Parenthood: Meet the Tweens

What's your definition of a "good" parent, if there ever is an appropriate way to define one now that times have changed?

This whole parenthood business is driving me stark raving mad.

I'm now in my 10th year as a mum, and I've a long, long, LONG way to go before I can even claim that I'm doing a decent job.

I've combed through books, flipped countless magazines, surfed several dozen sites, listened to well-meaning advice from the elders...and I'm still clueless at the and of it all.

One thing I've learnt to trust is my instincts. It's true what people say about mums. We do have some kind of sixth sense when it comes to our kids.

Xian hasn't been well after several bouts of illnesses since June. She's lost her appetite and is now reed thin - she never was big to begin with so you can imagine how it scares me to see her pinafore hanging loosely on her almost skeletal frame.

But what I'm most concerned with now is her emotional and mental state.

She's become very insecure, stressed, worried and quiet. My once chatty girl is keeping very much to herself and only raising her voice when she's squabbling with her siblings. Every time she's supposed to attend tuition or enrichment classes she'll complain of nausea, stomachaches and headaches. It got to a point where she'd cry and refuse to go for classes. She's even complained about going to school and I suspect she has become a victim of bullying incidents.

The last 3 months have been very draining as I watch her struggle with school work. She's trying to keep up but she's lost confidence because she's unable to catch up. It's not helping when others around her chastise her for her "laziness" and "lack of effort".

Honestly, which NORMAL kid enjoys homework, tests and exams? Which NORMAL kid wouldn't want to goof around, procrastinate, play and have fun?

To me, Xian's being the average kid who's growing out of childhood and evolving into a teen. She's bound to face peer pressure and other "silly girly issues" revolving around friends, jealousy and possessiveness. Those who've never had daughters will never comprehend the intricacies of sensitive friendships among girls - one moment we're besties, the next we fall out over something silly and 3 weeks later we're BFFs again.

Xian's emotionally sensitive beyond her years, and she takes in everything she sees and views them seriously. A comment or joke could trigger off alarm bells in her young mind. After I managed to coax and wheedle information out of her, she shared her insecurities: her worries about her disastrous academic performance, her inability to concentrate in class, her "blackout" moments when she's sitting for a test, the pressure of being the eldest child and having to play role model to my younger girls, the perception that her parents' marriage is falling apart because she hears us arguing over the "right" way to help her improve in her school work etc.

There's a whole lot of problems for a 10-year-old to handle.

Unfortunately, Xian reminds me very much of myself when I was growing up. Friends were of utmost importance to me, and I became angry when my then-best friend decided to "change" her best friend "just like that". I was 11. I was very hurt and I cried buckets. I didn't even know why it happened and kept asking myself if it was something I did. Luckily for me, I had several other good friends and after a while I realised that it wasn't worth getting so worked up over such trivial matters. Of course, during that period, it was anything but trivial, and I was losing sleep over the friendship - a girl whom I've lost contact with after we left school.

My point is: girls are girls. We take such things VERY SERIOUSLY. We are affected by what others do, say or think about us, even if we pretend the words don't hurt when they actually do. A whole lot.

I was such a useless dumbnut with Mathematics (still am) and I remember my dad hurling my assessment book across the floor in frustration because I kept getting the answers wrong. My dad's a genius at Maths (like the hub) and he couldn't phantom why I couldn't get the easiest concepts right. I was accused of being lazy and stupid (this sounds familiar) and not putting in any effort to improve even though my head was bursting trying to work out the problem sums.

And you know what? Maths was the subject I HATED because I FEARED it. Why? Because every time I got my red-inked 'F' paper, I'd worry about how my parents would react. So I'd blank out whenever I had to sit for a Maths paper and then fret over how to break the news to my folks when they had to sign next to the big fat, 'F'.

So I can imagine what Xian is going through because I had a similar experience. But I think she's got a worse deal: not only does she have to face her parents, she's got to contend with grandparents breathing down her neck as well. (I could never look at my dad in the face when I had to show him my report card - which is why I usually got my mum to sign it.)

What I'm upset about is that I can't seem to help her. When I try to be understanding, I get accused of being a lazy parent who doesn't discipline her child. When I try to give her space to breathe, I am told I need to sit next to her and hawk over her while she studies.

What is the use of academic brilliance when the child grows up selfish, inconsiderate and displays the personality equitable to my toenail? I would rather have a well-balanced child who's confident in her own abilities. Someone who's comfortable in her own skin and wouldn't be overly concern when her peers score distinctions. I always tell my own students that there's more to life than getting 'A's. I share with Xian the same thing but she doesn't believe me. Why? Because academic achievements are rewarded over everything else, and that's the system she and many Singaporeans are conditioned into accepting.

The greatest irony is that those who're NOT in education believe they know it all and have the solutions to "fix" the problems in society. The Education Ministry is slowly waking up but it's too little, too late. I am getting tired of fighting this losing battle, but I keep telling myself to push on because I don't want my daughter to become another statistic.

And I'm very certain that once this entry is made public, I will get another torrential downpour on my parade. I'm not out to criticise or blame anyone for this situation. Rather than go around trying to shift the responsibility on others, I am offering to bear the brunt of my daughter's burden and accept that I have not been doing my job as a mother should.

I recognise that everyone in the family is pitching in to help, but from what I've seen, their efforts are equally futile.

Why do I seem to be the only one who can understand the situation? And why can't I convey the message effectively to the ones closest to me? Perhaps I'm a coward. I fear that by standing firm and fighting for what I believe in, I will be labelled a rebel and dismissed as ill-disciplined, stubborn, hopeless, useless etc. All-too-familiar terms which I've been accustomed to as they were the very same words thrown at me while I was growing up.

So why am I biting my tongue now? Because I know the severe repercussions if I were to utter these words. Those on the receiving end will jump to conclusions that I'm "spoiling" my children, that I'm too "soft" on them and they will grow up to be delinquents who'll end up as useless society bums. Theirs are very valid concerns too and I won't brush them aside carelessly. Having witnessed and even taught some of these new generation members of society in action, I am mindful that giving in too much to children's requests and pampering them to the extreme will do them more harm than good.

I don't think I molly-coddle my kids - in fact, I seldom give in to their material demands for stationery, toys, gadgets etc. unless it's their birthday. Even then, I stick to a maximum budget of $50. On the whole, my girls are pretty well-behaved despite the occasional tantrums and frequent squabbles they get into. Again, I'm sure it's normal and all part of the growing-up process.

There doesn't seem to be a solution to this and I suspect this "learning-on-the-job" modus operandi that I've adopted will be here to stay. In the meantime, I will continue providing Xian with emotional support and encouragement, and pray that she'll overcome her insecurities in time to come. That's the least I can do for her, at least for now.