http://theweek.com/speedreads/453562/according-founder-all-celebrating-mothers-day-wrong
Yesterday was Mothers' Day. I told my girls in advance not to waste any money buying me little gifts like pretty beaded trinkets (which will inevitably collect dust because I won't wear them). And the only thing out-of-the ordinary over the weekend was to have dinner with my parents-in-law and my own parents together at a nondescript corner coffee-shop "zichar" stall in a quiet neighbourhood. Our simple version of Mother's Day "celebration".
But I welcome the handmade cards and heartfelt messages on them which, unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to read yet. Oh, I will do so when I can sit down quietly and savour every single word that my girls have written. I don't want to rush through and lose the special moment when the words deliver their impact.
These days, I'm flat-out of energy after 8-9 hours at my (secondary) day job and bracing myself for the remaining waking hours on my (primary) night job as Mum. And now, with Fourthborn (she who doesn't sleep and fights to take naps) thrown into the equation, I find myself being pulled apart in so many different directions I don't even know where to start.
#4is4toomany
Yes, I've said it so many times. I've definitely bitten off way more than I can chew. Not that I have a choice now. My girls are here to stay. But of course. I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
Honestly. How do other working mothers do it?
The obvious answer lies in careful scheduling to juggle my responsibilities. No sweat, right? It's just finding that sweet spot in the whole work-life-balance scheme that I haven't quite figured out yet.
HA.
I have stayed silent on this topic for far too long.
Lately I've been thinking about slowing down work. Perhaps it would have been a much clearer and easier decision if I hate what I'm doing but the awful truth is this: I LOVE MY JOB. So it's really quite a struggle for me because I truly want to be there for my own children. Yet I cherish my work identity and am not just about ready to trade that to be a full-time SAHM. Or opting for a part-time work arrangement.
At some point in my life, however, I would need to evaluate my options and stop being selfish. Sacrifices need to be made - it's just a matter of what I should give up.
For many of my peers who've readily traded Louboutins and Jimmy Choos for Birkenstocks and Havaianas, I salute you.
You've given up lustrous careers and economic independence in exchange for head chef / chauffeur / master teacher duties so that you can quality time spent with your lovely young' uns. You've evolved to become domestic goddesses and master craftswomen, super-duper mummies who run the household with great aplomb.
Just how do you all do it?
You tell me it wasn't easy at the start. And there were sleepless nights and trying moments when you wondered if things would work. You assured me that things will fall in place, eventually. And I would get used to the routines.
But how the hell do you do it?
Do I not love my children adequately? Is that why I'm emotionally torn? Because I'm starting to question if I love my job more than my kids. Or that my family is taking a backseat because I enjoy being in control of my own responsibilities at work knowing that in the home-front, I'm obviously not the one calling the shots? And do I really want to manage the household even if the power to do so is transferred to me?
I'm 41 this year and by now I know who I am and what I want.
And what I don't want.
- I hate housework. I'm a lousy cleaner and I'm too much of a slob to keep my home clean and tidy. I can't sweep, mop, dust to save my soul.
- I hate cooking. Just the mere thought of preparing meals for the family stresses me senseless. If I have to spend time in the kitchen, it's out of necessity. I find no joy in marinating, slicing, dicing, stewing, frying, sautéing, grilling etc.
- I hate checking my children's homework. Yes, I *know* I'm suppose to but I think it's just giving them a license to blame me if I don't remind them to do their work, bring things to school etc. As a parent, I'm supposed to tell them what to do right? And if they make a mistake in their work I'm suppose to identify that and ask them to do corrections? No, I tell them flatly that they're responsible for their own learning and if they forget something, they bear the consequences.
- I hate "teaching" and "studying" for my children. No, I simply can't do it. I lose my temper far too quickly when they can't get the concepts right and again I don't really know how best to help them "revise" their work without wringing my own neck. And theirs.
There, I've got it out. By my own admission, I've just outlined the main reasons why I can't bear to give up my day job to be a SAHM. I'm being frightfully open.
But does that make me a horrible mother? Some think so. They accuse me of being an irresponsible and lazy parent who pays others to do the job (e.g. tuition teachers) and that I don't care enough to ensure my kids are disciplined and diligent. In their eyes, I'm selfish because I'm not willing to make that big sacrifice.
Oh, yes, and that I spend too much money sending the girls for their dance classes (Xian, Wen & Wei), swimming lessons (Wen & Wei), art classes (Wen) and table-tennis coaching (Xian). I should cut down on these activities so that they will enough time to do their homework, study and do well in examinations.
What a terrible role model for my daughters.
Sigh. Old arguments that cause friction and unhappiness, eroding dangerously fragile relationships.
I can never do what my MIL does. She's an amazing example of the self-sacrificing SAHM who cooks, cleans, sews and runs the household with such mastery and clinical efficiency I hang my head in defeat. In other words, she's everything I'm not.
And since she lives with us, I'm reminded everyday of my inadequacy and faults. She's the reason why my fortunate girls enjoy sumptuous meals coupled with nutritious soups. And when they fall ill, I can be rest assured she's there to nurse them back to health with the right tonic soups and dishes.
During dinnertime, she will ensure that there's a dish for every member of the family. She knows our individual preferences and caters to our taste buds. Our refrigerator is stocked with food so we will never go hungry. She bakes cakes, pineapple tarts and other CNY goodies. She sews patchwork blankets, clothes, car mats etc.
How in the world can I top that?
I don't think my girls expect me to be like their paternal grandmother. They know full well I'm not docile and domesticated. And she's plugged the gaps of my missing Mummy-DNA so the girls don't "miss out".
Perhaps I'm not "born" to be a mother. I certainly don't possess certain "compulsory" traits to qualify me automatically for a SAHM post. That's equivalent to the CFO, COO and maybe even the CEO of an MNC. Hardly an easy job, and that's why I regard SAHMs with such high esteem.
So what's my definition of being a "good" mother?
One who's there for my kids - to support them emotionally, to encourage them when they're disheartened, to listen when they talk, to hold their hands in the dark till they can flip the switch, and then let go when their paths are lit.
To accept that they're searching for their own identities and will meet with failure along the way. And when they do fall or bump themselves, help them to stand up on their own two feet instead of carrying them for the rest of their journey.
Sounds idealistic, warm and oh-so-fuzzy? I suppose so. I've always been an emotional creature and to me, those are infinitely more important that providing monetary benefits and comforts. For me, the home is where the heart is.
I'm not the Perfect Mother and no matter what I do, I will never be perfect in everyone's eyes.
I just need to pass my children's test. They are the ones whose opinions matter.
I'd give myself a 4.5/10 for being a mum. It's still work-in-progress and I've had highs and many lows in this tumultuous journey. Maybe in 10 years' time, I will look back and chuckle at my frivolity and silliness, and how I'd wasted a full day ranting over nothing.
But does that make me a horrible mother? Some think so. They accuse me of being an irresponsible and lazy parent who pays others to do the job (e.g. tuition teachers) and that I don't care enough to ensure my kids are disciplined and diligent. In their eyes, I'm selfish because I'm not willing to make that big sacrifice.
Oh, yes, and that I spend too much money sending the girls for their dance classes (Xian, Wen & Wei), swimming lessons (Wen & Wei), art classes (Wen) and table-tennis coaching (Xian). I should cut down on these activities so that they will enough time to do their homework, study and do well in examinations.
What a terrible role model for my daughters.
Sigh. Old arguments that cause friction and unhappiness, eroding dangerously fragile relationships.
I can never do what my MIL does. She's an amazing example of the self-sacrificing SAHM who cooks, cleans, sews and runs the household with such mastery and clinical efficiency I hang my head in defeat. In other words, she's everything I'm not.
And since she lives with us, I'm reminded everyday of my inadequacy and faults. She's the reason why my fortunate girls enjoy sumptuous meals coupled with nutritious soups. And when they fall ill, I can be rest assured she's there to nurse them back to health with the right tonic soups and dishes.
During dinnertime, she will ensure that there's a dish for every member of the family. She knows our individual preferences and caters to our taste buds. Our refrigerator is stocked with food so we will never go hungry. She bakes cakes, pineapple tarts and other CNY goodies. She sews patchwork blankets, clothes, car mats etc.
How in the world can I top that?
I don't think my girls expect me to be like their paternal grandmother. They know full well I'm not docile and domesticated. And she's plugged the gaps of my missing Mummy-DNA so the girls don't "miss out".
Perhaps I'm not "born" to be a mother. I certainly don't possess certain "compulsory" traits to qualify me automatically for a SAHM post. That's equivalent to the CFO, COO and maybe even the CEO of an MNC. Hardly an easy job, and that's why I regard SAHMs with such high esteem.
So what's my definition of being a "good" mother?
One who's there for my kids - to support them emotionally, to encourage them when they're disheartened, to listen when they talk, to hold their hands in the dark till they can flip the switch, and then let go when their paths are lit.
To accept that they're searching for their own identities and will meet with failure along the way. And when they do fall or bump themselves, help them to stand up on their own two feet instead of carrying them for the rest of their journey.
Sounds idealistic, warm and oh-so-fuzzy? I suppose so. I've always been an emotional creature and to me, those are infinitely more important that providing monetary benefits and comforts. For me, the home is where the heart is.
I'm not the Perfect Mother and no matter what I do, I will never be perfect in everyone's eyes.
I just need to pass my children's test. They are the ones whose opinions matter.
I'd give myself a 4.5/10 for being a mum. It's still work-in-progress and I've had highs and many lows in this tumultuous journey. Maybe in 10 years' time, I will look back and chuckle at my frivolity and silliness, and how I'd wasted a full day ranting over nothing.
Maybe.
But for now, these issues are raw and unnerving, clawing at my conscience and keeping my head spinning, searching for clues to solve my issues.
Ask me in 10 years and hopefully I'd have made peace with my heart.
1 comment:
Ditto - can't cook (such limited menu items that the hubby has taken over the cooking since the helper can't cook either), can't clean (part-time cleaner or live-in helper but you do get the hang of it when these options are out of the question e.g. clean shelves on Monday, toilets on Tuesday, etc), can't sew (don't even go there!) and don't believe in checking kids' homework/bags (too bad kids!)... but I can assure you this - my teenagers have grown to take responsibility for themselves coz I refuse to do their work for them... better still they take responsibility for me (their absent-minded crazy work-from-home mom) and tell their friends I'm a cool mom coz they can talk to me about well almost anything and my girls' friends come talk to me too about stuff, so ya... we're perfectly imperfect and we'll succeed as Moms not by being right all the time but by not giving up and by appreciating and respecting our children as individuals with their own unique strengths and weaknesses. I got your back sister!
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