the easter break was marred by a call on sunday afternoon. the MIL told the hub that fanny, our 14-year-old alsatian, had been whining and howling the whole day. when hub related the incident, we both knew that we had to face the fact that fanny was in real pain, and we couldn't prolong her agony any longer.
fanny's aged over the years. although she seemed quite healthy for her age, her hind legs were too weak to walk. she'd started to get cataracts in her eyes as well, turning those soft brown eyes to a grayish-blue tinge. the hub had to shave her fur a few times as her skin condition had worsened. during the last few weeks, she wasn't able to move around without help and on sunday, she refused to eat. when we returned that night, she was whimpering pitifully and i just stood rooted in front of her, with a sleeping wen in my arms, and started to cry. my heart went out to her and at that moment, i was couldn't deceive myself into thinking that she would recover.
after i took the girls upstairs and prepared them for bed, i crept downstairs to see the hub taking pictures of fanny. we took turns to pose with fanny for what we both knew would be the last time. i massaged and patted fanny on her head and neck, and she rolled on her side and allowed me to tickle her before i had to watch the kids. hub spent another hour outside with her, forlornly stroking her and talking to her. i was awakened at 4am to her continuous howling, and i kept crying into the pillow - undoubtedly it was her final night with us.i've been praying for the last few months that fanny would leave this world naturally in peace because i steadfastly refused to have her put down. ian had sent me a copy of The Extraordinary Aspiration of the Practice of Samantabhadra (The King of Prayers) which i tried to recite whenever possible. once i even sat outside in the car porch and recited the prayer to fanny.
on monday morning, hub surfed the web and found Pets Cremation Centre. we made the call and arrangements to pick fanny up at noon. as i had to take wen for her inoculation, i said my last goodbye to fanny in the morning and snapped a few more photos from my N73 before the hub dropped us off at the clinic. in the car, i recited The King of Prayers in between sobs. xian turned to look at me and she started sniffing as tears rolled down her face. (in a way, it was a blessing that i wasn't around when the van came to carry fanny away. think i'd have bawled my eyes out.)
i was still at the clinic with wen and xian when i got a text message at about 12.23pm from the hub that read: "Fanny had left us peacefully. Don't worry she is fine." and another at 12.25 which read "They took her, will be done in 30mins." even though i was at the clinic in full view of strangers with their children, i couldn't contain my grief and the tears just sprang readily.it's been 4 days since fanny left this world. hub resolutely refused to keep her ashes (think it's too painful for him). whenever i think of fanny, the lump in my throat appears out of nowhere and my vision becomes blurred. just 2 days ago, my voice cracked when we talked about fanny. hub gave me an incredulous look and exclaimed "she's not even your dog. you didn't really spend a lot of time with her." to which i whipped about and retorted "i've known her for about 12 years! she may not have been my own dog but i also bathed her and took her out to walks!"
of course i knew what he was trying to say. as fanny's owner and master, he's definitely heartbroken and misses her more than anyone else. but unlike me, he's clearly not wearing his heart on his sleeves. the hub mourns silently though i know there are little triggers which set him off. for example, he called me about half an hour ago and told me that he was eating prata for breakfast at the coffee shop when a huge truck belonging to a security company stopped in front of him. and in the truck were about 10 fully grown male german shepherds. hub joked that he lost his appetite upon seeing "all the cute fanny-dogs starring at me! ARGHHHHH!"
at this moment, we're not even thinking about getting another dog. the thought of loving and caring for another beloved canine only to possibly outlive him/her is too devastating. fanny's not "just a dog" - she was part of the family. she'd witness all 3 marriages (hub's brothers and ours) and seen the birth of all the 6 children in the house, including xian and wen. there were many close shaves when she fell miserably ill and we thought she wouldn't be able to make it but we sent her to the vet for treatment and she recovered. the hub was generous with fanny - top grade organic, holistic, healthy dog food, meats and various vitamins. he never denied her anything.
after the girls were born, i didn't spend as much time as i used to with fanny. and looking back, i wished i had. we got off to a rocky start in our relationship as she didn't really take to me immediately. i guess she was protective of sum and a little jealous when i entered his life. she'd bark ferociously every time i visited and it took me a year to befriend her! of course there was no turning back after she accepted me. on sundays, i'd help bathe and groom her, and bring her for walks. those were good times.
i still can't accept the fact that fanny's gone from us. when i left for work this morning, i side-stepped her designated "pee-poo" area, half expecting to find some faeces lying around. the night before, i had to do a double-take as i thought i saw her curled up against the iron gates, her usual spot where she'd sit, guarding MIL's front door and waiting for us to return from work. but it was just the shadow playing tricks on my already bleary, puffy eyes. i guess it would take some time for all of us to get over this sad episode.
to our faithful fanny, we truly love you and we hope that you're at peace now. and we pray that you will have a good rebirth. this is for you.
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