nursery to K2)
Designed to meet the key objective of arousing the students’ interest in the Chinese language, the programme brings the Chinese language alive through puppet role play, stories-listening, folk songs, interactive games, simple poems recitals and tongue twisters!

I sure hope that Wen will enjoy the classes and learn to appreciate Chinese and hopefully this will help prepare her for Primary school in 2 years' time.

With each child, I'm experiencing a whole new set of issues to deal with. Just wondering what I'll have to face when it's Wei's turn. Perhaps it's best not to worry too much about it and let things come naturally.

Murder of teen at Downtown East mistaken for Halloween prank - Channel NewsAsia

Murder of teen at Downtown East mistaken for Halloween prank - Channel NewsAsia

This must be the greatest Halloween horror story.

A nasty prank gone wrong? In any case, it's a disaster. One that will send shivers up your spine.