Trade Secret

I received some news last Wednesday that will definitely change my workplace environment.

No, I'm not out of a job. Not at all. Far from it. But at this point, I can't disclose anything till the end of the week.

Curious? Heh. Well, I ain't telling. Yet.

Wait for it. All shall be revealed in good time.

Post-anniversary thoughts

As expected, our 11th wedding anniversary celebrations was practically a non-event.

It started with a quick peck on the hub's cheek in the morning before I headed off for work (my usual routine) and ended with and a rushed dinner at Chomp Chomp as we only had 1 hour for dinner because we had to pick the older girls up from their Jan & Elly English classes at 8pm.

The poor hub had a sore throat but he bravely ate the BBQ stingray, cockles, “gong gong” (also known as dog conch, I think) and "dou miao" (snow pea shoots). In retrospect, I'm not sure if it was a good move as he became feverish and ill for the next two days and had to stay home to rest.

I was a little upset that he didn't tell me he wasn't feeling well because we could have avoided eating the sambal and chilli that probably aggravated his already bad throat. As usual, he just shrugged his shoulders and commented, "But you wanted to eat that. Anyway, no big deal."

To me, it meant a big deal because he was willing to shove aside his discomfort for my sake. Even though there were no presents or surprises this year, I really wasn't bothered. Actions speak louder than words and this is all that really matters.

11 years and counting

I was taking stock of the story books in our home library when I realised that I hardly ever read traditional fairy tales to the kids.

In fact, I don't have anything from the Brothers Grimm or Hans Christian Andersen - books which I grew up with. While I enjoyed reading these stories, I was conscious of the fact that many of them end quite tragically and it can be tough explaining to young kids the concept of death, betrayal and suffering.

On the flip side, some of these fairy tales end on an unrealistic sugary high note - especially the ones where the beautiful princesses and handsome princes always end up together in matrimonial bliss. Or so it appears. And I don't really want the kids' heads to be filled with fluffly, cotton-candied notions that physical attractiveness takes precedence over all else. Life is a indeed a bed of roses because thorns do prick.

Here's a typical Fairy Tale Romance plot: Handsome Prince meets Beautiful Princess. They fall in love, encounter some adversity or objection to their pursuit of happiness in the form of wicked step-parents, ugly monsters, evil witches (substitute the crisis with anything horrible), get married and live happily ever after.

Perfect? Well, on the surface it does seem like the ideal life. And there's a valid reason why the story tellers end their tales at the highest point of "happiness".

After all, nobody really wants to spill the beans about what happens AFTER marriage: in-law issues, shared household responsibilities, money problems, pregnancy, childbirth, post-natal blues, parenthood, mid-life crisis, work stress, job security, mortgage payments, debts etc.

Can you honestly believe that these pretty princesses will be spared pregnancy woes, retain their hour-glass figures and avoid developing ugly stretch marks after child birth? Wouldn't the handsome young princes consume too many barrels of ale, worry about possible invasions from neighbouring kingdoms or pitch-forked peasant revolts and democracy advocates who're fed-up with hereditary monarchy?

If such truths were revealed, who in their right minds would want to get themselves tangled up in a web of emotional, mental of physical torture by entering a legally-binding contract of matrimonial "bliss"?

And in this modern day and age, many marriages appear as solid as sandcastles built along coastal beaches. Needless to say, the foundations cannot withstand the crashing waves that wash headlong into the shores and it's no surprise that many of them end up in ruins.

It's a devastating state to be in and I can't imagine how traumatic it can be for the individuals, children (if any) and families involved. And I pray that I will never be in a such a heart-breaking situation.

Tomorrow is an important day - at least for me. It marks 11 years of legal commitment to the one whom I'd pledged to spent the rest of my life with.

It's not been an easy ride. As with many marriages, we've had our share of differences, squabbles, arguments and cold-wars.

I'm thankful that so far, I've been blessed with a wonderful husband who's accepted ALL my flaws and loves me for who I am. For that, I'm extremely grateful because I know that much as I try to be the ideal wife and mum, there are moments when I severely fall short of expectations. Yet, the hub is always unwavering in his support and love.

This year, as with previous years, our wedding anniversary promises to be a low-key celebration.

My usual Tuesdays are packed with back-to-back lessons and my classes end at 6pm so I'm not able to take any time off from work. What's more, I'll have to pick the girls up from their English classes at 8pm as my parents won't be available to help out tomorrow evening.

So it's probably going to be a rushed dinner, perhaps at Serangoon Gardens Chomp Chomp - BBQ stingray, cockles and fried sambal kang kong. Just a simple fare. But honestly, that's sufficient. It's the company that counts. Always has been, always will be.

Got Brains? Brag. No Skills? Scam!

Last Wednesday, the hub and I were chatting about work over dinner and he lamented about the laissez-faire attitude of his staff.

Based on our respective interactions with the Gen-Yers, we reached the same devastating conclusion that their somewhat misguided sense of superiority complex and self-worth will create a bleak future for Singapore.

Strong accusations, I know. For those of you who know me well, you'll also realise that I'm generally very forgiving and patient with these young(er) adults, and I've often stuck my neck out defending them.

However, once they're out of school and join the workforce, I cannot help but wonder if they've turned too soft and as a result, become adverse to adversity, and whether the education system (with myself as an educator included) is inadvertently responsible for churning out these young, brash and self-centred individuals who care only for themselves.

I don't mean to generalise, but this looks pretty much like the trend these days. Of course, I've met a few rare gems who stand out because of their maturity and humility; those who respect their seniors and willing to learn, and pay heed to advice of their older, wiser and experienced colleagues.

In the last few years, the hub and I have met with a few bizarre characters who've really puzzled us greatly with the actions. And many of these people can be roughly classified into two categories: Book Smarts and Street Smarts.

The Book Smarts are typical academic achievers who've coasted the choppy education waves with relative ease, scooping up numerous distinctions along the journey to scholastic success. Teachers love them. Parents adore them. On paper, these people can do no wrong: they ace their examinations, schooled to produce model answers during interviews to land them dream jobs and kick-start their careers with their heads held up high.

And that's when many of them spiral down the abyss of reality. Equipped with high IQ (and usually little EQ or AQ) skills, they naively treat the workplace like another learning academy without realising that their training wheels were stripped off the minute their respective diplomas and degrees were conferred upon them.

Many expect to be entrusted with important projects and fancy titles to display their glorious might, failing to realise - and here I quote Benjamin Parker of Spiderman fame - "with great power comes great responsibility". Despite being cautioned and advised, they commit blunder after blunder, often refusing to admit mistakes. Even if they do own up, they brazenly shrug their shoulders with a caustic "Oops. My bad!" remark, oblivious to the damage their actions have done to the organisation.

Not that they really care because it's not their fault in the first place. Why should they even bother to apologise? They don't owe the bosses anything. If things don't work out, they'll just move on to the next job. And the next. And next. And next. Until the perfect company offers them the perfect career where they can hone their perfect skills to perfection.

It is without any doubt that these Brains would go far in any profession they choose - if only they perceive less highly of their own abilities and be less self-indulgent, less self-absorbed, less selfish. This is truly the "ME! ME! ME! ME!" generation.

As many old-timers would attest: being a bookworm may get you the grades and open the gates to success. But that's only the beginning. To survive the corporate jungle, you need the right amount of cunning, tenacity, drive and attitude to survive.

In other words, the perfect combination of hardware and heartware.

And at the other end of the spectrum, the Street Smarts reign. This group of people are by no means less capable than their bookish counterparts. In fact, they are equally, if not more, intelligent than the Brains. Regrettably, many of them have been cruelly mislabelled as "failures" solely based on their less-than-perfect academic grades.

It's a terrible state to be in because one's self-worth is not measured purely by the number of distinctions achieved in examinations. Yet, Singapore's obsession with meritocracy has unfairly relegated the academically weaker population to the bottom of the barrel where many will remain, walled in behind psychologically created barriers. Some will content to move with the lot and wallow in self-pity, criticising the system, finding fault with society, the government or the entire world for their "cruel" fate.

Naturally, there will be the defiant few who'll claw back from the brink of assumed hopelessness, beat all odds and establish themselves in society. These are the success stories you'll read about in the media: how they suffered in their childhood because they were deemed dim-witted or slow, how their families rallied to support and encourage them to overcome obstacles to become role models.

Again, these are few and far, far between.

It's worrying because a handful of these Street Smarts will resort to short cuts, thievery and quick fixes to get out of the rut. Without adequate paper qualifications, they're often left to their own devices by taking on lower-paying jobs which serves to frustrate them even further. Dissatisfied with their inability to reel in top dollars at a consistent pace, many of them will hatch ingenious schemes to earn money quick and scams seem to be their modus operandi.

That's right. Just lock sweet lil' Ethics up in the storeroom (or bomb shelter, in some cases) and throw away the key.

Ironically, the duped ones are usually the Brains who love to believe that they're on top of the world and over-confident of their abilities to be victims of con jobs.

Outwit. Outplay. Outlast. Sounds familiar? It's the tag line from my all-time favourite reality TV show, Survivor. Take note of the winners and observe their various strategies in winning a million bucks.

Needless to say, Trouble will definitely come a-calling for the Street Smarts once their luck runs out. The quicker ones bail out before they're caught red-handed. They opt out and run before the game is up. But even those who've been dodging bullets by the skin of their teeth will eventually trip over their own shoe laces and snare themselves in a trap they'd initially laid for others.

I believe in Karma. Retribution. Even Justin Timberlake and Alicia Keys agree that "What Goes Around Comes Around".

Forgive me if I sound bitter and negative, but my personal encounters over the past few years have wizened me up more than anyone can ever imagine. I tend to give individuals the benefit of the doubt when we first meet. At times, I can be overly naive and let down my guard after I've warmed up to them.

So betrayal can be a brutal stab in the back (and heart) because I would reflect on possible reasons for the sudden change in attitude and wonder what I'd done wrong. Perhaps the main problem stems from that fact that I care too much and sometimes in my sincere efforts to help, I overstep my boundaries.

At the ripe old age of 35-going-36, it's incredibly stupid that I still get affected by comments and remarks made by others. And then I take a step back and realise that there's nothing to be upset about because these individuals also have issues with other people, besides me.

2010 has been a mentally challenging and emotionally year so far. Thank goodness the hub's been supportive in his usual silent but reassuring stance. I know he's not having a whale of a time either, and I reciprocate by offering him my listening ear and accompanying him to his de-stress zone e.g. fishing trips. After 11 years of marriage, I've learnt to appreciate him more, and hopefully the feeling is mutual.

Mayday Mayday Mayday

This is a first for me: 2 months without a single posting. And my absence has caused *some* concern amongst my loyal friends who regularly check here for updates.

To all of you who've been disappointed by the lack of activity on this site, I'm terribly sorry for allowing my blog to wither and rot. There's really no reasonably valid excuse except that events in my life have reached a stage where I'm forced to choose my priorities. Something's gotta give and unfortunately, I've to sacrifice my own enjoyment for a greater cause: that of being a (hopefully) better mum.

Hence my "Mayday" cry for help. Really, I believe I'm in the running for Singapore's Worst Mum award for not being able to provide proper support and guidance to my firstborn. :(

As I'd mentioned in my last posting, Xian's been having some difficulties coping with school work since the start of this year. After chatting with a few people, I began to suspect that she could have some learning disabilities but it wasn't until I attended the Educators Summit 2010 (a conference sponsored by my school) in March that triggered my efforts in searching for answers.

During the session, I was intrigued by MindChamps Group CEO David Chiem's presentation on creativity and ways to encourage a champion mindset. During the lunch break, I chanced upon a booth promoting MindChamps programmes and books, and I eventually bought 3 books which David Chiem co-authored: Deeper Than The Ocean – How the Learning Brain is formed, The Art of Communicating with Your Child and The 3-Mind Revolution.

On the Hub's birthday, I accompanied him to his current fishing haunt, Fishing Paradise and while he tinkered with his birthday present (a Shimano Conquest reel), I took the opportunity to catch up on some reading. In that afternoon, I completed Deeper Than The Ocean and realisation dawned on me that Xian could be dyslexic.

Suddenly, everything made sense. It explained why Xian often makes mistakes when she copies off the board, why she can get a perfect score for weekly Spelling and Dictation exercises but have extreme difficulty writing simple sentences without making spelling and grammatical errors, and why she doesn't seem to understand what she's reading or dislikes to read aloud. Plus the vague comments like "She can do better" from her teachers don't help either.

Frankly, I was getting frustrated and upset with remarks about how Xian's lazy and slow, and insinuations and accusations tossed in my direction about how little I care for her work and how I don't spend enough time checking on her progress.

And, of course, it's definitely my fault for not inculcating positive studying habits in her. After all, I'm the mother and when push comes to shove, the mother *always* bears the brunt of the burdens.

A few friends shared their personal experiences about their own children and I decided to send Xian for an assessment with the Dyslexia Association of Singapore to determine if she really is dyslexic. So I downloaded the forms from the website, filled them in, attached samples of her work, enlisted the help from Xian's P1 & P2 English teacher to comment on Xian's academic performance and nature in school and sent the documents off in early April.

Then 3 weeks ago, I received a call from DAS to arrange for an assessment appointment: a 3-hour session for Xian with the psychologist and a follow-up just for parents. Fortunately, I don't have classes scheduled on Thursdays so I applied for annual leave on those days for the assessment and follow-up appointment.

I had to take Xian off school on the day of her assessment since the timing's fixed at 9.30am. The hub sent us there in the morning - the centre was situated at Jurong Point, all the way on the other side of Singapore - as I refused to drive to an unfamiliar area. Besides, I didn't want to incur hefty parking charges as I wasn't sure how long we'd be there.

Honestly, I was apprehensive about the situation. My parents were supportive of my decision to send Xian for an assessment at DAS but not everyone approved and dismissed this as a waste of time and money (I had to put aside about S$500 for the assessment).

But steeled myself and rationalised that this was all for the sake of Xian's future. If she's really diagnosed as dyslexic, then at least I can decide what possible steps to take to help her overcome her learning disabilities and move on. If she isn't, then I'd have to try and figure out what to do next.

I was also mindful not to tell Xian too much as I didn't want her to think there was anything wrong with her, but explained that the session was to identify ways to improve on her school work.

When we reached the centre, I was heartened to find a cosy set-up behind the glass doors. The receptionists were all smiles and whatever initial apprehension I had all but melted away. The child psychologist Roshni, a young, gentle and soft-spoken lady, chatted with me briefly in one of the rooms while Xian was taken away to play a computer game while waiting. Roshni wanted to find out a little bit about Xian before the assessment so I shared with her my observations and highlighted some of Xian's strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes.

During the 20 minute informal discussion, I got a little teary, especially when I recounted Xian's struggles with school work and how I constantly lost my temper on her. Admittedly, I felt rather silly for letting down my guard in front of a complete stranger. But the emotional outburst was therapeutic as I'd been bottled up for too long and a sense of calm pervaded.

While waiting for Xian, I explored Jurong Point and was surprised with size of the mall and its variety of retail mix. Anyway, I managed to do some shopping during my 3-and-a-half hour walk before picking Xian up. We grabbed lunch at a Japanese ramen outlet before travelling back home by MRT (which took us nearly an hour).

Last week, the hub and I went back to DAS for the follow-up appointment with Roshni, the Child Psychologist who'd assessed Xian. Truth be told, I was jittery as I wasn't sure what to expect and worried if I could accept whatever diagnosis she presented. If the hub was uneasy, it wasn't obvious from his usual calm, collected exterior.

Roshni showed us a chart that highlighted Xian's areas of strengths and weakness. Apparently, Xian scored above average in several components, including non-verbal cognitive and memory tests but displayed low scores for other areas which indicates that she exhibits some characteristics of dyslexia.

Roshni further explained that she's unable to give a complete diagnose and final conclusive report as Xian is still young. However, she recommended that we send Xian for the Orton-Gillingham Course conducted by DAS which will benefit Xian in the long run.

Right now, my decision to move forth rests squarely on the written report which I'm expecting to arrive in the mail within the next 4 weeks. I'll probably need to alert the Xian's school and teachers on her condition and perhaps discuss further with the hub on our next step.

I've temporarily suspended Xian's piano lessons (which she seems to be struggling with) but signed her up for a Speech & Drama course with Julia Gabriel in a bid to instill more confidence in her. Xian appears to be enjoying the weekly Saturday classes, and I've no regrets so far.

At this point, I'm desperately scrambling to get my act together and racking my brains on how I can provide Xian with a more conducive environment which may assist in overcoming her learning disabilities. Thoughts of quiting work full-time to be a SAHM did surface, but after much consideration, I believe it's still best (for me and Xian) that I continue my teaching job.

So the waiting game begins...