an emotionally traumatising week

last week must have been one of my most traumatic in recent years.

after fanny's death on monday, i had to prepare myself emotionally for another round of anxiety. my dad was admitted into mount elizabeth hospital on tuesday to undergo a biopsy for prostrate cancer. a couple of weeks back he encountered some difficulty urinating. after a check-up, test results indicated a spike in the cancer markers so as a precautionary measure, arrangements were made for a biopsy.

i was still trying to recover from the emptiness of losing fanny, and the thought that dad would be next to leave me was too much to bear. perhaps it was fortunate that i'd signed up for 3 full-day workshops during the week to keep me preoccupied and free my mind from wandering. then it happened. it was towards the end of the day and i'd been bottling up my feelings for too long. i actually broke down in front my boss, madame A (who was a little shocked at my emotional display) who'd casually asked how things were. but i did feel a lot better after the tears fell though i related only my concern for dad, leaving fanny's death out of the picture.

after work, i made my way to the hospital via a direct bus 518. i alighted just outside TANGS to buy some japanese redbean snacks and kueh tutu for dad (he loves redbean and peanuts though i wasn't sure if he was able to eat them) and some sushi for my mum (quite sure she hadn't eaten) when i approached the hospital ward and bed, i saw that the curtains had been drawn around dad's bed. the doctor, nurse and mum was there, and mum told me not to come over.

so i stood outside, peering in every 5 minutes of so as the doctor and nurse busied themselves. it didn't occur to me that anything was wrong until i noticed that the doc was wearing a frown, and then realised that i'd been standing outside for more than half and hour and i was still not allowed to see my dad. by that time, the hub had arrived and asked how was my dad. i couldn't give an update myself, since i was equally ignorant, having been excluded from the action. after about 45 minutes, the doctor walked out, saw us and explained that there's been a complication - urine wasn't able to flow out even with the assistance of a catheter - and that dad would have to be wheeled back into the operating theatre immediately.

i panicked for a moment, as i had no idea what was going on, and whether it was life-threatening or just a procedure. when the hub and i finally wen to see dad, i was quite taken aback to see how frail and weak my father looked. suddenly, dad didn't resemble the man who practices tai-ji thrice a week, qi-gong daily and golfs once a week. neither did he look like the dotting grandfather whom wen the grumble bum scurries over to be carried. in other words, the man who lay on the hospital bed appeared to be a different person altogether, a mere wisp of a shadow of my father.

because mum didn't seem too disturbed, i took that as a positive sign. she hurriedly stepped out to eat the sushi that i bought and left us in the room with dad as he related how he was in excruciating pain when the bladder was full, how he broke out in cold sweat and how his blood pressure shot up to nearly 200: "thank gooness mum was round. she kept holding onto my hand." the doctor only appeared about half-an-hour later and tried to manually pump out the liquids but suggested immediate operation to solve the problem.

by the time dad was wheeled out of the operating theatre, it was past 10 o'clock. the doc explained that my father was unlucky as a blood vessel broke, which resulted in the clot. but all was well now. we were all instantly relieved. it was truly one of the worst tuesday nights of my life.

for the next few days, i rushed down to the hospital everyday after work even though dad insisted that he was well enough and that we didn't have to visit him. (i'm sure it was just lip service). i wasn't able to bring the girls down but made sure i called xian from the hospital so that she could talk to my father. yes, that cheered him up considerably. after tuesday's ordeal my father was back to his normal, chatty, cynical and critical (of the ruling party) self. although the colour returned to his cheeks and he looked less sickly, a clout of worry still dampened the air as we waited impatiently for the result of the biopsy. on friday afternoon at 4.26pm, i finally received an sms from mum: "Good news. Biopsy ok."

that was the brightest spark that peaked through the dark clouds all week. dad was discharged on saturday and we spent the whole day at my parents where the girls ran about to bring some cheer around. the doctor advised that he lays off exercising and rest well. a herculean task for my hyperactive dad and i think i'd better check on him as often as i can.

this experience has made me reflect deeper on my existence, and what life means to me. i never had a very close knit relationship with my parents even though i'm an only child. shameful though it is, i'm guilty of not being very filial, and all too often take them for granted. but after this episode, i have to re-examine my priorities and start to appreciate them much more. so if someone tells me now that i have only 3 months left to live, the answer is crystal clear: i want to be surrounded by my loved ones (especially my girls and the hub) and spend the remaining days with them, to bask in their love and cherish these precious moments for as long as possible.