Let Me Be
I detest social gatherings
where cackling vultures huddle
to gossip
to boast
to put others down
and burn their names to toast
I abhor congregations
where snooty women gather
to compete
to compare
to damage others' reputation
way beyond repair
I hate silent rendezvous
where whisperers assemble
to scheme
to plot
to cast votes
and seal the fates of our lot
Leave me alone
I want nothing more
Than to disassociate myself
From these vile, cruel hearts
From these senseless superstitions
That break people and families apart
Let me out
Spare me from such sessions
Let me be
I want no part in such liaisons
Let me break free
From the clutches of senseless traditions
Let me be who I am
Not who you want me to be
Not who I ought to be
Please unshackle these chains
And let me be
Let me be me
Teo Yuan Ching
28 February 2012
Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Red is ...
TODAYonline | World | Men prefer women dressed in red: Study
This is, well, interesting.
According to a new study, "Men are more attracted to women wearing red compared to other colours because they believe they are less likely to be rejected."
This gives me an idea of what to get the hub for his birthday. Something red. Or what an ex-Singapore 'Beauty Queen' once uttered, "Something rad."
According to a new study, "Men are more attracted to women wearing red compared to other colours because they believe they are less likely to be rejected."
Does this means that when a girl's decked out in red she's more likely to get picked up?
The hub's favourite colour is red. Mine isn't (it's blue, if you must know). But over the years, I've accumulated a variety of red pieces primarily because of Chinese New Year.
The hub's favourite colour is red. Mine isn't (it's blue, if you must know). But over the years, I've accumulated a variety of red pieces primarily because of Chinese New Year.
If I take a quick look at my cupboard, hues of blue and turquoise dominate 65% of my wardrobe. It's natural that I'm more inclined towards these colours because they don't scream for attention and are easier on the eyes. Which is perfect for me since I don't like to stand out. If I could, I'd rather fly way below the radar and keep a really, really low profile.
What I do know and agree with is that red is a striking colour and if you're photographed in a red outfit, you appear more vibrant and energetic. The whole colour psychology kicks in - trust me on this as I've done my research for teaching purposes.
Just think of all the English phrases out there that include "red" e.g. "red-blooded", "red herring", "paint the town red", "seeing red", "red carpet", "red-letter day", "in the red", "red-light district" to name a few. Commonality? Love. Passion. Anger. Power. Sex.
Just think of all the English phrases out there that include "red" e.g. "red-blooded", "red herring", "paint the town red", "seeing red", "red carpet", "red-letter day", "in the red", "red-light district" to name a few. Commonality? Love. Passion. Anger. Power. Sex.
This gives me an idea of what to get the hub for his birthday. Something red. Or what an ex-Singapore 'Beauty Queen' once uttered, "Something rad."
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved
I know this isn't a new song. It's not even from The Script's latest album Science & Faith.
But I absolutely love it. LOVE IT!
The die-hard romantic in me embraces this song whole-heartedly because the lyrics are simple yet meaningful. Talk about being steadfast, loyal, faithful, hopelessly devoted and love-struck.
But I absolutely love it. LOVE IT!
The die-hard romantic in me embraces this song whole-heartedly because the lyrics are simple yet meaningful. Talk about being steadfast, loyal, faithful, hopelessly devoted and love-struck.
The Man Who Can't Be Moved
Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am? "
Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you
'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving
Policeman says, "Son you can't stay here"
I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go
[Chorus:]
'Cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving
People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world
Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
'Cause you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved
[Chorus 2x]
Friday, February 24, 2012
Old Bones
It has begun.
I've noticed that my knee joints are starting to clack and creak when I stand for too long and then make a sudden movement.
I'm pushing 40 in two years. My body parts are beginning to show signs of wear and tear. Perhaps it's time I take a serious look at my health and start making retirement plans.
*SIGH*
Old Bones
Clack clack creak
Me bones they start to speak
Truth be told
Me fast growing old
Clack clack creak
Teo Yuan Ching
24 February 2012
Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching
I've noticed that my knee joints are starting to clack and creak when I stand for too long and then make a sudden movement.
I'm pushing 40 in two years. My body parts are beginning to show signs of wear and tear. Perhaps it's time I take a serious look at my health and start making retirement plans.
*SIGH*
Old Bones
Clack clack creak
Me bones they start to speak
Truth be told
Me fast growing old
Clack clack creak
Teo Yuan Ching
24 February 2012
Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Coldplay - Paradise
Funny how you can ALWAYS find a song that represents how you feel. Right now, Coldplay's Paradise is on repeat mode.
Paradise
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.
And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh
She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.
La la la La
La la la
So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
I know the sun must set to rise.
This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
This could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.
This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.
This could be para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Could be para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh.
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Battle Within
Two weeks have passed since Bonus departed and I sill haven't located that power switch to permanently shut down this nightmarish emotional roller coaster.
At times I feel I've pulled through the ordeal and have emerged a stronger person. I can be all smiles one moment and in the next minute I may suddenly slip into an abyss of self-doubt and cloak myself in melancholy for an hour or two. This is when I'm at my most vulnerable, and my mental faculties fail me. I crank up ridiculous hallucinations and allow myself to be consumed by worst-case scenarios.
And the internal battle rages as my twin selves wrestle back and forth for control. After the process is over, and when my rational side regains some semblance of sanity, I realise with horror that I'm truly capable of sinking into depression. Never thought I'd ever be in this state though I don't believe I've reached the stage where I need to seek any professional treatment.
Still, the truth is shocking, at least to me. I've always taken pride in my abilities to accept things as they are and put up with whatever that's thrown to me. But now, my defences are penetrable and I'm losing my grasp on reality. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never please everyone. I've to face the fact that some people will just never be satisfied. It's very draining having to live with such perfectionists who see faults in everyone but themselves.
I feel like such a coward for even entertaining thoughts of running away from my family, including the hub, and kids. In truth, I feel like I've been a huge disappointment, that I've failed in my responsibilities as a wife and mother, and that the sooner a replacement is found to take over, the better it would be for the whole family.
And then I'd get furious with myself for embracing such a defeatist attitude.
It takes a hell lot of effort to create the illusion that I'm all right, that I've come to terms with fate, that I'm moving on with life. And honestly, I've deceived myself into believing that as well. Nothing can be further from the truth. I've also discovered that the mind is indeed a dangerous entity and when permitted to wander, it will crawl into the deepest, darkest corners and shut itself away from the light.
So I have to fight, not with external forces, but with demons from within. In all my 37 years, this is my toughest challenge yet.
At times I feel I've pulled through the ordeal and have emerged a stronger person. I can be all smiles one moment and in the next minute I may suddenly slip into an abyss of self-doubt and cloak myself in melancholy for an hour or two. This is when I'm at my most vulnerable, and my mental faculties fail me. I crank up ridiculous hallucinations and allow myself to be consumed by worst-case scenarios.
And the internal battle rages as my twin selves wrestle back and forth for control. After the process is over, and when my rational side regains some semblance of sanity, I realise with horror that I'm truly capable of sinking into depression. Never thought I'd ever be in this state though I don't believe I've reached the stage where I need to seek any professional treatment.
Still, the truth is shocking, at least to me. I've always taken pride in my abilities to accept things as they are and put up with whatever that's thrown to me. But now, my defences are penetrable and I'm losing my grasp on reality. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never please everyone. I've to face the fact that some people will just never be satisfied. It's very draining having to live with such perfectionists who see faults in everyone but themselves.
I feel like such a coward for even entertaining thoughts of running away from my family, including the hub, and kids. In truth, I feel like I've been a huge disappointment, that I've failed in my responsibilities as a wife and mother, and that the sooner a replacement is found to take over, the better it would be for the whole family.
And then I'd get furious with myself for embracing such a defeatist attitude.
It takes a hell lot of effort to create the illusion that I'm all right, that I've come to terms with fate, that I'm moving on with life. And honestly, I've deceived myself into believing that as well. Nothing can be further from the truth. I've also discovered that the mind is indeed a dangerous entity and when permitted to wander, it will crawl into the deepest, darkest corners and shut itself away from the light.
So I have to fight, not with external forces, but with demons from within. In all my 37 years, this is my toughest challenge yet.
Friday, February 17, 2012
What's in a song?
It's been a week but my emotions are still raw and my nerves are frayed.
Every once in a while, the lump in my throat forms and fresh tears flow despite efforts to control myself. This happens mostly when alone and my mind starts to wander.
It doesn't help when I plug into my iPod while it's on shuffle mode and an emotionally-charged song hits me. Or when I'm driving and listening to the radio because I can't control the playlist.
And the one which gets to me every single time is Hoobastank's The Reason. Just the day before I was admitted to hospital, I drove MIL to the market. After she alighted, and while I was looking for a parking lot, the song came on.
I'm not a perfect person / There's many things I wish I didn't do
I quickly found a parking lot, slotted Pollie into the space, pulled up the brakes and sobbed. My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything except this deep searing pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was weeping uncontrollably and I'm sure strangers walking past my car must have been taken back at the sight of me crying behind the steering wheel.
Not that I cared, really. I think I just needed to let everything out and honestly, I did feel a sense of relief after a few minutes. I stayed in the car for a bit and made sure I regained my composure before I got out to collect MIL's marketing.
On Monday, after I'd left the hospital for my post-op check up, I joined the queue for the shuttle bus which would take me to Bishan MRT station. The hospital was under renovation and I refused to drive because parking lots were scarce and traffic flow a nightmare. This time, Journey's Open Arms did me in. And once again, my tear ducts went on overdrive. By the time I got off the bus and onto the MRT, my eyes were red. I kept wiping away my tears and again, I got uncomfortable stares from my fellow commuters who must have been absolutely relieved when I alighted at the next stop.
As I walked from the train station to the bus stop where the hub was waiting, I suddenly became conscious of my puffy eyes and desperately rubbed them in a bid to get rid of evidence. If the hub noticed, he didn't say a word, fortunately.
Obviously I haven't learnt my lesson about the effects certain songs will have on me during this emotionally traumatising period.
On my way home from work on Tuesday, the most unlikely of singers (and songs) smacked me unexpectedly - Katy Perry's The One That Got Away. Honestly, I didn't see it coming at all and for once, I was thankful for the red traffic light because it gave me some reprieve of sorts. And to make matters worse, Hoobastank's The Reason was on the playlist right after that.
You can well imagine my shaken state when I finally arrived home. I marched straight upstairs and stood under the shower for a good 10 minutes.
It's getting ridiculous. And I know the hub will be upset if he realises that I'm not keeping things together. He's been trying to get me out of the house, to catch a movie or go for a meal. But each time I cook up an excuse simply because I'm not in the mood to do anything except to vegetate in front of the TV where the flashy moving images can perfectly numb the brain. I even turned down his Valentine Day's date because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate anything - it didn't feel right, especially when I'm still grieving over Bonus.
Worse of all, I can't look the hub in the eye because I feel that I'm to blame somehow for this misfortune. Can't help thinking that Bonus didn't make it because of me, despite what medical experts may say.
Perhaps it's insensitive of me to pour out my private feelings onto such a public space, especially since some may get squeamish over my personal revelations. I don't want to apologise because I'm not flouting any laws or getting into legal trouble by expressing such thoughts.
I just need an outlet to vent my frustrations and grief. Rather than gorge myself silly and pile on unwanted kilos which is an extremely unhealthy option (I don't have much of an appetite anyway), I very much prefer to pen my thoughts. Writing's always been my therapy, my way of dealing with issues.
Regrettably, I've noted that my writing's altered over the years and I've deteriorated into adopting an overly simplistic narrative style. For an English and Literature graduate, I've definitely fallen short of expectations, particularly my own. Or maybe I'm just being bitter, and brutal self-criticism is a way of slapping myself with a much-delayed wake-up call.
This reflection of sorts has forced me to realise that my priorities have been messed up. I'm not driven to excel in my career - I don't aspire to take on managerial or supervisory positions, but since I've been given certain tasks and responsibilities, I won't shirk them. However, I think I've reached my limits and stupidly allowed my work to get the better of my health (and my family). I staunchly believe that my poor little Bonus couldn't survive such a harsh, stressful environment and yet I didn't do anything to change the situation.
Friends who've been in similarly distressful ordeals shared that what I'm experiencing is perfectly normal and assured me that in time, all will pass. I'm grateful for the wonderful support and encouragement throughout this trying period. This mourning must end at some point, and I've to get back on my feet for the sake of my three daughters and husband. Though I can't do anything for Bonus, I can definitely be there for the ones who need me.
Every once in a while, the lump in my throat forms and fresh tears flow despite efforts to control myself. This happens mostly when alone and my mind starts to wander.
It doesn't help when I plug into my iPod while it's on shuffle mode and an emotionally-charged song hits me. Or when I'm driving and listening to the radio because I can't control the playlist.
And the one which gets to me every single time is Hoobastank's The Reason. Just the day before I was admitted to hospital, I drove MIL to the market. After she alighted, and while I was looking for a parking lot, the song came on.
I'm not a perfect person / There's many things I wish I didn't do
I quickly found a parking lot, slotted Pollie into the space, pulled up the brakes and sobbed. My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything except this deep searing pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was weeping uncontrollably and I'm sure strangers walking past my car must have been taken back at the sight of me crying behind the steering wheel.
Not that I cared, really. I think I just needed to let everything out and honestly, I did feel a sense of relief after a few minutes. I stayed in the car for a bit and made sure I regained my composure before I got out to collect MIL's marketing.
On Monday, after I'd left the hospital for my post-op check up, I joined the queue for the shuttle bus which would take me to Bishan MRT station. The hospital was under renovation and I refused to drive because parking lots were scarce and traffic flow a nightmare. This time, Journey's Open Arms did me in. And once again, my tear ducts went on overdrive. By the time I got off the bus and onto the MRT, my eyes were red. I kept wiping away my tears and again, I got uncomfortable stares from my fellow commuters who must have been absolutely relieved when I alighted at the next stop.
As I walked from the train station to the bus stop where the hub was waiting, I suddenly became conscious of my puffy eyes and desperately rubbed them in a bid to get rid of evidence. If the hub noticed, he didn't say a word, fortunately.
Obviously I haven't learnt my lesson about the effects certain songs will have on me during this emotionally traumatising period.
On my way home from work on Tuesday, the most unlikely of singers (and songs) smacked me unexpectedly - Katy Perry's The One That Got Away. Honestly, I didn't see it coming at all and for once, I was thankful for the red traffic light because it gave me some reprieve of sorts. And to make matters worse, Hoobastank's The Reason was on the playlist right after that.
You can well imagine my shaken state when I finally arrived home. I marched straight upstairs and stood under the shower for a good 10 minutes.
It's getting ridiculous. And I know the hub will be upset if he realises that I'm not keeping things together. He's been trying to get me out of the house, to catch a movie or go for a meal. But each time I cook up an excuse simply because I'm not in the mood to do anything except to vegetate in front of the TV where the flashy moving images can perfectly numb the brain. I even turned down his Valentine Day's date because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate anything - it didn't feel right, especially when I'm still grieving over Bonus.
Worse of all, I can't look the hub in the eye because I feel that I'm to blame somehow for this misfortune. Can't help thinking that Bonus didn't make it because of me, despite what medical experts may say.
Perhaps it's insensitive of me to pour out my private feelings onto such a public space, especially since some may get squeamish over my personal revelations. I don't want to apologise because I'm not flouting any laws or getting into legal trouble by expressing such thoughts.
I just need an outlet to vent my frustrations and grief. Rather than gorge myself silly and pile on unwanted kilos which is an extremely unhealthy option (I don't have much of an appetite anyway), I very much prefer to pen my thoughts. Writing's always been my therapy, my way of dealing with issues.
Regrettably, I've noted that my writing's altered over the years and I've deteriorated into adopting an overly simplistic narrative style. For an English and Literature graduate, I've definitely fallen short of expectations, particularly my own. Or maybe I'm just being bitter, and brutal self-criticism is a way of slapping myself with a much-delayed wake-up call.
This reflection of sorts has forced me to realise that my priorities have been messed up. I'm not driven to excel in my career - I don't aspire to take on managerial or supervisory positions, but since I've been given certain tasks and responsibilities, I won't shirk them. However, I think I've reached my limits and stupidly allowed my work to get the better of my health (and my family). I staunchly believe that my poor little Bonus couldn't survive such a harsh, stressful environment and yet I didn't do anything to change the situation.
Friends who've been in similarly distressful ordeals shared that what I'm experiencing is perfectly normal and assured me that in time, all will pass. I'm grateful for the wonderful support and encouragement throughout this trying period. This mourning must end at some point, and I've to get back on my feet for the sake of my three daughters and husband. Though I can't do anything for Bonus, I can definitely be there for the ones who need me.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thank You, Class!
With just two more days to go, it'll be the end of another semester.
This is also the time when lecturers dish out forms to students who will evaluate our teaching effectiveness. It's all part of the process to ensure that we're kept on our toes throughout the semester. To put it bluntly, we've to earn our keep.
I mean, there must be a reason why we've left the corporate world to join the education industry right? If not to "inspire young minds" - as what a young colleague loves to chant - then what?
My greatest satisfaction is when my students "blossom" i.e. they start off with almost zero knowledge or experience but throughout the semester, they slowly build up their think-tank and mature in their approach towards learning. The projects they submit prove that they've understood my lessons and my (constant) nagging, and hopefully they've developed a love for the subjects I love teaching.
I usually leaf through the evaluation sheets (which are completely anonymous) to read their comments about my teaching. I get the usual "She's very encouraging and engaging", "She conducts lessons in an interesting way by giving examples in real life", "She always makes sure that we understand the topic well", "Gives very valuable feedback that motivates me to do better for future assignments" etc.
But I've NEVER receive a comment that touched me so much:
"Good teachers discipline. Great teachers import knowledge. The best inspires an interest in the subject taught; and equip learners with tools to gain a deeper understanding. That's what Ms Teo does."
That's my greatest reward - knowing that I've made an impact on someone's academic journey. At least I know that my students recognise my efforts. It really warms my heart when I receive such compliments.
To my former students (yes, I know some of you read my blog), I want to thank you for trusting me and giving me the opportunity to share with you my experiences which I hope have taught you little lessons that can't be found in textbooks.
And if you found my classes enjoyable, it's largely because you make it enjoyable to teach you. Because a good teacher is only as good as the students she gets. :)
This is also the time when lecturers dish out forms to students who will evaluate our teaching effectiveness. It's all part of the process to ensure that we're kept on our toes throughout the semester. To put it bluntly, we've to earn our keep.
I mean, there must be a reason why we've left the corporate world to join the education industry right? If not to "inspire young minds" - as what a young colleague loves to chant - then what?
My greatest satisfaction is when my students "blossom" i.e. they start off with almost zero knowledge or experience but throughout the semester, they slowly build up their think-tank and mature in their approach towards learning. The projects they submit prove that they've understood my lessons and my (constant) nagging, and hopefully they've developed a love for the subjects I love teaching.
I usually leaf through the evaluation sheets (which are completely anonymous) to read their comments about my teaching. I get the usual "She's very encouraging and engaging", "She conducts lessons in an interesting way by giving examples in real life", "She always makes sure that we understand the topic well", "Gives very valuable feedback that motivates me to do better for future assignments" etc.
But I've NEVER receive a comment that touched me so much:
"Good teachers discipline. Great teachers import knowledge. The best inspires an interest in the subject taught; and equip learners with tools to gain a deeper understanding. That's what Ms Teo does."
That's my greatest reward - knowing that I've made an impact on someone's academic journey. At least I know that my students recognise my efforts. It really warms my heart when I receive such compliments.
To my former students (yes, I know some of you read my blog), I want to thank you for trusting me and giving me the opportunity to share with you my experiences which I hope have taught you little lessons that can't be found in textbooks.
And if you found my classes enjoyable, it's largely because you make it enjoyable to teach you. Because a good teacher is only as good as the students she gets. :)
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Bonus
In memory of Bonus, the little one we lost.
You were a pleasant surprise we didn't expect
The delight we believed too good to be true
We silently rejoiced with anticipation of welcoming you
You would have been our Number Four
We even dubbed you our little "bonus"
And we could hardly wait for you to join us
But shadows constantly clouded my mind
And a niggling, prickling doubt persisted
While a morbid mortal fear festered
And in the midst of CNY festivities
Our celebrations were cruelly cut short
Confirmation came that your tiny heart beat not
Guilt. Grief. Blame. Despair.
What did I do? What did I not do?
That could have done this to you?
Despite the hopes and prayers
There was little anyone could do
There was no miracle in the world to save you
With no options, the decision was perfectly clear
And in our final agonising days together
I prayed fervently that you never did suffer
Three deep breaths on fateful Monday
In an uneasy slumber I drifted on
And when I roused you were gone
I will never be able to cuddle you
I will never see your smiles, laughter or tears
Neither will I ever get to comfort or soothe your fears
I will never get the chance to sing or read to you
I will never see you kick, crawl and run
Worse of all, I will never hear you call me "Mum"
Maybe it was a blessing you were taken early
Before your development was complete
Before you grew organs, little hands and feet
Still, you were a creation of love
A life, a living being
Viciously denied the opportunity of existing
I shall not lie and say it doesn't hurt
Perhaps in time these emotional scars will heal
But for now the pain is much too real
This chapter has ended and we must move on
Though you are no more physically
You will always live on in our memory
May you be at peace in a better place
Where you're loved, cherished and cared for
Goodbye Bonus, my would-have-been Number Four
Teo Yuan Ching
9 February 2012
Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching
You were a pleasant surprise we didn't expect
The delight we believed too good to be true
We silently rejoiced with anticipation of welcoming you
You would have been our Number Four
We even dubbed you our little "bonus"
And we could hardly wait for you to join us
But shadows constantly clouded my mind
And a niggling, prickling doubt persisted
While a morbid mortal fear festered
And in the midst of CNY festivities
Our celebrations were cruelly cut short
Confirmation came that your tiny heart beat not
Guilt. Grief. Blame. Despair.
What did I do? What did I not do?
That could have done this to you?
Despite the hopes and prayers
There was little anyone could do
There was no miracle in the world to save you
With no options, the decision was perfectly clear
And in our final agonising days together
I prayed fervently that you never did suffer
Three deep breaths on fateful Monday
In an uneasy slumber I drifted on
And when I roused you were gone
I will never be able to cuddle you
I will never see your smiles, laughter or tears
Neither will I ever get to comfort or soothe your fears
I will never get the chance to sing or read to you
I will never see you kick, crawl and run
Worse of all, I will never hear you call me "Mum"
Maybe it was a blessing you were taken early
Before your development was complete
Before you grew organs, little hands and feet
Still, you were a creation of love
A life, a living being
Viciously denied the opportunity of existing
I shall not lie and say it doesn't hurt
Perhaps in time these emotional scars will heal
But for now the pain is much too real
This chapter has ended and we must move on
Though you are no more physically
You will always live on in our memory
May you be at peace in a better place
Where you're loved, cherished and cared for
Goodbye Bonus, my would-have-been Number Four
Teo Yuan Ching
9 February 2012
Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Life Goes On
It's been a bumpy start to 2012 with a mixed bag of emotions thrown in.
A surprise piece of news which got us wondering if we needed more space in the house turned into my worse gut-wrenching and heartbreaking weekend, right smack in the middle of our Chinese New Year celebrations.
Never have I been more confused, dazed, helpless and devastated in my 37 years of existence.
The hub's been a solid pillar for me, and without him to get me through the last 2 weeks, I really wouldn't know how I'd have pulled it off without breaking down every hour. In the end, his motto "Life goes on" entrenched itself deeply in my mind and I resolved to move on. And my wonderful hub stood by my decisions.
It's a painful loss, and every once in a while the lump wells up in my throat. But I'm not going to mourn or beat myself over this experience. I've three beautiful girls waiting for me to fulfill my mumsy responsibilities and can't let them down.
I'm blessed, and I shouldn't ask for anything more.
A surprise piece of news which got us wondering if we needed more space in the house turned into my worse gut-wrenching and heartbreaking weekend, right smack in the middle of our Chinese New Year celebrations.
Never have I been more confused, dazed, helpless and devastated in my 37 years of existence.
The hub's been a solid pillar for me, and without him to get me through the last 2 weeks, I really wouldn't know how I'd have pulled it off without breaking down every hour. In the end, his motto "Life goes on" entrenched itself deeply in my mind and I resolved to move on. And my wonderful hub stood by my decisions.
It's a painful loss, and every once in a while the lump wells up in my throat. But I'm not going to mourn or beat myself over this experience. I've three beautiful girls waiting for me to fulfill my mumsy responsibilities and can't let them down.
I'm blessed, and I shouldn't ask for anything more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)