Bonus II

Bonus left us on 6 February 2012. Even though we never met, I still count Bonus as my own, the one I'd lost. It's been a year and whoever said time heals is a liar. Perhaps it will get better. We'll see.


It's been exactly a year
And I still remember
How I was wheeled in there
The cold, clinical air
The blinding light's sinister glare
The rehearsed reassurances
The masked faces
The contraption over my breathing orifices

Since it's only been a year
I can vividly remember
When a second opinion confirmed the worst
The dreaded news I feared most
That wretched day my world took a tumble
And my life began to crumble
The unbearable concoction of pain and woe
The thought of letting you go

I desperately wanted some closure
I wanted you out forever
Yet I was silently grieving
Destroyed by your leaving
But what choice did I have? None
You were already too far gone
Your heart didn't register a beep
You weren't mine to keep

Yes, it happened last year
But every once in a while I still shed a tear
When I meet soon-to-be mummys
I envy their blissfully bulging tummys
When I see newborns lovingly cradled
Their tiny bodies carefully swaddled
The lump in my throat refuses to leave
Onto broken dreams I stupidly cleave

It's been a year
And sometimes I do wonder
If you'd joined our family tree
Which branch would you be?
Who would you take after?
In looks, traits and character?
But that's not to be
You weren't meant to be my baby

And so it's been a year
Exactly 365 days my dear
That you were taken from me
Via D&C surgery
I still cry and mourn
Over my loss and unborn
Perhaps it will take me much longer
Before I can fully heal and recover

Will you be there to greet me at the gates?
The day I leave to meet my fate?
Will you come up to me and say:
Sorry, Mummy. I'm the one who couldn't stay
But I'm here now to show you the way
Then you'd reach out and take my hand
And gently lead me to the new land
Leaving our footprints in the sand


Teo Yuan Ching
6 February 2013

Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching