For the last few weeks I've been feeling a little blue. Ever since Monday, things have gotten worse. I've tried to put my finger on it, but I couldn't seem to pin down what's causing this minor depression of sorts.
So. What are the possible causes of this emotional instability?
On the home front, there's been some frustration trying to work out Xian's academic schedule and making arrangements for her to start classes at DAS. She's still struggling with her homework, particularly Mathematics which also happens to be my weakest subject in school and I'm of not much help. There's also been disagreements about differing approaches towards her education: the use of persuasive motivation vs old school military discipline.
Wen's turning out to be quite a worrying problem too. Wen's inattentive in class because she becomes bored, restless and distracted by her classmates easily. Her English teacher from Jan & Elly observed that she's trouble catching up in class and is lagging behind her peers. He hinted that there's not much he can do and suggested that she starts on individual coaching (that would cost me a bomb!) Alternatively I could send her to DAS for as assessment but the hub's dead set against this because he doesn't think Wen's dyslexic.
At work, I've been given more tasks and responsibilities. However, as my new appointment started mid-way through the term, my teaching workload remained status quo. Actually, I'm quite glad I got to keep my classes because that's the MAIN reason why I'm in this job: I love teaching.
This week, my Corporate Events Management (CEM) class went down to the Singapore Garden Festival at Suntec City to collect more Pebble Pledges. All thanks to my old friend Kenny who allowed them the opportunity to work on a real event with a real client. As their tutor, I went down to cheer them on and was impressed by their determination and boundless energy. Mind you, this isn't even their Grand Finale which, by the way, will be held at City Square Mall next Saturday, 31 July 2010, from 1 to 4 p.m.
Yeah, that was pretty much an open, hard-sell plea to get more visitors to support our event.
Teaching CEM is always an exhausting affair because tutors definitely "teach" more than the allotted 3 hours per week. I get frequent updates by email and sms, and have had to try resolve countless issues. It's a never ending task till the event is well and truly over. Yet, my sadistic nature thrives on such challenges and although it's time-consuming and energy-draining, I enjoy teaching this subject. It helps that I'm working with Kenny (my ex-chairman during our student council days at NYJC) on this project as we've been friends since 17 and know each other pretty well.
But no, this cranky, brooding mood I'm in has got nothing to do with my CEM class and I'm quite resigned to the fact that my own children will need lots of guidance and support in their school work. No matter how stressed I am at work, it's never affected me emotionally to THIS extent of being angsty, irritable and helpless.
Perhaps it's a combination of various factors that have resulted in the culmination of this mental state. The Super Me dream could be a subconscious sign that I'm losing control and focus in the real world, and that I should fight back and lay claim on my own life. And when I'm in one these moods, I usually listen to a particular genre of music: edgy, acoustic, emo rock tracks like this song from Scouting for Girls, "This Ain't A Love Song":
As the old saying goes, music does soothe the savage beast.
The radio channel in Pollie (my car) is permanently fixed at Class 95. But yesterday, I became irked by the music playlist and switched between Power 98 and Perfect 10 - music stations that offer noiser music catered to the grunge youths. For some strange, unexplainable reason, I wanted to turn up the volume to the sounds of heavier guitar riffs to drown out everything else.
And boy, did it feel good. It was as if all the pent-up anger that I'd been bottling up for weeks exploded with every beat of the drum.
Today, on my way home from work, realisation swept over me. I finally found the cause of this unsettling emotional state.
I was in love. And I was heart-broken.
Before you jump into conclusions, let me clarify that my marriage is NOT on the rocks and that I love my hub dearly and have no intention of severing ties with him.
The object of my affection is not another man or any other person for that matter.
I'm in love with BCM2006 - that's the course code for Film Theory & Criticism. And I'm ripped apart because I won't be teaching it next semester. Instead, I've been given another subject to manage because my team's shorthanded (my colleague who's usually the Subject Leader of the module is on maternity leave).
Stupid though it may sound, I was absolutely crushed when I discovered that I wouldn't be teaching film in the October semester. Unequivocally devastated. My immediate reaction was that my class had lodged a complaint, possibly because I forced them to watch Orson Welles' Citizen Kane and Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai amongst other films. (In my defence, I'll maintain that no self-respecting film student can ever get away from watching these two critically acclaimed classics.)
Then again, if it were *REALLY* that terrible to sit through 4 hours a week in my classes, then I should have many absentees every week, right? I wouldn't have an *almost* perfect record of 23 out of 23 students in EVERY single lecture/tutorial for the past 11 weeks, would I? So far, only 1 student was absent this term and she was on medical leave. And on one occasion, I'd dragged the lesson till 6.15 p.m without realising and no-one in class even protested, hinted that I'd exceeded class time or told me to shut up. And these students aren't meek, mild-mannered and mindless. They're vocal, inquisitive and would stop me mid-way through lectures with questions.
I may not be the best teacher in the world but I know I ain't that atrocious to get kicked out of class. I'd reviewed the notes, updated the materials and changed the film list to include a broad range of films. Didn't my previous class give positive comments and feedback about the subject and delivery?
*Sigh*
My (new) boss assured me that I'll have a chance to teach the module again next year. I understand the team's position about subject allocation and am mindful that we really are temporarily understaffed. I'm pleased to be subject leader of Corporate Journalism & Publications and savour the opportunity to inject some new ideas for the subject in October.
But fact remains that I won't be teaching Film. And this has hit me really hard. I've been in education for 9 years and while I do have pet subjects (the ones I really look forward to teaching), I've never EVER had such strong reaction when I'm not given a subject to teach.
After mulling over this, I've concluded that I enjoy teaching Film for two reasons:
Firstly, I love films and can watch the same movie countless times and not get bored. And every time I view the movie, I notice details that I'd missed out previously and this never fails to excite me.
Secondly, and more importantly, Film is an elective subject. This means that students get to CHOOSE the subject and most of them do so because they have a keen interest in films. (Unlike other subjects which are core modules where the students don't have a choice.) Hence it's much easier to reach out to them because they are willing learners and some actually enjoy their assignments. Half the battle is already won. And for an educator, that's a crucial plus point.
I know I'll get the chance to teach this subject again, and it really isn't the end of the road. I do feel a little silly getting all worked up over a seemingly miniscule issue. It shouldn't warrant such strong reactions. But this trivial episode made me realise how seriously I take my teaching and affirmed that I am indeed in the right profession.
In two weeks, the school term will end and I will say goodbye to my film class. I decided that I'll leave on a high note so I'm arranging for a "field trip" with my class to catch Inception, the latest contemporary Sci-Fi action-heist film by Christopher Nolan starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Of course, it's not just an excursion to watch a movie - they'll be required to submit a film review within 24 hours. :)
Once again, pouring my heart out has been therapeutic and I do feel less tensed-up. Will now busy myself with organising the field trip for my class. Hope they'll enjoy it.
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