This Sunday is Mothers' Day. Needless to say, retail outlets and restaurants all over will be celebrating to the lovely "ka-chings" of cash registers.
Mothers everywhere will receive cards, flowers, cakes, chocolates, presents etc.
I know the kids have gotten me something and they're waiting to spring their "surprise".
Upon reflection I've realised, to my horror, that I've failed the passing grade as a Mother and don't deserve anything from them.
A few people I know will stare at me in disbelief and chide me for being ridiculous.
"You're a great mum! You love your kids!"
"Don't be silly! You've done so much for your girls!"
"Why are you being so hard on yourself? Nobody's perfect!"
"Your kids are lucky to have such an understanding mum like you!"
But I know better than anyone else that I've not given my best, and I'm not like many self-less mothers who give up their jobs and careers for the sake of their families.
I'm a terrible role model and lack the discipline to guide them in their school work. I can't cook nutritious, wholesome Chinese meals and if I didn't have a helper, my family would be living in a dumpster because I am a disorganised mess myself.
Simply put, I've given up trying to be the classic text-book grade 'A' mother. It's way too difficult and I'm ashamed that I'm admitting defeat.
But I am exhausted. I've to juggle work and family and I'm not coping at all. I'm not thinking straight, made stupid decisions and have allowed others to get the better of me.
My kids aren't performing well at school and I'm not spending enough time ensuring that they finish their homework. When they misplace their belongings, accidentally pack their classmates' books in their bags without realising it till MUCH later (causing unnecessary grief to their friends), forget to do/submit their work, lag behind their peers etc., fingers point at me for not providing the right guidance and motivation.
Yes, of course. I'm their mother. I am solely responsible for their actions and wrongdoings, and I should be lectured for failing to bring up perfect kids.
Everybody wants the girls to do well in school. And I'm reminded that I should check their work and ensure that they study and revise their work conscientiously.
But what do I do instead of being a good mum and doing the right thing?
I pop in "The Hobbit" DVD and encourage them to watch the movie with me. I've also loaded the movie into my iPad and they'd tap on the screen to select their favourite scenes.
I sign them up for educational enrichment classes/tuition instead of personally drilling them in their school work. Despite being an educator, I don't have the patience to teach my own children. Irony, eh?
I chauffeur them to art/ballet/dance classes and encourage them to have fun while at it. All three girls started with music and piano lessons but when they expressed their disinterest, I pulled them out. Why? Because I place the "fun" value above others and I want them to enjoy themselves.
Who wouldn't want their offspring to be perfect, obedient children who will thrive in school, excel in sports or/and the arts?
If I've to drop all my other commitments to become a full-time homemaker to care for the kids, I honestly doubt I'll survive a year without going mental.
It's reached a point where I can't be trusted with the responsibility of being a care-giver. Without "support" I'm incapable of bringing up my children because I haven't "grown up" myself. And at the wise old ages of 11, 8 and 5 this year, my girls don't view me as a typical mum because I'm not considered their primary care-giver.
Does this rankle me? Obviously. Unfortunately, this is the end result caused by my own actions so there's no-one to blame but myself.
The hub constantly reminds me that I shouldn't grumble and I should "do something about it". Easy for someone who's been brought up in military fashion to shout commands and expect results. It worked for him and his brothers. That's why they all turned out they way they are: filial, obedient, successful in their own right.
Times have changed. Parenting styles have also evolved and methods of the past won't work as well as they did. I'm not advocating that we spare the rod and spoil the child, but in this century, empathy and understanding have to be factored into the equation. At least, that's my personal belief.
Yet, as a person who's constantly guided by the heart, I'm beginning to question the wisdom of being too empathetic. I often make decisions based on how I feel which is never a good thing and there's not a practical bone in me to derail that emotional train of thought. And that has resulted in countless situations where I've been taken advantage of. As my mentor/colleague puts it : "You will take on the world's burdens if you have to!"
Funny, that was exactly what I've been chiding my hub about without realising I'm suffering from the same problem. Only difference is that he uses his brain to solve issues. I don't seem to have one. Either that, or I've misplaced it.
There seems to be no easy solution and despite my countless readings on parenting skills, I'm disappointed with my efforts. The scariest thing is that I know what I should do but I can't bring myself to give up my life to enrich my children's. I feel sorry for them that their mum's such a meanie but I'm too selfish and set in my ways to make the sacrifices for my girls.
Such atrocity. Mothers are supposed to be sacrificial, aren't they?
And now I am paying my dues for my decisions.
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