Twenty Two

Hello.

I know. I've disappeared from this social media platform for far too long. I blame it on my own stupidity: co-creating 5 kids, holding a full-time job and attempting to "have-it-all". 

Well, some things have just got to give. In my case, it's my love for writing. These days, if I do pen any posts, it's because I've carved aside some time to document something important.

I'll admit that in recent years, I've not paid much attention to the man I married because the primary focus has been on the kids. I've always assumed that the hubs will be by my side no matter what, that he'd always be here for the family.

Then on 6 May 2018, I nearly became a solo parent due to a freak carpentry accident. 

I won't go into the details of what happened. That's for another time, another entry. Snippets of the drama are captured on my IG.

Suffice to say, the incident involved rotten wood, electrical blades, a golden chain, a jade Buddha pendant, severed nerves, flesh and skin, and blood. 

Lots and lots and lots of blood. 

This was followed by an ambulance ride, an ER stint, staycation at TTSH and ongoing medical follow-ups and consultations.

Thankfully, Heaven intervened. The Hubs survived. He literally escaped the jaws of death, and I am ever-so-grateful that he's still here with us.

This episode has jolted me out of complacency and the misguided belief that the Hubs will be by my side forever more. I've come to the realisation that no matter how little time we have left for ourselves, we must cherish every waking moment or live to regret it.

###

Every August, we celebrate the day we decided to spend the rest of our lives together. Unfortunately, any romantic plans are usually thrown out of the window because we'll inevitably be distracted by a child-related reason. This year, we had to rush Kids 1, 4 and 5 to the doctor because, well, FEVER etc. We substituted dinner plans with takeaway pizza. Bonus: the girls got to enjoy a pizza supper.

We eventually squeezed out a few stolen hours the next day to feast on BBQ stingray, cockles and an oyster omelette at Chomp Chomp. And for dessert, we shared a slice of chocolate cake from Awfully Chocolate.

#myfrankensteinhub

#oldmum

#oldfarts #partnersforlife

Back in 1996, we made the best and worst decision of our lives. And every single thing we have today - the good, bad and ugly - is the result of that one decision.

Here's to us, Hubs! And many, many more.

22

22 years back
An engagement was pledged
To have and to hold
To cherish and to love
To create and to build
A foundation
To weather all storms
To overcome all odds
To share tears of joy and sorrow

22 years ago
A pact was made
To reach for the stars
To acknowledge limitations
To treasure moments
A union
To last a lifetime
To recognise strengths
To accept weaknesses

22 years since
A partnership was formed
To create memories
To sacrifice pleasures for pain
To solider on in darkness and rain
A promise
To bask in each other’s laughter
To grow older and wiser together
To love till the end of our days


Teo Yuan Ching
8 August 2018

Copyright © 2018 Teo Yuan Ching

Fifth Born

For En: our Unexpected, Unexplainable, Unpredictable, Unforgettable and Unique one. I truly believe she's our gift from Dad.

Number Five: En

Fifth Born

She's our Lil' Miss Unexpected
The miraculous gift that came our way
Overcoming all odds she finally appeared
On 12 February 2017 Sunday

This unpredictable darling of an Aquarian
Debuted in an unforgettable style
Determined to create a dramatic entrance
Making her existence worth the while

We love our doe-eyed Fire Rooster
Mummy, Daddy, four sisters - who's her greatest fan?
Sending our hearts to a delightful flutter
Our fifth little Leonglet - Sook Yan

Teo Yuan Ching
21 March 2017

Copyright © 2017 Teo Yuan Ching

Daddy's Dynamite

What do you get for a simple, down-to-earth and super practical dude who isn't really into gadgets or expensive branded goods?

Something you can't swipe off the shelves and wrap up in shimmery paper.

Every time he's a daddy again, he gets a 'birthday' poem from his baby girl. He's got three so far, in the respective following years of the girls' births: 2003, 2006, 2009. And now 2015 after the appearance of our fiery-tempered Fourthborn.


Daddy's Dynamite
I know many envy me
Just 'cos I'm the family's baby
Everyone thinks I get my way
And all I do is eat, sleep, poo and play
They don't know how boring it can be
When I'm up and no other Leonglets are around but me
Too bad my three cheh-chehs are already in school
But Daddy do you know what's really cool?
Yours is the first face I see when I wake
That's right, there's no mistake
I know that voice, that hair, that face
Ain't no other who can take your place
Mummy is functional, I can't deny
My calcium fix on her I rely
But Daddy you're my fun-maker playmate
Though you've got so much on your plate
You settle my morning bath before work takes you away
Sometimes you even pop back home midday
Just to check on how I'm doing
Whether I'm eating right, napping and pooping
And when the Moon lights up the night sky
That's when you'll hear me screech and cry
Cos I refuse to sleep - sleep is for the weak!
I may just be a baby but I certainly am not meek
When you step in and do your Daddy discipline thing
I raise the stakes and get into the ring
I fight and scream till I'm hoarse
Seriously. Am I not the little boss?
No-one else can decipher my need
No-one else takes any heed
Only you can understand my pattern
Rocking the sarong to a swaying rhythm
No trial-and-error, no second guessing
You know my demands when I start fussing
Despite me giving you sleepless nights
You patiently put up with my relentless fights
Thank you for loving me come what may
Hugs and kisses from your littlest dynamite Sook Kei

~ Baby Sook Kei ~

Teo Yuan Ching
25 March 2015

Copyright © 2015 Teo Yuan Ching

Baby Dearest

Ok, I may sound like a soundtrack stuck on repeat mode and I'm pretty certain I've mentioned it before but heck, I'll say it again: Motherhood's an incredible experience.

After a break of 6 years, I've *almost* forgotten what it's like caring for a newborn.  (I'd to unlock my memory bank and sieve through archives to retrieve the data.) But like a plug-and-play device, I was up-and-running, and settled into auto-pilot mode within the first month.

Qi is now 8 weeks old and I'll be heading back to work in a month's time. Mixed feelings all round because much as I love my kids, staying home with them full time drives me hair-pulling bonkers. Furthermore, giving up my job will financially cripple us - not that I make tonnes of money as a polytechnic lecturer but feeding a big family doesn't come cheap and every extra bit helps.

While I may not have the luxury of updating my blog on a regular basis, I do try to capture significant moments of my life so that I won't forget them in time to come. Qi has been difficult in the last few weeks, possibly because she's mastered the art of manipulation and skillfully executes her well-planned manoeuvres to get what she wants. No longer the calm, sleeping newborn who was so easy to care for in the early days.

We've had a fair share of rotten days when she'd yell her lungs out and nothing seemed to pacify her. I'd get frustrated in return and lash out at the older ones (usually Wei) who often fuel my rage by procrastinating, lazing around, squabbling with each other and getting on my nerves with their nonchalant ways and general misbehaviour. Not forgetting the well-meaning advice dispensed which I do appreciate but not necessarily always want to act on because I have differing views. And then everyone becomes unhappy and I berate myself for upsetting the balance in our family.

*SIGH*

Note to self: I need to work on my anger management skills. Harsh words uttered in a fit of anger can't be retracted.

Anyway, I penned this simple poem while everyone was out, leaving both Qi and me alone to enjoy each other's company. Conversation was one-way, although she occasionally grunted, snorted, gurgled, cried and cooed in response.

And then she flashed this wide, heartfelt grin:

In one fell swoop, every ounce of negative energy drained from my pores. Those sleepless nights, the crazy feeding fights, dirty diaper wars and wailing matches were all worth the while.

And all it took was one toothless smile.

Qi, this one's for you.


Baby Dearest 

I forgive you when you're super cranky
Screaming down the house

I forgive you being a fussy eater
Regurgitating milk on my blouse

I forgive you for restricting my diet
Making me constantly check your poo

I forgive you for my blood-shot panda eyes
Waking me every other hour or two

I forgive you when you refuse to sleep
Insisting on being rocked and cuddled by me

I forgive you for keeping me up in the wee hours
Cooing and gurgling till three

I forgive you even when you cry for no reason

Understanding you've limited means of communication

I forgive you when you're demanding and loud
Fighting with your sisters for my exclusive attention

I forgive you for every frustration you cause
Knowing it isn't at all deliberate

I forgive you for every little thing my child
Being mum to you, darling girl, is a welcomed fate

Teo Yuan Ching
4 May 2014

Copyright © 2014 Teo Yuan Ching

Sum (is) 41!

The hub turned 41 last week and it was a simple, quiet celebration i.e. we bought a cake, sang a birthday song, blew out the candles, cut the cake and ate the cake.

Our first family photo with the latest addition, Qi.

I felt a little guilty about not doing more - not that I could do much since I was still in the midst of my jail term confinement and wasn't supposed to be running around. Even stepping out of the house (with the hub and baby) to get the cake was considered a no-no. But it was a quick trip to MyVillage@SG's Bakerzin and that took half-an-hour and back.

Aside: MIL masked her disapproval by telling me how "back in the old days" women weren't allowed to go out during the confinement period and if they had to do so, they were supposed to be covered up from head to toe i.e. large straw hat, long sleeves and pants.

Naturally I just nodded and smiled, like all docile daughters-in-law should.

Before my tenant i.e. Qi was evicted, I was in no mood to scout around for the hub's birthday gift. The extra load of 14kg rendered me immobile for long periods but it was primarily sciatica that annoyed me because sudden movements would send a sharp pain shooting through my left buttock/back.

The first two weeks after my delivery were exhausting because I was adjusting to Qi's schedules and my almost-40 body was on the verge of keeling over. I know I've mentioned it a godzillion times but I'll say it again: have your babies YOUNG e.g. mid 20s to early 30s. There's a great difference and I've been through all those stages.

Since I was in jail confinement and obviously can't roam the malls, I turned to the Web in desperation, hoping to get some ideas. Unfortunately, nothing inspired me and I confessed to the hub days before his birthday that I didn't manage to get a present for him.

He just laughed and pointed to Qi who was nursing greedily. "No need to buy anything. That's the best birthday present I have."

Then as luck would have it, the hub was flipping through the newspapers and he spotted something.

"Eh, Kitaro is coming back to Singapore!"

Problem solved.

I went online and booked two tickets for 17 April 2014.

The hub's favourite musician: Kitaro

That settled, I'll have to worry about baby-sitting arrangements. Will need to give advance notice to MIL as she usually stays with one of the BILs and their families during weekends and the concert's on the eve of Good Friday. I'll have to express milk out for her feeds and this will prob be done in the next week and kept in freezer.

And then I'll have to raid my wardrobe to look for something presentable to wear since I haven't exactly lost all the weight I've put on, especially in the most expandable area. Wei prodded my flabby tummy and asked if I still have another bun baking in the oven. :'(

Less than two weeks to fit back into my clothes! Yikes!

Admittedly, I'm way too lazy to start a workout regime. Can't embark on a strict diet because I'm lactating and need to produce quality milk for Qi.

Anyway, I'll figure something out, even if I have to use sheets to create a Grecian look. Who knows, I may be able to pull it off!

In truth, I'm not a Kitaro fan - I once made the boo-boo of asking "What's that funeral music?" - but I've attended his concert twice with the hub and this upcoming one will be my third. When Slash came to Singapore I dragged the hub along and he was tormented with a ringing sound in his right ear for a week. (He HATES rock/metal music!) He didn't object when I insisted on catching Duran Duran and The Script even though he wasn't familiar with the latter's songs.

I guess we're even.

But I'm looking forward to spending some couple time with the hub, sans kids. It's been a month since Qi's arrival and everyone's been fussing over her, so it's easy to neglect him. We'll have the rare chance to enjoy some peace and quiet together for a few hours before we resume our parenting responsibilities.

A much belated birthday celebration for my life partner and father to our four gorgeous girls.

Fourth Born

For my Number Four (who's technically my sixth). As per "tradition", I've written a short little poem for Qi.

Number Four: Qi

Fourth Born

Her arrival was a long time coming
And everyone waited in gleeful anticipation
Three sisters, Mummy and Daddy
All eager to give her their undivided attention

This little sweetie's as cool as can be

To arrive she's obviously in no big hurry

She probably reasoned: what's a few extra days or hours 

I'll be there when I'm good and ready

The baby Piscean finally makes a splash
On 4 March 2014 Tuesday
Galloping into the Year of Horse
Our fourth little Leonglet - Sook Kei


Teo Yuan Ching
28 March 2014

Copyright © 2014 Teo Yuan Ching

Presenting Number 4

Sorry, I'm two weeks too late in announcing this.

But I guess it's obvious by now that my little tenant has been evicted.

You'll have to excuse me for this belated announcement. As all mums of newborns know, the younglings don't understand the concept of time.

Or personal space.

Or that their life-givers need to take regular breaks and rest (I'm not even talking about sleep).

The little ones only know that when they're hungry, they want to be fed IMMEDIATELY.

Or they're squirmy because they're soaked in a dirty diaper and want to be cleaned up IMMEDIATELY.

Or they're too warm/cold and want the temperature to be adjusted IMMEDIATELY.

Or they're fussy and demand for some tender, loving cuddles IMMEDIATELY.

Newborns appear to be angelic and innocent, but they're the ones in total control: the grown-ups run helter-skelter, trying to decipher every cry and whimper, second-guessing what the babies want/need. Depending on which school of thought you might be accustomed to, some adults jump up and attend to the baby's every audible squeak while others believe discipline and training begins the very day the child is born.

But I digress. There are just too many thoughts running through my head right now and I really don't have the luxury of time to sit down and organise them properly because the baby is asleep now and this is my chance to ramble...

So. Exactly two weeks ago, on 4 March 2014, I delivered my fourth (and final) child.

I'd just visited Dr Lim's the day before and I was only 1cm dilated even though the baby's head was engaged i.e. ready to pop. She also highlighted that the little tenant was facing the wrong direction and may take a while before she moves to the right position. Since the tenant's estimated day of arrival was 7 March, Dr Lim said that if I didn't show any signs of labour by 6 March, I'd have to be admitted and she'd have to induce the birth.

I decided that a little "walking" would do some good so after my visit to Dr Lim's, I persuaded the hub to drive me to Plaza Singapura for a nice spot of Japanese food and some last minute shopping. As he was busy rushing projects, the hub ordered takeaways for himself and his staff while I sat at our favourite haunt, Kai Sushi & Grill, and enjoyed my stir-fried beef set. I spent the next 2 hours waddling around, stopping to buy a few new pieces of clothing for the tenant. I'd given away almost all of the girls' baby clothes so it was really back to basics.

It was about 3-ish when I realised lugging the additional 14kg was exhausting. Didn't help that I was plagued by sciatica midway through my pregnancy and prolonged movements were excruciating. I boarded the train along the North-East line and thankfully was able to get a seat (it was off-peak period).

I suppose all that extra walking in the mall did the trick. The contractions began close to midnight and initially I struggled to catch some winks because I thought they were false alarms. However, by 2 plus in the wee hours, the contractions gained intensity and I started timing them: 5 minutes apart. Reluctantly, I woke the snoring hub and got my hospital bag ready.

We reached Mt. Alvernia Hospital at about 3.30am, did the necessary administrative procedures, entered the delivery suite and then we waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

The contractions were strong and regular. But my cervix wasn't quite "ripe" and after 6 hours, I was barely 3am dilated. GAH!

Dr Lim strolled in at about 9 plus, checked me and broke my waters to hasten the birthing process. I was also put on the oxytocin drip to induce labour. The nurses were convinced that I'd be done by noon, since it was my fourth time. And my contractions were on track.

I'd (foolishly) opted for natural, non-epidural delivery again, much to the surprise of the nurses who exclaimed that I was one of the few women these days to do so. I figured that since I'd experienced childbirth without epidural thrice and survived, I might as well go for it again. Plus, I was concerned that I wouldn't know how to push if I couldn't feel anything below my waist. As far as possible, I wanted to avoid an emergency C-section.

I was getting impatient by 11am. This was by far the longest I'd ever been in a delivery ward as my previous three were relatively quick (less than 4 hours). By then, the contractions were beginning to slip into the "unbearable" state. Actually I was hoping to do without any other pain killers but the nurse saw my readings and suggested that I use entonox (gas and air) as I has done so previously. She explained that my body could be reacting to the pain and this could be counterproductive. I took her advice and she also gave me a pethidine jab which helped me to relax.

Within half an hour, the waves of contractions were merciless and even the entonox wasn't much of a help. That's when the hustle and bustle began as the nurses swarmed into action. I could feel the baby's head pushing down the birth canal even before Dr Lim's arrival. Of course, my OB/GYN is very experienced and she calmly walked in just in time for the delivery.

Even in my throes of anguish, I could make out the conversations around me and heard Dr Lim announcing merrily to everyone, "This one's an experienced mother. She knows how to push."

And then the birthing process began and all I could think about was: "Why the #$%^ did I not take the @#$%! epidural?!?!?" and "I can't believe I'm doing this AGAIN! !@#$%&!!!"

Actually, the scariest bit wasn't the pain/torture of childbirth. And I only found out MUCH later when the hub recounted (hours later, when I'd sufficiently rested) what happened in the delivery suite. Nobody was going to tell me anything there and then while I was desperately huffing and puffing away, totally focused on evicting the tenant.

As mentioned earlier, the baby was in the wrong position so during my first push, her head appeared and Dr Lim had to physically twist - YES, TWIST - the head (and presumably her body) to face upwards. When I pushed the second time, the tenant slithered out and that's when Dr Lim realised the umbilical cord wound around the baby's neck! Dr Lim then expertly manoeuvred the baby around and untangled the cord.

*&^%$#@!

Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd.

The horror stories of babies strangled by umbilical cords haunted me in nightmares. And I NEVER expected this could happen to me and my baby.

I'm extremely thankful and grateful for Dr Lim's skills and experience. Perhaps it's a common occurrence but our previous three didn't give us such a deathly scare so we were completely unprepared for such a heart-stopping incident.

Talk about making a dramatic entrance.

Anyway, it's time to present our latest Leonglet, my tenant no more:

Hello. I am Number 4.

Qi (that's her Chinese name) weighed 3.460kg and was 50cm in length. I was a little surprised because I'd expected her to be heavier than Wei.

My four beautiful Leonglets (from L to R): Wen, Qi, Xian and Wei

And she's the only one among my babies who wasn't allowed to be discharged after two days because her jaundice levels were high. So yes, we extended out hospital stay for another two days and because Qi's on a fully breastmilk diet, I had to be with her. I refused the option of substituting with formula milk and figured it would be too stressful for me to pump out the milk (there isn't much in the first few days) and bring it to the hospital for her. Yeah, I'm stubborn that way.

After two weeks (and two visits to the pediatrician for review), Qi is still looking jaundiced. We've been diligently "exposing" her to a daily dose of vitamin D in the mornings for about half-an-hour and will continue to do so until she looks less yellowish. :{

"Mr Sun, Sun, Mr Golden Sun...Please shine down on meeeee"

The first week back home was tough for me because I was sleep deprived and stressed over Qi's jaundice. Her sisters were also overly excited and kept running into the room to "check" on the baby, and this irked me tremendously because I desperately needed the rest.

Being a mum to a newborn again after a hiatus of 6 years isn't ideal, especially when I'm pushing 40 and my attention span needs to be divided between all my kids. The only consolation is that the girls are old enough to help out with the baby - especially during diaper changing time. Wen's the expert in this area and she will systematically lay out the essentials on the bed: changing mat, diaper, wet wipes and diaper cream.  Wei has become Qi's masseuse and enjoys applying baby lotion on her hands and legs. Xian, being the eldest and 12 years older than Qi, watches her while I eat/bathe/visit the loo etc.

Fortunately, things are getting better because I'm now accustomed to an-all-too-familiar routine - not too tough to get back into the swing of things after a while, really. It's only now that I realised how much I miss the days of caring for a newborn.

And I suppose I'd better enjoy it while it lasts because I'm pretty certain Qi will be my final baby.

Valentine's Day 2014

I didn't realise this but the hub and I have been an item since 1995. That's *GASP* 19 years!

With the impending arrival of Number 4, his busy schedule and my reluctance to indulge in any additional expenses (having babies ain't cheap), we're probably going to keep things low-key.

Couplehood since 1995

Hubs, thanks for putting up with my nonsense, untidiness, inability to cook/clean/insert other household chores here ____________ etc. all these years and for accepting me as your life partner despite my many negative traits.

And here's to many more good years to come.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Fears

I didn't think it was possible but it was worth a shot - a fluke chance that I'd get lucky.

And now I'm sitting alone in New York New York, tucking into some Wild Mushroom with Sausage Baked Rice dish and typing this while waiting for Wen to finish her Art class.

Usually, my Monday evenings are spent huffing and puffing to the pumped-up music at my weekly Amore aerobics class. That's a routine I've faithfully kept to since December last year in a desperate attempt to live healthier lifestyle. But I cancelled my class today because I'm not quite sure if jumping around, doing squats, tummy crunches and lifting light weights will destablise my aging womb. I don't want to take any risks this time, having suffered two miscarriages last year.

Yes, I got a positive on the home pregnancy test kit. Two clear blue lines:

But I am paranoid. Extremely paranoid.

After Bonus and Lost, I wasn't sure if I wanted to conceive again. I mourned for the babies I couldn't carry and cuddle. And now that I've succeeded in getting pregnant, my next worry is whether I'll be able to carry this little one all the way to full term.

Plus, being close to 40 puts me in a high(er) risk category compared to 12 years ago when I became pregnant with Xian.

This constant worrying is getting me nowhere. My hub, the usual brick whom he is, assured me that he'd be there no matter what's the outcome. I told him not to whoop for joy too early because the last two losses have placed me on the defensive and I am preparing myself for the worse.

We haven't talked about it much simply because we don't want to raise each other's hopes knowing that the odds are stacked against us.

And we really shouldn't be greedy because we've three beautiful girls already, and they've brought us great joy despite the usual bouts of growing pains which we're beginning to experience as Xian slowly transforms into a teenager.

It's a wait-and-see game. Fingers crossed.

If. Perhaps. Maybe.

I was scrolling through the pinboards on Pintrest and I chanced upon this:

And it got me thinking about the "hits" and "misses" in my life, how I'd met people at  various stages and how  my life as I know it could have taken an alternative route and how things would have turned out completely different.

We know not what the future holds, and all the best laid plans in the world can never guarantee success, especially in relationships. 

Sure, they were numerous occasions when I wondered if I'd made the right decision and there's no denying that in moments of frustrations I wished I'd walked another path. 

And then those thoughts disappear in a puff.

Simply because I think it's silly to dwell on the past and if things are going to get any better, I've to stop moping and grumbling, and just do something positive to make it all better.

Happy 11th Birthday Xian!

Motherhood's been an interesting journey so far with many heartbreaking, heart-stopping, heartwarming moments.

And it all began for me 11 years ago this day.

Your first experience of anything is always memorable, whether it was pleasant or otherwise. Being a mother for the first time was no different, and I was overwhelmed with trepidation.

I was absolutely clueless about childbirth despite reading up intensively on the subject matter. No matter how prepared you THINK you are, you're never quite ready to take full responsibility for another life.

But I'm thankful my firstborn is such a sweetheart and made my foray into parenthood a relatively smooth sailing one, at least for the first few years.

She may not be academically brilliant, but she's a sensitive soul with a great big heart, and that's worth more than distinctions, academic awards and perfect grades.

Thank you so very much for enriching our lives, Xian! Happy Birthday!

The Script - Nothing

It's been exactly a week since I attended The Script's concert at the Singapore Indoor Stadium.

And. I'm *still* on a high. Wooooo-hoooooooooooooooooooo!

They're fabulous performers and I'll definitely watch them again if/when they come back to Singapore.

Here's my favourite song from their second album Science and Faith.

Nothing

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Then I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can't see where this is gonna end
But they all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing...)

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if we're face to face then she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step and path leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting
She'll take me back for sure

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing...)
She said nothing (nothing nothing)

Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Oh sometimes love's intoxicating
Oh you're coming down your hands are shaking
When you realise there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confess to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing...)
She said nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)

Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
I got nothing, I got nothing

By My Side

As I reach the tail-end of my 30s I've become more conscious of our mortality. Gone are my days where Valentine's Day is celebrated with gifts, chocolates and expensive flowers. These days I'm just happy that my loved ones are in good health and we can live to see another day.

This is for my wonderful husband, the unfortunate soul who's bound to me till we're parted by the Grim Reaper.

By My Side

We never really decided this
You and I
It just happened
We never discussed
We simply accepted
And that's that

Even when we're away from home
We naturally gravitate
To our respective areas
My side
Your side
No exchange of words

We shared this arrangement
For as long as I recall
Since our days together
Over a decade
Or so
And counting

We'll stick to this for as long as we can
Though I can't imagine
The day I turn
And face emptiness
I do think about it sometimes
And wonder how I'll get by


Teo Yuan Ching
14 February 2013

Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching

Cheers to 2013

Happy New Year and welcome 2013!

That's when I say thanks but no thanks to all that 2012 has given and taken away from me.

I don't want to elaborate further because I don't want to repeat the stories. Brings back cruel memories I want to lock up in the dungeon of my cold, bitter heart.

The only thing I want to do for 2013 is to put everything behind me and move on. 

Perhaps the single piece of good news that sprouted towards the last quarter was that Xian miraculously overcame her insecurities and academic woes, and managed to clear all examination papers in the final semester. Those results weren't excellent by normal standards, but when your kid's averaging 30+ for most subjects and she scores 60s and 70s for the finals, that's definitely a major accomplishment on her part so won't you be proud of her efforts? I definitely am. 

Of course she didn't pull it off on her own. I was on a verge of a nervous breaking down myself when she drastically lost about 4kg in a matter of weeks and also lost large amounts hair. It was the usual case of me battling others' expectations of my daughter. I'd to put my foot down but simultaneously tried to dodge the bullets that were relentlessly fired at my direction. To me, it's simple. I rather have my daughter healthy, happy and alive. Academic success is but a small fraction of what life is really about. So if I have to face the music and be executed for my actions, so be it. In the end, my victory was won by the sidelines, and the smile on Xian's face when she got her results was priceless.

And one of the crucial factors that pushed Xian's confidence level up was my insistence that she joined the Table Tennis practice sessions during the week-long September break. She handed me a consent form and I encouraged her to attend the sessions. It was during this period that Xian's coach identified her potential and this inspired her to take the sport more seriously. Her confidence was given a much needed boost - she finally found something she could called "her own" and there wasn't anyone else whom she could be compared to!

During the December hols, Xian was asked to attend many more sessions and even trained with the Secondary Table Tennis school team for a week. Her coach spoke to me and lamented that Xian's "discovered" too late - most of the school team members started in Primary 2 or 3 - but if she's willing to train hard, she can make it. He even specially selected a Table Tennis bat for her (the cheapo $20 ones I got for her weren't competition standard enough) that cost me $110. 

So for 2013, this could spell a big break for Xian. Whether she makes it to the school team or even gets a chance to represent her school in any competition isn't that important. What's more crucial is that she plays up on her strengths, embraces them and accepts her flaws. She's turning 11 and moving into her tweens, and that's going to be another headache for me.

As for Wen, 2012 also signalled new challenges for her. She formally embarked on her Primary school education and it was hilarious to witness how blasé she is about school life. Little Miss Scatterbrain is supremely cool and nonchalant, leaving school books and homework under her desk, losing her belongings and stationery without losing her cool! I received calls from her teachers about her lacklustre  academic performance - she doesn't try hard enough and is contented to just get by. While she's managed to scrape through Primary One with passable results (Xian performed better), I'm a little concerned that if she doesn't adopt a more positive attitude, she's going to land herself in hot soup with her teachers. And I may need to make frequent trips to meet them.

But the one thing that perks Wen up immediately? Her weekly Monday night art class. There's a glow on her face when she goes for her art lessons. And if I'm not home by 7pm to send her for class, she'll start calling me frantically even though her class is at 7.30pm. She aims to be the first for lesson but she's always the last to leave since she enjoys lingering around. Well, that's my second born for you. She's takes her Art lessons seriously and that's when she can truly indulge herself.

My youngest, but certainly not the least, probably enjoyed 2012 the most. She's a gregarious 4-year-old and enjoys being the baby bully in the family. She's quite the natural leader and often commands her sisters with barking orders. The hub and I always joke about how Wei's a little woman trapped in a girl's body. She argues with strong logic and rebuts everything you say. Most of Wei's teachers (except her Chinese teacher) have good comments about her behaviour and cheerful disposition. But oh, she's a handful, make NO mistake about that. When she sets her heart on something, there's little you can do to change her mind. And she's only turning FIVE in 2013.

So that's my little report card on my three Leonglets. They drive me crazy most of the time, especially when they squabble, but that's all part and parcel of growing up. And for me, that's what I knowingly got myself into when I decided to spawn.

We've had lots more downs than ups in 2012. I'm no oracle to foresee the future so I can't guarantee 2013 would be any brighter. But we can all hope a little, can't we?

Here's wishing everyone a Happier, Merrier, Cheerier and Infinitely Better 2013!

Christmas Wishes

It's that time of the year when greetings and gifts are exchanged in a frenzied pace.

Whether you really celebrate Christmas or not, it doesn't matter. What's more important is that we spend quality time with our friends and loved ones, to show them that we do care despite not possibly sharing it outwardly. And scrambling in the midst our hectic schedules, it's easy to forget how the little moments of affection can make a difference.

It's been a long year for me. Bonus and Lost were never meant to be part of our family, and everyday I mourn for them. Yet, I have to steel my heart and trudge away from my personal suffering, the traumatising, gaping wound that won't seem to heal. 

I've remind myself that I am blessed in many other ways - my three lovely Leonglets have blossomed and they are growing up fast. And for them, I thank for lucky stars. 

So here's wishing one and all a very splendid Christmas and may the season's joy bring love, laughter, blessings and good tidings to you and your loved ones!

The Man I Love

Heartfelt words for the love of my life.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband and loving father to our children!

The Man I love

He's an obstinate perfectionist
But he's not perfect
Then again, neither am I
So it matters little to me
That his flaws exist
'Cos that's the way he is

He's an unsung hero
Silently working behind the scenes
To make others shine
While they unabashedly accept credit
For his understated brilliance
For work that's not even their own

He's determined, proud and strong
That's what others see
In truth he's created an armour
An illusion to deceive
To cloak his vulnerability
His heart of pure gold

His sacrifices usually go unnoticed
His actions often misunderstood
I sense his disappointment
His heartfelt dejection
Of being betrayed
When best intentions are mistaken

It angers me to the core
When others take him for granted
Foist upon him outrageous demands
Or unreasonable expectations
The grievous injustice of it all
But I can offer no solutions

Many times I wish
He'd cut himself some slack
He drives himself too hard
He gives himself too little
Often I try to tell him this
And I wonder if he ever listens

Despite my humble efforts
To stay understanding and supportive
I'm ashamed to say
I'm also responsible
For adding on to his burden
When I should be his pillar

I made my choice years ago
And I'm not backing out any time now
I acknowledge his vices
I embrace his virtues
He's no Mr Universe
But he means the world to me


Teo Yuan Ching
25 March 2012

Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching

Red is ...

TODAYonline | World | Men prefer women dressed in red: Study

This is, well, interesting.

According to a new study, "Men are more attracted to women wearing red compared to other colours because they believe they are less likely to be rejected."

Does this means that when a girl's decked out in red she's more likely to get picked up?

The hub's favourite colour is red. Mine isn't (it's blue, if you must know). But over the years, I've accumulated a variety of red pieces primarily because of Chinese New Year.

If I take a quick look at my cupboard, hues of blue and turquoise dominate 65% of my wardrobe. It's natural that I'm more inclined towards these colours because they don't scream for attention and are easier on the eyes. Which is perfect for me since I don't like to stand out. If I could, I'd rather fly way below the radar and keep a really, really low profile.

What I do know and agree with is that red is a striking colour and if you're photographed in a red outfit, you appear more vibrant and energetic. The whole colour psychology kicks in - trust me on this as I've done my research for teaching purposes.

Just think of all the English phrases out there that include "red" e.g. "red-blooded", "red herring", "paint the town red", "seeing red", "red carpet", "red-letter day", "in the red", "red-light district" to name a few. Commonality? Love. Passion. Anger. Power. Sex.

This gives me an idea of what to get the hub for his birthday. Something red. Or what an ex-Singapore 'Beauty Queen' once uttered, "Something rad."

Chris De Burgh obviously knew what he was singing about back in 1986.

Enjoy this classic.

The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved

I know this isn't a new song. It's not even from The Script's latest album Science & Faith.

But I absolutely love it. LOVE IT!

The die-hard romantic in me embraces this song whole-heartedly because the lyrics are simple yet meaningful. Talk about being steadfast, loyal, faithful, hopelessly devoted and love-struck.
 

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand

Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am? "

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand

I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man

I know it makes no sense but what else can I do

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "Son you can't stay here"

I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"

Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows

If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

[Chorus:]

'Cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,

I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl

There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved

Maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news

And you'll come running to the corner

'Cause you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved

[Chorus 2x]

What's in a song?

It's been a week but my emotions are still raw and my nerves are frayed.

Every once in a while, the lump in my throat forms and fresh tears flow despite efforts to control myself. This happens mostly when alone and my mind starts to wander.

It doesn't help when I plug into my iPod while it's on shuffle mode and an emotionally-charged song hits me. Or when I'm driving and listening to the radio because I can't control the playlist.

And the one which gets to me every single time is Hoobastank's The Reason. Just the day before I was admitted to hospital, I drove MIL to the market. After she alighted, and while I was looking for a parking lot, the song came on.

I'm not a perfect person / There's many things I wish I didn't do

I quickly found a parking lot, slotted Pollie into the space, pulled up the brakes and sobbed. My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything except this deep searing pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. I was weeping uncontrollably and I'm sure strangers walking past my car must have been taken back at the sight of me crying behind the steering wheel.

Not that I cared, really. I think I just needed to let everything out and honestly, I did feel a sense of relief after a few minutes. I stayed in the car for a bit and made sure I regained my composure before I got out to collect MIL's marketing.

On Monday, after I'd left the hospital for my post-op check up, I joined the queue for the shuttle bus which would take me to Bishan MRT station. The hospital was under renovation and I refused to drive because parking lots were scarce and traffic flow a nightmare. This time, Journey's Open Arms did me in. And once again, my tear ducts went on overdrive. By the time I got off the bus and onto the MRT, my eyes were red. I kept wiping away my tears and again, I got uncomfortable stares from my fellow commuters who must have been absolutely relieved when I alighted at the next stop.

As I walked from the train station to the bus stop where the hub was waiting, I suddenly became conscious of my puffy eyes and desperately rubbed them in a bid to get rid of evidence. If the hub noticed, he didn't say a word, fortunately.

Obviously I haven't learnt my lesson about the effects certain songs will have on me during this emotionally traumatising period.

On my way home from work on Tuesday, the most unlikely of singers (and songs) smacked me unexpectedly - Katy Perry's The One That Got Away. Honestly, I didn't see it coming at all and for once, I was thankful for the red traffic light because it gave me some reprieve of sorts. And to make matters worse, Hoobastank's The Reason was on the playlist right after that.

You can well imagine my shaken state when I finally arrived home. I marched straight upstairs and stood under the shower for a good 10 minutes.

It's getting ridiculous. And I know the hub will be upset if he realises that I'm not keeping things together. He's been trying to get me out of the house, to catch a movie or go for a meal. But each time I cook up an excuse simply because I'm not in the mood to do anything except to vegetate in front of the TV where the flashy moving images can perfectly numb the brain. I even turned down his Valentine Day's date because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate anything - it didn't feel right, especially when I'm still grieving over Bonus.

Worse of all, I can't look the hub in the eye because I feel that I'm to blame somehow for this misfortune. Can't help thinking that Bonus didn't make it because of me, despite what medical experts may say.

Perhaps it's insensitive of me to pour out my private feelings onto such a public space, especially since some may get squeamish over my personal revelations. I don't want to apologise because I'm not flouting any laws or getting into legal trouble by expressing such thoughts.

I just need an outlet to vent my frustrations and grief. Rather than gorge myself silly and pile on unwanted kilos which is an extremely unhealthy option (I don't have much of an appetite anyway), I very much prefer to pen my thoughts. Writing's always been my therapy, my way of dealing with issues.

Regrettably, I've noted that my writing's altered over the years and I've deteriorated into adopting an overly simplistic narrative style. For an English and Literature graduate, I've definitely fallen short of expectations, particularly my own. Or maybe I'm just being bitter, and brutal self-criticism is a way of slapping myself with a much-delayed wake-up call.

This reflection of sorts has forced me to realise that my priorities have been messed up. I'm not driven to excel in my career - I don't aspire to take on managerial or supervisory positions, but since I've been given certain tasks and responsibilities, I won't shirk them. However, I think I've reached my limits and stupidly allowed my work to get the better of my health (and my family). I staunchly believe that my poor little Bonus couldn't survive such a harsh, stressful environment and yet I didn't do anything to change the situation.

Friends who've been in similarly distressful ordeals shared that what I'm experiencing is perfectly normal and assured me that in time, all will pass. I'm grateful for the wonderful support and encouragement throughout this trying period. This mourning must end at some point, and I've to get back on my feet for the sake of my three daughters and husband. Though I can't do anything for Bonus, I can definitely be there for the ones who need me.

G'bye 2011, Hello 2012!

Well. That was a really rough ride that lasted 365 days.

2011 wasn't exactly easy for me and there were countless humps and bumps along the way. I'd to deal with numerous issues at work and with the family. The usual stuff, really. But upon looking back at my tweets and FB status updates, I realised that 70% of them were angst-ridden, edgy, morbid, futile and downright depressing.

I've stopped making New Year resolutions a looooooooooooooong time ago because I break them no sooner than I've made them. So in 2012, I'm not going to hold myself to my own words because I know the effort will prove futile.

However, I'm going to TRY and curb my temper this year and keep chanting "patience" whenever I feel my fuse is about to get blown. That's not a resolution. It's just a "note-to-self".

I have come to a realisation that what matters most in my life right now is my family - the hub and my 3 girls. Together, they've brought me much pain, heartache and joy. And I'm glad that we all managed to make time for each other before 2011 ended.

Our family of 5 enjoyed a little staycation at Carlton Hotel From 30 December 2011 to 1 January 2012. Much like last year, our main aim was to enjoy the breathtaking "live" display.

But before that, the hub and I managed to re-live our pre-kids days by checking in on Friday first because we'd bought tickets to watch Wicked (undoubtedly the most wickedly awesome musical I've watched so far) at Marina Bay Sands.

Just the Two of Us

Room 971

All dressed up for a WICKED night out!

Being the scrooges that we've evolved into (bringing up 3 kids can be a huge strain to the finances), we actually walked back to the hotel after the musical. On foot, it was about 4km. Plus I wore 4-inch heels.

Super Ouch.

The next morning we drove back home to pick up the super-excited kids. With the exception of Xian who'd travelled to Taiwan with my parents, the rest of us didn't get a chance to go overseas on a holiday in 2011, so this staycation at Carlton was the highlight of our year-end celebrations.

After splashing and thrashing in the hotel pool and taking an early 5pm dinner at Raffles City's Din Tai Fung, we got the girls to take a nap so that they could stay up late to catch the fireworks. As usual, resistance from Wei the Terrorliza proved to be the most ferocious - she threw a tantrum and insisted on sleeping on the floor (a surefire sign she's REALLY sleepy). We left her alone as she fussed before she eventually she fell asleep and I carried her to bed.

We also stocked up on snacks, fruits, drinks, sausages, honey-glazed ribs, yogurt and donuts just in case the kids got hungry late in the night.

The 2 hour nap definitely recharged their batteries! Here's what a brief photo-log of our New Year's Eve celebration:

Wei's an angel when she's asleep...

Xian munches on potato chips!

Snack after the nap

Watching The Prince of Persia on TV

Wei's awake! Love the drowsy look... 

After freshening up, this lil' firecracker's keen to catch fireworks

Xian's wearing MY shoes! Her feet's only 1 size smaller than mine! 

The hub dances with the girls on the way out of the hotel 

Waiting (impatiently) for the fireworks display

Waiting, waiting, waiting... 

Someone's getting bored 

"Mummy! Why so long?!??!?!" 

Finally, a photo with my girls! 

The smoky sky after 10 minutes of impressive fireworks 

Back at the hotel, wearing my heels and joking around 

Let's toast to 2012! Non-alcoholic sparkling juice, of course! 

Cheers!

The girls are clearly exhausted after a really long day (and night)

Our usual family photo - last picture for the album!

I suppose this will continue to be a family tradition until such time when the girls would most likely opt to spend New Year's Eve with their friends and ditch their boring, uncool parents. (They do grow so fast. Too fast for my liking.)

But I am contented. All the accumulated misery and bitterness in me dissolved in those two days and the realisation dawned on me that my hub and children are the most important people in my life. Everything else is a distant second. Whatever sacrifices I've made and whatever inconveniences I've to put up with for their sake are worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears I've shed in the past decade or so.

Only because they mean the world to me. :)

So here's my wish for everyone in 2012: Happy New Year! Have a wonderful 2012 packed with laughter, happiness, good fortune and great health, and may all your dreams be fulfilled!