Horrors!
All my previous blog posts on Multiply have been wiped clean! They've pulled the plug and deleted everything!
My postings, photos and poems...GONE.
I tried to search for cached items and managed to retrieve a few random postings and half my poems. Thankfully I managed to "save" some. But the majority of my blog posts have disappeared. :(
So now I'm going to back up the poems, including the ones I've posted here, into my hard-drive and keep several copies in multiple storage places. These are sentimental pieces which I'd love to present to my children as memories when it's my time to leave this material world.
Lesson learnt: BACK UP EVERYTHING!
Showing posts with label what the *#%. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what the *#%. Show all posts
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Monday, April 01, 2013
The April Fool
The April Fool
Sometimes I question my blind faith and devotion
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing too little
Because I'm often told I'm not doing enough
Yet I find myself drained because I've given it my all
For all that I've done, it's never quite sufficient
For those who demand my time, heart and soul
Everyone asks for my understanding
But will anyone slip on my shoes for a change?
No - none are Fools like me
Patience is a virtue I grudgingly acknowledge
Endurance is more than completing a marathon
I yearn for simplicity but face complexity
Just because I'm always here
Doesn't mean I'll be here forever
You have limits as do I
Sometimes I question my blind faith and devotion
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing too little
Because I'm often told I'm not doing enough
Yet I find myself drained because I've given it my all
For all that I've done, it's never quite sufficient
For those who demand my time, heart and soul
Everyone asks for my understanding
But will anyone slip on my shoes for a change?
No - none are Fools like me
Patience is a virtue I grudgingly acknowledge
Endurance is more than completing a marathon
I yearn for simplicity but face complexity
Just because I'm always here
Doesn't mean I'll be here forever
You have limits as do I
Teo Yuan Ching
1 April 2013
Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I Need a Recharge
I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling right now.
It's a bag of mixed emotions, but most of all, I can feel the pent-up anger waiting to explode.
I promised myself I would remain cool about this, and I should try to take things easy.
But as everyone knows, it's always easier said than done.
And no matter how you've braced yourself to expect the worst, you're often left defenseless when reality hits you and shreds you to bits.
Admittedly, I am much calmer now than the previous time because I am no longer that naive, and I know terrible things can happen to the everyday person.
2012 has just been an absolute bitch. Well, at least to me.
And I can't wait for the year to just get the heck out of my life because I want to move on and bury the past behind.
For the record, 2012, you've been the worst year that's ever come into contact with me so far. And if every single year after you is going to be exactly like you or worse, then I've to turn up my resilient mode and adopt a guerilla warfare approach to take the likes of you down.
Just about 5 more months to this ghastly year and I hope I'll be able to say "GOOD RIDDANCE" at the stroke of midnight on 31 December 2012 and welcome a new, and hopefully, much better year.
The hub's right. I need a break and hell, I think I deserve one. I'm tired of picking up after people's rubbish and covering up their sorry excuse of half-arsed efforts in the work place. And I'm sick of being the one responsible for my children's weaknesses and faults, as if other children are perfect and flawless.
After 10 years of devoting myself to my family and more years to my jobs, I'm left wondering if this is my life's true purpose. I have no regrets in my decisions so far, but I realise that the only way for me to function without having a mental breakdown is to nourish my own body and soul.
Time to recharge my 38-year-old batteries.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
A Woman's Worth
A woman's self worth should never be measured solely on the number of heirs or successful children she's produced for her husband's family.
Yet, regrettably for the fairer sex, this is still the case even as we've crossed into the 21st Century.
How many times have I heard laments that a family's lineage is broken because there are no heirs to "carry down" the family name? Or that wives are not doing their duty by denying their husbands offspring? Or that husbands are entitled to take a lover in hopes of bearing a son? Or that working mothers are selfish and self-centred, unlike noble SAHMs who give up their careers for the sake of their children? Or that once married, a woman's lost her identity? Or that once a single woman's passed her sell-by date she's going to be a burden to society because she doesn't have a man by her side?
For whatever reasons, some people should stop offering "friendly" but unwanted advice. It's rude, intrusive and hurtful.
Before anyone criticises the seemingly footloose fancy-free DINKS (that's dual-income-no-kids for the clueless), I urge you to stop and think for a minute. Perhaps they do want kids but for some reason aren't able to conceive. And it's AWFUL to hear nosy relatives and friends asking why they haven't started family planning when they have been trying hard to get pregnant.
And for the ladies who've decided not to settled down legally, perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. And they're the ones who will get the last laugh.
Someone in the family (not related by blood, but purely by legal connections) once commented that when a woman is married, she's like water poured out of the front door. I was mortified that my life - and worth - had been literally "washed away". I started to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. It was traumatic to learn that my value as a person was pegged to such out-dated perceptions of how an obedient wife / daughter-in-law / mother should behave.
Rubbish, I say. Utter rubbish. I am no slave to the family. My parents did not send me to school to watch me graduate with a bachelors and masters degree, only to became a second-rate citizen in my husband's family. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm worthless. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I don't have rights.
I've heard enough. And I'm stating this on record that I've had enough. I hang on only because I love my hub and kids dearly, and I'll protect them at all costs. And I want my three daughters to grow up knowing that it's perfectly all right to be girls, and that there's nothing to be ashamed of.
In spite of all the discrimination, I'm thankful that the hub's been silently supportive. Of course, there are times when the alpha male in him surfaces, but I don't blame him because he's been conditioned that way.
Anyway, Chinese families tend to favour sons over daughters and I've seen this even in my own family. It's no secret that my deceased grandfather held his sons in high esteem, and that his sons could do no wrong. Yet when he was at his deathbed, and my youngest aunt was his main care-giver, he was oblivious to her existence. He took her for granted and uttered no word of appreciation. Naturally, my aunt felt hurt, but she silently carried out her duty and was filial to the very end.
Times are changing, and society's beginning to slowly alter the perception of women's place in the larger scheme of things. While I'm still unable to escape these expectations, I must admit that I've had a much easier time compared to women decades ago. I can only hope that when my own girls start their own careers, and perhaps their own families, they'll be accepted for who they are and not what they're supposed to be.
Here's an apt song by Alicia Keys that summarises women's value in society.
A Woman's Worth
You could buy me diamonds
You could buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
Baby you know I'm worth it
Dinner lit by candles
Run my bubble bath
Make love tenderly to last, to last
Cause baby you know I'm worth it
Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just dough but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you chose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth
[Chorus]
Cause a real man, knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth
If you treat me fairly
I'll give you all my goods
Treat you like a real woman should
Baby I know you're worth it
If you never play me
Promise not to bluff
I'll hold you down when shit gets rough
Cause baby I know you're worth it
She walks the mile makes you smile all the while being true
Don't take for granted the passions that she has for you
You will lose if you chose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth
[Chorus]
No need to read between the lines spelled out for you (spelled out for you)
Just hear this song cause you can't go wrong when you value (better value)
A woman's (woman's)
Woman's (woman's)
Worth!
Yet, regrettably for the fairer sex, this is still the case even as we've crossed into the 21st Century.
How many times have I heard laments that a family's lineage is broken because there are no heirs to "carry down" the family name? Or that wives are not doing their duty by denying their husbands offspring? Or that husbands are entitled to take a lover in hopes of bearing a son? Or that working mothers are selfish and self-centred, unlike noble SAHMs who give up their careers for the sake of their children? Or that once married, a woman's lost her identity? Or that once a single woman's passed her sell-by date she's going to be a burden to society because she doesn't have a man by her side?
For whatever reasons, some people should stop offering "friendly" but unwanted advice. It's rude, intrusive and hurtful.
Before anyone criticises the seemingly footloose fancy-free DINKS (that's dual-income-no-kids for the clueless), I urge you to stop and think for a minute. Perhaps they do want kids but for some reason aren't able to conceive. And it's AWFUL to hear nosy relatives and friends asking why they haven't started family planning when they have been trying hard to get pregnant.
And for the ladies who've decided not to settled down legally, perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. And they're the ones who will get the last laugh.
Someone in the family (not related by blood, but purely by legal connections) once commented that when a woman is married, she's like water poured out of the front door. I was mortified that my life - and worth - had been literally "washed away". I started to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. It was traumatic to learn that my value as a person was pegged to such out-dated perceptions of how an obedient wife / daughter-in-law / mother should behave.
Rubbish, I say. Utter rubbish. I am no slave to the family. My parents did not send me to school to watch me graduate with a bachelors and masters degree, only to became a second-rate citizen in my husband's family. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm worthless. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I don't have rights.
I've heard enough. And I'm stating this on record that I've had enough. I hang on only because I love my hub and kids dearly, and I'll protect them at all costs. And I want my three daughters to grow up knowing that it's perfectly all right to be girls, and that there's nothing to be ashamed of.
In spite of all the discrimination, I'm thankful that the hub's been silently supportive. Of course, there are times when the alpha male in him surfaces, but I don't blame him because he's been conditioned that way.
Anyway, Chinese families tend to favour sons over daughters and I've seen this even in my own family. It's no secret that my deceased grandfather held his sons in high esteem, and that his sons could do no wrong. Yet when he was at his deathbed, and my youngest aunt was his main care-giver, he was oblivious to her existence. He took her for granted and uttered no word of appreciation. Naturally, my aunt felt hurt, but she silently carried out her duty and was filial to the very end.
Times are changing, and society's beginning to slowly alter the perception of women's place in the larger scheme of things. While I'm still unable to escape these expectations, I must admit that I've had a much easier time compared to women decades ago. I can only hope that when my own girls start their own careers, and perhaps their own families, they'll be accepted for who they are and not what they're supposed to be.
Here's an apt song by Alicia Keys that summarises women's value in society.
A Woman's Worth
You could buy me diamonds
You could buy me pearls
Take me on a cruise around the world
Baby you know I'm worth it
Dinner lit by candles
Run my bubble bath
Make love tenderly to last, to last
Cause baby you know I'm worth it
Wanna please wanna keep wanna treat your woman right
Not just dough but to show that you know she is worth your time
You will lose if you chose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth
[Chorus]
Cause a real man, knows a real woman when he sees her
And a real woman knows a real man ain't afraid to please her
And a real woman knows a real man always comes first
And a real man just can't deny a woman's worth
If you treat me fairly
I'll give you all my goods
Treat you like a real woman should
Baby I know you're worth it
If you never play me
Promise not to bluff
I'll hold you down when shit gets rough
Cause baby I know you're worth it
She walks the mile makes you smile all the while being true
Don't take for granted the passions that she has for you
You will lose if you chose to refuse to put her first
She will if she can find a man who knows her worth
[Chorus]
No need to read between the lines spelled out for you (spelled out for you)
Just hear this song cause you can't go wrong when you value (better value)
A woman's (woman's)
Woman's (woman's)
Worth!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
TODAYonline | World | Dad kills 3-year-old by stuffing him in a washing machine
TODAYonline | World | Dad kills 3-year-old by stuffing him in a washing machine
It's a cruel world.
Millions of child-less couples are dying for a baby.
Yet some who're blessed with children are killing their own flesh and blood.
This case exposes human nature's extreme cruelty. According to the reports, the inhumane father put the boy naked into the washing machine "to punish him for getting into trouble at nursery school."
Pardon my language, but WHAT THE FUCK?
How can the demented man inflict such deathly punishment on a 3 year-old boy? Of course the kid will get into trouble! He's so young! Which child has NEVER gotten into trouble at school? It's all part and parcel of growing up!
For crying out loud, the boy was only 3!?!?!?!!
And then there's the murderous mother who microwaved her baby.
It's frightening that the human race, once thought to be superior, has evolved into such a beastly specimen. I dread to think what fate beholds us all. Perhaps this is a sign of times to come.
For crying out loud, the boy was only 3!?!?!?!!
And then there's the murderous mother who microwaved her baby.
It's frightening that the human race, once thought to be superior, has evolved into such a beastly specimen. I dread to think what fate beholds us all. Perhaps this is a sign of times to come.
Friday, June 03, 2011
Teen in China sells kidney to buy iPad 2
Teen in China sells kidney to buy iPad 2
This says a LOT about the new generation.
Are they too materialistic for their own good?
Selling your body parts to buy a product that will be obsolete in months to come? What will you consider selling next? Your liver? Fingers and toes?
Really, this gives a whole new spin to the phrase "I'd give an arm or leg for..."
Too scary for words. *shudder*
This says a LOT about the new generation.
Are they too materialistic for their own good?
Selling your body parts to buy a product that will be obsolete in months to come? What will you consider selling next? Your liver? Fingers and toes?
Really, this gives a whole new spin to the phrase "I'd give an arm or leg for..."
Too scary for words. *shudder*
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Who Dunnit? Chocs, Jelly Beans, Ice Cream or Watermelon?
As a kid, I loved playing Parker Brother's Cluedo (or Clue in USA) and during the school holidays, I'd round up my cousins / neighbours / aunts to play the board game over and over and over again.
While Monopoly was another favourite, we usually got bored after a while 'cos technically there won't be an end to the game unless someone goes bankrupt. And once all the properties are bought, houses and hotels are built, the fun's almost over. So after rounds and rounds of collecting $200, landing in jail, trespassing on another player's property and paying "rent", someone would usually say, "OK. I'm bored. I'm done. Let's play something else!"
But with Cluedo, there's always an exciting end to solve the mysterious murder of Dr. Black. We loved playing detectives and would always race to check the clues, rule out suspects and wait for the opportune time to triumphantly declare "It's Professor Plum, in the Dinning Room, with a Candlestick! or "Colonel Mustard, in the Kitchen, with a Rope!"
It's been close to a decade (or more) since I dusted out the old board game. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I still have it in my possession. It was a Christmas present from one of my aunts when I was 8 or 9 but I'm not sure what happened to it after I got married and moved out of my parents' home.
I'd forgotten all about Cluedo till this evening, when I returned from work today to find little Terrorliza coughing violently, with phlegm stuck in her throat. She managed to get to bed early but woke up again in the middle of the night because she was seized by a coughing fit which became progressively severe.
That was when a whole slew of accusations came hurtling towards my direction because I'd given her a piece of Toblerone chocolate over the weekend despite knowing that she was recovering from a bad throat / cough. My mum had taken the kids out during the day and like most doting grandmothers, she treated them to ice-cream and jelly beans. So she was another suspect.
I rushed Terrorliza to the toilet just in time and she threw up - blobs of phlegm and bits of...watermelon. (According to the wise, watermelon is considered a "cooling" fruit which shouldn't be consumed when one is coughing. Or something like that.)
After cleaning Terrorliza up, giving her some medication, rubbing Mentholatum on her chest, back and throat, my little one finally got to sleep albeit much whining and fussing.
I don't like to playing the finger-pointing game but since I'm now implicated in this whole situation, I'd better do something to solve the problem.
New fact: I wasn't home when Terrorliza had watermelon after dinner. And my mum had already left by then.
So fellow detectives, who or which was the culprit that triggered the return of Terrorliza's big, bad nasty cough?
(a) Mumsy (i.e. me) - because she gave Terrorliza a piece of chocolate on Saturday night
(b) Grandmee (i.e. my mum) - because she gave Terrorliza ice-cream and jelly beans on Wednesday afternoon
(c) Mystery Caregiver - because she/he gave Terrorliza watermelon on Wednesday Evening
(d) All of the above
After much (soul) searching, I've come to the devastating conclusion that in this mystery, facts don't count for nought. So the culprits, by popular consensus, are (a) + (b). Simply because it's more convenient to find fault with others who're always considered to be incompetent, negligent, irresponsible and brainless.
I rest my case.
Friday, December 24, 2010
TODAYonline | World | World in Brief | Dead three-year-old fed olive oil and vinegar
TODAYonline | World | World in Brief | Dead three-year-old fed olive oil and vinegar
What in the world is happening?!??!?!?
First, reports about online-game-crazy addict mums who kill their kids for "disturbing" their games. And now this??!?!?!
If people aren't ready to be parents, they should think twice about having a kid. Parenthood ain't child's play, folks. It's serious business.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Today, I Despair
For the first time in many years, I suddenly feel like throwing everything away and going into hiding.
I'm a little ashamed to
say it but I think I'm losing it - my stuff, my patience, my mind. Last Friday I lost my handphone. My battered and chipped Nokia N95 accompanied me to the washroom and that was the last I'd seen of it. It was an old phone and it had seen better days, but I was more distraught about losing the data - contacts and most importantly, photos and videos of my kids. I just don't like the thought of someone else looking through my messages, private details and memories of my family.
Today, I realised I lost something important and what's worse, it doesn't belong to me. I searched the whole office upside down, turned everything inside and out but I couldn't find it.
I've just about had it with myself and everything else. Maybe this is a sign that I should reconsider my options and take stock of what's happening in my life.
As predicted, Xian's results were disappointing but what's more upsetting is that I don't know how to help her pull through this. I don't have the answers and I certainly don't have the solution to solve her issues.
And I feel alone in this because everyone else in the family has a conflicting view towards her dyslexia. The hub strongly believes Xian just needs to work hard to overcome her learning disabilities. Everyone wants her to do better and is encouraging her in different ways. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive but some of the remarks, while uttered with good intentions, appear to have produced a negative effect on Xian. I sense her helplessness and frustration but I'm equally at a loss. Fingers point at my direction for not guiding her properly - what kind of mother am I for not spending enough time and effort in helping her revise her schoolwork before the exams? Why didn't I take leave from work to guide her properly?
At work, I'm scrambling to complete deadlines and handle administrative responsibilities that come with my appointment. I have no qualms about admitting that I am happier teaching. Management work is something I don't fancy and it's what I turned away from in my previous job because I wanted to focus and concentrate on being a teacher who'll make a difference to others' lives. I don't want the additional responsibilities of managing other people or being held accountable for the actions of others.
I'm no quitter, but today, I've had it. It's been such a long time since I've felt this miserable and I'm totally, absolutely disgusted with myself.
I'm not strong enough. I'm crying as I type this. I just fucking hate myself for being so uncharacteristically weak and for being in this deplorable state. I just want to lock myself away and throw away the damn key. I'm not asking for sympathy and I don't others to pity me because I don't deserve any and I sure as hell don't want to drag anyone down.
I'm writing because that's always been my way of coping with stress. And I was hoping that it would, as always, make me feel a little better.
But even this is not working. And I'm rambling on without a structure in place. I'm furiously keying in my thoughts as they flash across my mind.
Today, I despair.
My emotions are beyond repair.
I just want to scream.
I just want to escape.
Today, I am an empty tank.
My mind is a state of blank.
I just want to weep.
I just want to hate.
Today, I am derailed.
My five senses have failed.
I just want to disappear.
I just want to get away from it all.
What the hell is happening to me?
I'm a little ashamed to
say it but I think I'm losing it - my stuff, my patience, my mind. Last Friday I lost my handphone. My battered and chipped Nokia N95 accompanied me to the washroom and that was the last I'd seen of it. It was an old phone and it had seen better days, but I was more distraught about losing the data - contacts and most importantly, photos and videos of my kids. I just don't like the thought of someone else looking through my messages, private details and memories of my family.Today, I realised I lost something important and what's worse, it doesn't belong to me. I searched the whole office upside down, turned everything inside and out but I couldn't find it.
I've just about had it with myself and everything else. Maybe this is a sign that I should reconsider my options and take stock of what's happening in my life.
As predicted, Xian's results were disappointing but what's more upsetting is that I don't know how to help her pull through this. I don't have the answers and I certainly don't have the solution to solve her issues.
And I feel alone in this because everyone else in the family has a conflicting view towards her dyslexia. The hub strongly believes Xian just needs to work hard to overcome her learning disabilities. Everyone wants her to do better and is encouraging her in different ways. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive but some of the remarks, while uttered with good intentions, appear to have produced a negative effect on Xian. I sense her helplessness and frustration but I'm equally at a loss. Fingers point at my direction for not guiding her properly - what kind of mother am I for not spending enough time and effort in helping her revise her schoolwork before the exams? Why didn't I take leave from work to guide her properly?
At work, I'm scrambling to complete deadlines and handle administrative responsibilities that come with my appointment. I have no qualms about admitting that I am happier teaching. Management work is something I don't fancy and it's what I turned away from in my previous job because I wanted to focus and concentrate on being a teacher who'll make a difference to others' lives. I don't want the additional responsibilities of managing other people or being held accountable for the actions of others.
I'm no quitter, but today, I've had it. It's been such a long time since I've felt this miserable and I'm totally, absolutely disgusted with myself.
I'm not strong enough. I'm crying as I type this. I just fucking hate myself for being so uncharacteristically weak and for being in this deplorable state. I just want to lock myself away and throw away the damn key. I'm not asking for sympathy and I don't others to pity me because I don't deserve any and I sure as hell don't want to drag anyone down.
I'm writing because that's always been my way of coping with stress. And I was hoping that it would, as always, make me feel a little better.
But even this is not working. And I'm rambling on without a structure in place. I'm furiously keying in my thoughts as they flash across my mind.
Today, I despair.
My emotions are beyond repair.
I just want to scream.
I just want to escape.
Today, I am an empty tank.
My mind is a state of blank.
I just want to weep.
I just want to hate.
Today, I am derailed.
My five senses have failed.
I just want to disappear.
I just want to get away from it all.
What the hell is happening to me?
Monday, November 01, 2010
Murder of teen at Downtown East mistaken for Halloween prank - Channel NewsAsia
Murder of teen at Downtown East mistaken for Halloween prank - Channel NewsAsia
This must be the greatest Halloween horror story.
A nasty prank gone wrong? In any case, it's a disaster. One that will send shivers up your spine.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Toddler quits smoking
Toddler quits smoking
This must be most horrifying piece of news I've received in a long time.
Minus natural disasters, terrorist attacks and accidents, of course.
How in the world could any sane parent give a toddler a cigarette to smoke?!!? This 2-year-old kid was smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a DAY!
Initially, I taught it was a hoax until I saw the photo.
It's sickening. Why do people perform such ridiculous, downright atrocious acts? Honestly, if you want to smoke, no one is stopping you. But to offer it to an innocent toddler who doesn't know better? That's plain irresponsibility and stupidity!
My heart goes out to the poor kid. According to the reports, he's now cured. But I'm not sure how this is going to last before he succumbs to the stick again...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
'Spiderman' arrested
'Spiderman' arrested
The world is full of strange people with strange past-times like climbing skyscrapers with their bare hands and getting arrested for it.
Apparently the French Spiderman has been in trouble with the law before but that obviously didn't stop him from scaling yet another building.
Plus, he's got an AGENT!
I guess he's made sufficient money from his crazy exploits to warrant the services of a publicist to manage his "career".
Friday, August 20, 2010
TODAYonline | World | Vuvuzela now a valid English word
TODAYonline World Vuvuzela now a valid English word
The most annoying piece of South Africa's World Cup 2010 history has officially made it to Oxford Dictionary's latest edition.
And suddenly, I want go get a Vuvuzela for myself! Just think of how effective it will be when I try to wake sleepy Xian up at 5.30 in the mornings.
The most annoying piece of South Africa's World Cup 2010 history has officially made it to Oxford Dictionary's latest edition.
And suddenly, I want go get a Vuvuzela for myself! Just think of how effective it will be when I try to wake sleepy Xian up at 5.30 in the mornings.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
TODAYonline | Hot News | 401 suicides last year: SOS
TODAYonline Hot News 401 suicides last year: SOS
From a mother's perspective, this is possibly the most gut-wrenching tragedy to experience: that of your child taking his or her own life. The guilt that consumes soon-after, the horrible realisation a loved one was calling out for help, and nobody responded or even realised something was wrong.
All it takes is that little nudge to throw things off balance. And then it's too late. A life lost. And the effects are irreversible.
There are a plethora of reasons why someone would want to contemplate suicide: being driven to a corner, feeling desperate, lost and helpless, with seemingly no way out.
I've been there. Although it was an abrupt decision that stayed for all three seconds and vanished promptly, the fact remained that the idea was tempting.
This happened many years ago, when I was about 15 or 16. The usual combination of pressure from parents, school work, identity crisis, self-doubt etc. resulted in the creation of an emotional wreck.
I was having difficulty coping with school work: flunking Mathematics, Physics and Chinese continuously. It didn't help that my friends were brilliant students who constantly obtained no less than distinctions when I was struggling to scrape through. This in turn affected my other subjects like English, Literature and History which I sometimes sacrificed in order to spend more time on my weaker ones. Unfortunately for me, I had to choose a Science combination at school because that was the only option available and for the longest time, I loathed this because I was clearly an Arts student.
Of course, there was the usual range of relationship issues which plague teenagers incessantly: crushes, infatuations, situations of being sandwiched between friends and lovers etc. I was caught up in many of these intricate webs and it was an exhausting affair to extricate myself out of complicated messes.
My parents were not very expressive (save for the usual torrent of verbal lashings which were aimed at my incompetence, laziness and overall appalling behaviour) and couldn't deal with the changes their teenager was going through. I was an emo kid. Back in the 80s and 90s, this term hadn't been coined yet, but yes, I definitely was emo.
I managed to overcome my personal issues with the help of friends, the same wonderful bunch whose names were pinned up on the board when the 'O' level results were released - the ones who got 10/9/8/7/6 distinctions. They didn't care if I was "academically challenged" and didn't laugh when I managed to secure 2 distinctions (a pale comparison to their 10/8/9/7/6) and I think that encouraged and motivated me. Though we aren't as close as we are today because our own work and family commitments, I'm thankful and grateful that they provided listening ears and kind words, and pulled me back from the brink.
As a teen, I discovered another way to overcome my little pockets of depression: writing. I churned out several short stories and poems whenever I became moody in school. And it's a practice I still continue till this day, as you can plainly see. For me, writing is therapeutic although to some others, it's viewed as a complete waste of time. Personally I think it's rude and inconsiderate to comment otherwise. Everyone has different coping mechanisms and strategies and we should all learn to accommodate each other.
My reasoning, no matter how clouded it was back in those dark days, was much influenced by emotions and sense of responsibility. Perhaps that was also my saving grace because I immediately felt ashamed about even daring to entertain the possibility of ending my own life. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my own parents through my selfish, foolish and ridiculous actions.
This entry didn't start out as a pouring-of-woes confession. That was hardly my intention at all. But, as usual, now that it's out in the open, I feel like a burden has been lifted because very few people actually knew what I was going through when I was younger, that I even harboured such terrible thoughts.
Back to my original point. Suicide is a cruel and painful way of leaving this world. Cruel and painful to the ones who have to continue the journey of life with memories of what-could-have-beens. Perhaps the 401 people who terminated their own lives should have pondered over this a little more before they executed their deadly actions.
From a mother's perspective, this is possibly the most gut-wrenching tragedy to experience: that of your child taking his or her own life. The guilt that consumes soon-after, the horrible realisation a loved one was calling out for help, and nobody responded or even realised something was wrong.
All it takes is that little nudge to throw things off balance. And then it's too late. A life lost. And the effects are irreversible.
There are a plethora of reasons why someone would want to contemplate suicide: being driven to a corner, feeling desperate, lost and helpless, with seemingly no way out.
I've been there. Although it was an abrupt decision that stayed for all three seconds and vanished promptly, the fact remained that the idea was tempting.
This happened many years ago, when I was about 15 or 16. The usual combination of pressure from parents, school work, identity crisis, self-doubt etc. resulted in the creation of an emotional wreck.
I was having difficulty coping with school work: flunking Mathematics, Physics and Chinese continuously. It didn't help that my friends were brilliant students who constantly obtained no less than distinctions when I was struggling to scrape through. This in turn affected my other subjects like English, Literature and History which I sometimes sacrificed in order to spend more time on my weaker ones. Unfortunately for me, I had to choose a Science combination at school because that was the only option available and for the longest time, I loathed this because I was clearly an Arts student.
Of course, there was the usual range of relationship issues which plague teenagers incessantly: crushes, infatuations, situations of being sandwiched between friends and lovers etc. I was caught up in many of these intricate webs and it was an exhausting affair to extricate myself out of complicated messes.
My parents were not very expressive (save for the usual torrent of verbal lashings which were aimed at my incompetence, laziness and overall appalling behaviour) and couldn't deal with the changes their teenager was going through. I was an emo kid. Back in the 80s and 90s, this term hadn't been coined yet, but yes, I definitely was emo.
I managed to overcome my personal issues with the help of friends, the same wonderful bunch whose names were pinned up on the board when the 'O' level results were released - the ones who got 10/9/8/7/6 distinctions. They didn't care if I was "academically challenged" and didn't laugh when I managed to secure 2 distinctions (a pale comparison to their 10/8/9/7/6) and I think that encouraged and motivated me. Though we aren't as close as we are today because our own work and family commitments, I'm thankful and grateful that they provided listening ears and kind words, and pulled me back from the brink.
As a teen, I discovered another way to overcome my little pockets of depression: writing. I churned out several short stories and poems whenever I became moody in school. And it's a practice I still continue till this day, as you can plainly see. For me, writing is therapeutic although to some others, it's viewed as a complete waste of time. Personally I think it's rude and inconsiderate to comment otherwise. Everyone has different coping mechanisms and strategies and we should all learn to accommodate each other.
My reasoning, no matter how clouded it was back in those dark days, was much influenced by emotions and sense of responsibility. Perhaps that was also my saving grace because I immediately felt ashamed about even daring to entertain the possibility of ending my own life. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my own parents through my selfish, foolish and ridiculous actions.
This entry didn't start out as a pouring-of-woes confession. That was hardly my intention at all. But, as usual, now that it's out in the open, I feel like a burden has been lifted because very few people actually knew what I was going through when I was younger, that I even harboured such terrible thoughts.
Back to my original point. Suicide is a cruel and painful way of leaving this world. Cruel and painful to the ones who have to continue the journey of life with memories of what-could-have-beens. Perhaps the 401 people who terminated their own lives should have pondered over this a little more before they executed their deadly actions.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Yeah Oranje!
I can't believe it! The Dutch beat the Brazilians in the quarter finals!
What a shocker! I'd expected the Samba Kings to dazzle with their fancy footwork and slick passing skills. Indeed they lived up to expectations in the first 10 minutes with an opening goal by Robinho and looked set to cruise into victory at the end of the first half.
But this was not to be as the Brazilian' fortunes nosedived when the teams reconvened on the pitch after half time. The Dutch equalised in the 53rd minute (actually it was an own goal by Felipe Melo when he tried to head the ball away from the goal) and Wesley Sneijder's 68th minute header put the Oranje in the lead.
Then came the shocking red card for Felipe Melo as he stamped hard on Arjen Robben's hamstring. And that was the proverbial final nail in the coffin for Brazil. With 10 men and 1 goal down, it would take a miracle for the tournament's favourites to move on to the semi-finals, especially after the Dutch managed to get their act together in the second half.
Although both teams had advanced without losing a single match in the finals, I felt that Brazil's a much stronger team in terms of playing style, skills and technicality. So it was a major disappointment that they were knocked out as I'd expected them to play in the finals.
I've always been a supporter of the underdogs and I'd wanted Holland to score so that the game would be more exciting. I didn't think they'd beat Brazil and it was indeed a pleasant surprise. I guess the bookies and punters are in a rage now.
Next match: Uruguay vs Ghana, and the winners will meet the Oranje! But tomorrow's fixtures of Germany vs Argentina, and Spain vs Paraguay are more drool-worthy. Thank goodness it's the weekend and I don't have to be up at 5.30 to get Xian ready for school!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
2010 Just Ain't Smooth So Far
Goodness gracious ! I missed the entire months of January AND February without a single post!
Now, that's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. Considering the fact that I love to write and dabble with words.
But the awful truth is that time's not on my side and since the beginning of 2010, my role as a mum has taken a drastic turn for the worse. Especially since Xian's now in primary 2 and her workload's increased tremendously.
Each day, I rush back after office to check her (atrocious) work. The minute I'm back, I dump my bag in the hall and rummage through Xian's school bag to make doubly sure that she's completed her homework. She has the tendency to "forget" and there were several instances of her missing out pages and I only realised it when her work gets returned!
Sometimes, I only have my dinner at about 9.30pm - after Xian goes to bed. Threats don't seem to work and I've had to wield the cane or feather duster and hit the poor chair or table before the sloth decides to inch away from the radius of my reach.
What a life.
The realisation hit me hard: Xian needs helps with her work - I think she's overwhelmed with activities and school's moving at too fast a pace for her. The main problem is that she's weak in English and doesn't like to write. She doesn't read as much as I'd like her to, and that weak literacy level has upped the stakes for her.
Yeah, what an irony since her mum's an English major and language teacher with a voracious appetite for books.
I guess what they say is true - it's tough to teach your own kids. That's the whole problem. I get extremely frustrated and whatever oodles of patience I have for my own students magically vapourises the moment I check through Xian's work and spot glaring errors.
My greatest challenge in 2010 will definitely be tackling Xian's issues with school work. And it sure doesn't help that she's steadily becoming more defiant. She's only going to be 8 this year, but that's not stopping her from picking up negative traits and behaviour from the people around her.
*SIGH*. Parenthood is tough. And that's the understatement of the year.
Now, that's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. Considering the fact that I love to write and dabble with words.
But the awful truth is that time's not on my side and since the beginning of 2010, my role as a mum has taken a drastic turn for the worse. Especially since Xian's now in primary 2 and her workload's increased tremendously.
Each day, I rush back after office to check her (atrocious) work. The minute I'm back, I dump my bag in the hall and rummage through Xian's school bag to make doubly sure that she's completed her homework. She has the tendency to "forget" and there were several instances of her missing out pages and I only realised it when her work gets returned!
Sometimes, I only have my dinner at about 9.30pm - after Xian goes to bed. Threats don't seem to work and I've had to wield the cane or feather duster and hit the poor chair or table before the sloth decides to inch away from the radius of my reach.
What a life.
The realisation hit me hard: Xian needs helps with her work - I think she's overwhelmed with activities and school's moving at too fast a pace for her. The main problem is that she's weak in English and doesn't like to write. She doesn't read as much as I'd like her to, and that weak literacy level has upped the stakes for her.
Yeah, what an irony since her mum's an English major and language teacher with a voracious appetite for books.
I guess what they say is true - it's tough to teach your own kids. That's the whole problem. I get extremely frustrated and whatever oodles of patience I have for my own students magically vapourises the moment I check through Xian's work and spot glaring errors.
My greatest challenge in 2010 will definitely be tackling Xian's issues with school work. And it sure doesn't help that she's steadily becoming more defiant. She's only going to be 8 this year, but that's not stopping her from picking up negative traits and behaviour from the people around her.
*SIGH*. Parenthood is tough. And that's the understatement of the year.
Friday, February 27, 2009
twisted and bruised
I twisted my ankle yesterday just before I left for work in the morning.
Kinda silly actually. Wen was acting up (4th time this week) and fussing so by the time she got ready for breakfast, I was almost late again for my transport. In my rush, I stepped on my slippers while trying to open the shoe cabinet to grab my heels. And that's when it happened.
I hobbled out of the house and caught the bus in the nick of time and didn't think very much about my left ankle because I thought the pain would subside after a while. So I went about my usual activities at work and continued to walk around, ignoring the niggling pain.
It was only after lunch when a few of my colleagues noticed me moving awkwardly. That's when I looked down and realised that my left ankle was slightly bruised and swollen. I called the hub and he suggested I visit his regular "Tui Na" 推拿 expert Henry whose office is at Chinatown.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeks. I hate this form of Chinese Massage where they knead, push, stretch the muscles. The hub knows my threshold for pain during these "Tui Na" sessions is pathetic although he can't understand it especially since I survived 3 natural childbirths without the use of epidural.
Anyway, I decided to go ahead and left office at 4pm (at the advice of my colleagues and supervisors) before the ankle got worse. The hub accompanied me for the "Tui Na" to lend me some moral support - although I think he was more interested to see my reaction during the session.
All I can say is that I let my dignity fly out of the window 5 minutes into the massage. I grimaced in pain as Henry kneaded, pushed, stretched and massaged my left ankle. Halfway through my tears were flowing freely and I was whimpering like a baby. He's obviously very seasoned and even rightfully commented that I had a previous injury years ago which I hadn't bothered about.
Before I left, Henry smiled and said that it would take about 2 days for my ankle to heal as it really wasn't very serious as I hadn't broken any bones. "No need to come back unless it still hurts after a few days." I made a mental note that I wasn't coming back.
This morning when I woke up, my ankle was red and still slightly bruised, with a light swell but I went back to work:
Kinda silly actually. Wen was acting up (4th time this week) and fussing so by the time she got ready for breakfast, I was almost late again for my transport. In my rush, I stepped on my slippers while trying to open the shoe cabinet to grab my heels. And that's when it happened.
I hobbled out of the house and caught the bus in the nick of time and didn't think very much about my left ankle because I thought the pain would subside after a while. So I went about my usual activities at work and continued to walk around, ignoring the niggling pain.
It was only after lunch when a few of my colleagues noticed me moving awkwardly. That's when I looked down and realised that my left ankle was slightly bruised and swollen. I called the hub and he suggested I visit his regular "Tui Na" 推拿 expert Henry whose office is at Chinatown.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeks. I hate this form of Chinese Massage where they knead, push, stretch the muscles. The hub knows my threshold for pain during these "Tui Na" sessions is pathetic although he can't understand it especially since I survived 3 natural childbirths without the use of epidural.
Anyway, I decided to go ahead and left office at 4pm (at the advice of my colleagues and supervisors) before the ankle got worse. The hub accompanied me for the "Tui Na" to lend me some moral support - although I think he was more interested to see my reaction during the session.
All I can say is that I let my dignity fly out of the window 5 minutes into the massage. I grimaced in pain as Henry kneaded, pushed, stretched and massaged my left ankle. Halfway through my tears were flowing freely and I was whimpering like a baby. He's obviously very seasoned and even rightfully commented that I had a previous injury years ago which I hadn't bothered about.
Before I left, Henry smiled and said that it would take about 2 days for my ankle to heal as it really wasn't very serious as I hadn't broken any bones. "No need to come back unless it still hurts after a few days." I made a mental note that I wasn't coming back.
This morning when I woke up, my ankle was red and still slightly bruised, with a light swell but I went back to work:
I could move about albeit a little slowly. By the end of the day, I wasn't limping about as much, and walking up and down the stairs wasn't too difficult. I'm quite confident the ankle will heal soon and more importantly, I won't have to visit Henry again.
Monday, November 24, 2008
it sucks to be me
being a subject leader to a large cohort is extremely challenging.
as kate monster and company from Avenue Q would lament, "it sucks to be me!"
not only do i have to worry about standardising the teaching, facilitation and marking of students' works, i've to constantly send out emails to my other 29 subject colleagues to keep them updated on what's going on, what to do, what NOT to do in classes etc.
you'd think that it'd be a straightforward task, since we're all supposed to be "experts" in our field of COMMUNICATION. but nothing could be further from the truth.
what an irony.
it's frustrating to no end. especially when i've got colleagues who *don't* read emails and *don't* follow simple instructions and *don't* do what they're supposed to do!
i just wanna to kick some butt off the face of this planet!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
well, here's my mood music today - no surprises, it's "It Sucks To Be Me" by the Avenue Q ensemble:
as kate monster and company from Avenue Q would lament, "it sucks to be me!"
not only do i have to worry about standardising the teaching, facilitation and marking of students' works, i've to constantly send out emails to my other 29 subject colleagues to keep them updated on what's going on, what to do, what NOT to do in classes etc.
you'd think that it'd be a straightforward task, since we're all supposed to be "experts" in our field of COMMUNICATION. but nothing could be further from the truth.
what an irony.
it's frustrating to no end. especially when i've got colleagues who *don't* read emails and *don't* follow simple instructions and *don't* do what they're supposed to do!
i just wanna to kick some butt off the face of this planet!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
well, here's my mood music today - no surprises, it's "It Sucks To Be Me" by the Avenue Q ensemble:
Friday, October 24, 2008
barefoot
i walked barefoot in the school compound for 2 minutes this morning...
...and this has nothing to do with me starting a new exercise routine.
...and this has nothing to do with me starting a new exercise routine.you see, on my way to work, the strap of my left shoe broke. i was already at the bus stop when i noticed the loose strap. then as i was boarding the school bus, it suddenly gave way. and it was too late for me to go back and change another pair of shoes.
so when i alighted, i took off both my shoes and threw them into bin. fortunately, there wasn't anyone around when i entered the lift and got out on my floor else they'd think me mad to walk around without any footwear!
i slipped into the room unnoticed - walking barefoot has its advantages of stealth - and grabbed my reeboks. (i'm thankful for keeping my running shoes in the office). and it just so happens that today i'm in semi-casual garb of a long-sleeved linen shirt and corduroy jeans, and wearing them with my sports shoes won't look too awkward.
a few of my colleagues raised an eyebrow when they noticed my choice of footwear (i don't usually wear track shoes during office hours) so i had to explain my misfortune.
ah well, i suppose it's just one of those days. i think i'd better keep a spare pair of heels at work in case a repeat of today's incident occurs.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
home. sick.
i'm back from my 8 day trip to western australia. touched down at singapore changi airport at about 9.20pm on sunday night, 5 october 2008.
it was a lovely break, marred by my falling horribly ill on sunday itself. i wasn't able to sleep much the night before, tossing and turning in bed, waking up with chills and feeling too warm the next hour. but it was only after we checked out of the hotel and headed for breakfast that i just wanted to crawl back under the covers.
i was attacked by a nasty stomach flu. plus too much of rich food, and an overdose of dairy products and meat.
naturally i didn't eat any breakfast as i was overwhelmed by nausea. just the mere thought of food was enough to scramble to the toilet to throw up. the hub had planned to take the kids to AQWA - The Aquarium of Western Australia but i was in no condition (or desire) to go anywhere, except the washroom.
since our flight back to singapore was at 3.55pm, we had some time to spare so the hub went ahead as planned and drove to AQWA. throughout the journey, i was slumped in the backseat with a plastic bag hovering within inches of my face, ever-ready to barf.
wei didn't help the situation with her constant screaming (she doesn't like to be in the car for too long) and the older girls' constant squabbling over nothing and MIL's constant yelling to settle them only added to my throbbing headache.
when we arrived at AQWA, the hub brought xian and wen along while i stayed in the car with wei, MIL and FIL. that was the best arrangement we could figure out as both MIL and FIL weren't too keen on going and even if the hub slung wei in the sarong she wouldn't have understood what was happening.
i tried to take a nap in the car and i think the rest did me some good as i didn't feel as yucky as i did in the morning. at the airport, i managed to consume 1/4 of a cinnamon croissant before boarding the plane. once on the aircraft, i only drank orange juice and water and stole a few pieces of cut fruit from xian's tray since i couldn't eat any savoury food.
actually, i think i would have recovered a little faster if i didn't have to care for a cranky baby. everyone else had some shut-eye time but i wasn't so fortunate.
wei's a bit claustrophobic - she doesn't like to be confined in spaces like the car and airplane - and creates a ruckus when we don't attend to her needs immediately. thankfully, both the MIL and FIL were seating with me and they both took turns to bounce her on their laps and "entertain" her till she got bored and yelled herself hoarse and i carried her back to my seat.
well, my baby terrorliza ain't called screamy for no reason.
the hub was a real sweetie as well. he decided to carry wei during the plane's descend, knowing full well that she'd erupt into another chorus of wails because of the discomfort in her ears due to the change in air pressure. both xian and wen chipped in to distract and comfort wei during the last 15 minutes on the plane until we touched landed. amazingly, the minute wei was placed back in the sarong and we left the plane she became silent again.
monsterina, rascalrella and baby terrorliza (with a 'buay song' look)
usually at the end of any holiday, i'd be moody because i'd wish i could extend my vacation. this time round, i couldn't wait to get back to the comfort of home so that i could enjoy a good rest instead of rushing around after the kids in a foreign land.
*sigh*
it was a real pity that i was ill towards the tail-end of the trip. not the most wonderful ending of an enjoyable holiday with the family. but we did have lots of fun, and we managed to do what we'd mapped out to accomplish. i'd give this trip an 8/10, points lost only because i became sick.
having said that, i can't WAIT for our next family vacation. but first, the hub and i have got to recover from the huge hole in our savings caused by the holiday expenses. plus with the current economic and financial peril, i'm not too hopeful that we'll be able to afford another trip so soon.
we'll see it goes. by the way, we took about 546 photos during our 9 day western australia holiday and i'll need some time to sort them out, so won't be posting them up so soon. :)
it was a lovely break, marred by my falling horribly ill on sunday itself. i wasn't able to sleep much the night before, tossing and turning in bed, waking up with chills and feeling too warm the next hour. but it was only after we checked out of the hotel and headed for breakfast that i just wanted to crawl back under the covers.
i was attacked by a nasty stomach flu. plus too much of rich food, and an overdose of dairy products and meat.
naturally i didn't eat any breakfast as i was overwhelmed by nausea. just the mere thought of food was enough to scramble to the toilet to throw up. the hub had planned to take the kids to AQWA - The Aquarium of Western Australia but i was in no condition (or desire) to go anywhere, except the washroom.
since our flight back to singapore was at 3.55pm, we had some time to spare so the hub went ahead as planned and drove to AQWA. throughout the journey, i was slumped in the backseat with a plastic bag hovering within inches of my face, ever-ready to barf.
wei didn't help the situation with her constant screaming (she doesn't like to be in the car for too long) and the older girls' constant squabbling over nothing and MIL's constant yelling to settle them only added to my throbbing headache.
when we arrived at AQWA, the hub brought xian and wen along while i stayed in the car with wei, MIL and FIL. that was the best arrangement we could figure out as both MIL and FIL weren't too keen on going and even if the hub slung wei in the sarong she wouldn't have understood what was happening.
i tried to take a nap in the car and i think the rest did me some good as i didn't feel as yucky as i did in the morning. at the airport, i managed to consume 1/4 of a cinnamon croissant before boarding the plane. once on the aircraft, i only drank orange juice and water and stole a few pieces of cut fruit from xian's tray since i couldn't eat any savoury food.
actually, i think i would have recovered a little faster if i didn't have to care for a cranky baby. everyone else had some shut-eye time but i wasn't so fortunate.
wei's a bit claustrophobic - she doesn't like to be confined in spaces like the car and airplane - and creates a ruckus when we don't attend to her needs immediately. thankfully, both the MIL and FIL were seating with me and they both took turns to bounce her on their laps and "entertain" her till she got bored and yelled herself hoarse and i carried her back to my seat.
well, my baby terrorliza ain't called screamy for no reason.
the hub was a real sweetie as well. he decided to carry wei during the plane's descend, knowing full well that she'd erupt into another chorus of wails because of the discomfort in her ears due to the change in air pressure. both xian and wen chipped in to distract and comfort wei during the last 15 minutes on the plane until we touched landed. amazingly, the minute wei was placed back in the sarong and we left the plane she became silent again.
monsterina, rascalrella and baby terrorliza (with a 'buay song' look)usually at the end of any holiday, i'd be moody because i'd wish i could extend my vacation. this time round, i couldn't wait to get back to the comfort of home so that i could enjoy a good rest instead of rushing around after the kids in a foreign land.
*sigh*
it was a real pity that i was ill towards the tail-end of the trip. not the most wonderful ending of an enjoyable holiday with the family. but we did have lots of fun, and we managed to do what we'd mapped out to accomplish. i'd give this trip an 8/10, points lost only because i became sick.
having said that, i can't WAIT for our next family vacation. but first, the hub and i have got to recover from the huge hole in our savings caused by the holiday expenses. plus with the current economic and financial peril, i'm not too hopeful that we'll be able to afford another trip so soon.
we'll see it goes. by the way, we took about 546 photos during our 9 day western australia holiday and i'll need some time to sort them out, so won't be posting them up so soon. :)
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