Twenty Two

Hello.

I know. I've disappeared from this social media platform for far too long. I blame it on my own stupidity: co-creating 5 kids, holding a full-time job and attempting to "have-it-all". 

Well, some things have just got to give. In my case, it's my love for writing. These days, if I do pen any posts, it's because I've carved aside some time to document something important.

I'll admit that in recent years, I've not paid much attention to the man I married because the primary focus has been on the kids. I've always assumed that the hubs will be by my side no matter what, that he'd always be here for the family.

Then on 6 May 2018, I nearly became a solo parent due to a freak carpentry accident. 

I won't go into the details of what happened. That's for another time, another entry. Snippets of the drama are captured on my IG.

Suffice to say, the incident involved rotten wood, electrical blades, a golden chain, a jade Buddha pendant, severed nerves, flesh and skin, and blood. 

Lots and lots and lots of blood. 

This was followed by an ambulance ride, an ER stint, staycation at TTSH and ongoing medical follow-ups and consultations.

Thankfully, Heaven intervened. The Hubs survived. He literally escaped the jaws of death, and I am ever-so-grateful that he's still here with us.

This episode has jolted me out of complacency and the misguided belief that the Hubs will be by my side forever more. I've come to the realisation that no matter how little time we have left for ourselves, we must cherish every waking moment or live to regret it.

###

Every August, we celebrate the day we decided to spend the rest of our lives together. Unfortunately, any romantic plans are usually thrown out of the window because we'll inevitably be distracted by a child-related reason. This year, we had to rush Kids 1, 4 and 5 to the doctor because, well, FEVER etc. We substituted dinner plans with takeaway pizza. Bonus: the girls got to enjoy a pizza supper.

We eventually squeezed out a few stolen hours the next day to feast on BBQ stingray, cockles and an oyster omelette at Chomp Chomp. And for dessert, we shared a slice of chocolate cake from Awfully Chocolate.

#myfrankensteinhub

#oldmum

#oldfarts #partnersforlife

Back in 1996, we made the best and worst decision of our lives. And every single thing we have today - the good, bad and ugly - is the result of that one decision.

Here's to us, Hubs! And many, many more.

22

22 years back
An engagement was pledged
To have and to hold
To cherish and to love
To create and to build
A foundation
To weather all storms
To overcome all odds
To share tears of joy and sorrow

22 years ago
A pact was made
To reach for the stars
To acknowledge limitations
To treasure moments
A union
To last a lifetime
To recognise strengths
To accept weaknesses

22 years since
A partnership was formed
To create memories
To sacrifice pleasures for pain
To solider on in darkness and rain
A promise
To bask in each other’s laughter
To grow older and wiser together
To love till the end of our days


Teo Yuan Ching
8 August 2018

Copyright © 2018 Teo Yuan Ching

Coldplay - Everglow (Single Version) - Official Video

Some songs just rip our hearts apart and open the floodgates.

This is one of them.

And I immediately think of Dad. It's been almost 2 years since his passing, and I've picked myself up and moved on.

But every now and then, in the most unexpected moments, I'll think of him.

Missing you Dad. Very, very much.



Everglow

oh they say people come, say people go
this particular diamond was extra special
and though you might be gone, and the world may not know
still I see you, celestial

like a lion you ran,  a goddess you rolled
like an eagle you circled, in perfect purple
so how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
when it feels like the end of my world
when I should but I can’t let you go?

but when I’m cold, cold
oh when I’m cold, cold
there’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
there’s a feeling you give me, an everglow

like brothers in blood, sisters who ride
and we swore on that night we’d be friends til we die
but the changing of winds, and the way waters flow
life as short as the falling of snow
and now I’m gonna miss you I know

but when I’m cold, cold
in water rolled, salt
I know that you’re with me and the way you will show
and you’re with me wherever I go
and you give me this feeling this everglow

oh- I I I I
what I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold
yeah I live for this feeling this everglow

so if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow

Fifth Born

For En: our Unexpected, Unexplainable, Unpredictable, Unforgettable and Unique one. I truly believe she's our gift from Dad.

Number Five: En

Fifth Born

She's our Lil' Miss Unexpected
The miraculous gift that came our way
Overcoming all odds she finally appeared
On 12 February 2017 Sunday

This unpredictable darling of an Aquarian
Debuted in an unforgettable style
Determined to create a dramatic entrance
Making her existence worth the while

We love our doe-eyed Fire Rooster
Mummy, Daddy, four sisters - who's her greatest fan?
Sending our hearts to a delightful flutter
Our fifth little Leonglet - Sook Yan

Teo Yuan Ching
21 March 2017

Copyright © 2017 Teo Yuan Ching

Happy 74th. If only.

Hey Dad

Tomorrow would have been your 74th birthday.

We'd probably have made arrangements for dinner, while the kids would have picked out your birthday cake and made you cards.

Unfortunately, we won't be doing any of these tomorrow. Or ever again.

Nobody would have thought that last year would be the last birthday we'd ever celebrate with you.

If only we knew.

Mum called earlier and she broke down. She was thinking of dinner with the kids tomorrow night but I've to attend an official school event and can't make it. She was disappointed. I think she wanted to be occupied so that she won't be missing your presence so very much.

But I intend to drop by Bright Hill Temple's Ancestral Hall after my morning lessons to visit you. Told Mum we could go for lunch instead before I head back to work. I'll call her later to confirm the arrangements.

Life for us goes on. We miss you, but we just have to march forward and put the pain aside. I have my kids and work to keep myself occupied, so it's much easier for me to solider on although I still do get emotional every once in a while.

I know it's unbearable for Mum but she is coping the best she can, and I'm proud of her efforts to keep positive. But I think you know her best, and how empty she actually feels.

Wherever you are, I hope you've settled in nicely. Do visit us whenever you can spare time from your busy schedule - of course I know you're tied up with many projects and engagements with old friends. You're not one to be twiddling your thumbs and watching clouds drift by. You were never the idler in life, so there's no way you'll be one in the afterlife.

Here's one for the memories, Dad.

Dad's 73rd (and final) Birthday celebration

Your loving daughter always
YC

Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father

Yesterday was Dad's 100 Day Death Anniversary.

We had a simple ceremony where prayers were chanted and there were offerings of vegetarian food and fruits. Dad would have preferred his spicy Indian dishes for sure, but we weren't allowed to bring our own food to the Ancestral Hall.

I'd dreamt of Dad again that very morning. This time, he actually asked, "Am I dead?"

Dad may be physically gone from our world but I believe he's very much alive and kicking in the spiritual realm.

Here's another song for you Dad. Very apt.




Dance with my Father

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me
And then
Spin me around 'till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk
Another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother
Would disagree
To get my way I would run
From her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
yeah yeah
Then finally make me do
Just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
One final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to
Dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how mama would cry for him
I'd pray for her even more than me
I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much to much
But could you send her
The only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But Dear Lord
She's dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

42 Years. Minus Dad.

Today is Fathers' Day and coincidentally it falls on my birthday this year.

And it will be my first birthday in 42 years without Dad.

Sure, there were years Dad was away on business trips or on holidays with Mum, or I wasn't home during my birthdays. Back in 1991 when I was a Junior College student, I participated in the Pre University Seminar Singapore: The Next Lap and my birthday fell in the middle of that week long camp. I was residing at Sheares Hall, National University of Singapore, and I remember receiving a handwritten note during meal time to head over to the general office. Mum had called and asked them to relay a Happy Birthday message since they weren't able to spend my birthday with me.

Mobile phones and social media hadn't exploded on the scene in the 1990s and we relied heavily on old-school communication methods like snail mail and land-line telephones.

But this year, Dad won't even be physically present because we're no longer residing on the same realm.

Many countries around the world, including Singapore, set aside the third Sunday of June to honour Fathers. I did my own little research and discovered that the first ever Fathers' Day was celebrated on 19 June 1910. Since then, Fathers' Day has taken place on 19 June 16 times and if Dad was around, we'd have enjoyed a double celebration for the seventh time.

Fathers' Day usually takes a backseat in our household because Dad doesn't like to be fussed over. A card, simple meal and a token of appreciation would suffice. When the grandkids came along, the atmosphere livened up considerably. My super strict disciplinarian Dad transformed into a super doting Granddad and I couldn't believe he's the same man who'd insist I consume every edible morsel on my plate but waved his hands nonchalantly when my girls had leftovers on theirs - "Don't finish, never mind." 

Our last Fathers' Day meal was at The Mouth Restaurant, NEX. I'd brought along home-cooked porridge for Qi and I recall how Dad was amused by her antics at the dinner table because she was curious about our food. He had commented, "Very soon she'll be running around and joining her sisters." 

Little did we know that it would be our final Father's Day dinner with Dad.

Anyway, I'm in no mood to celebrate anything. Not when one of the duo responsible for my existence no longer exists. While I've never been close enough to Dad to openly pour out my woes and chat about frivolous matters, I think we do share an unspoken bond that's hard to describe. To me, he's a man of few words (because he speaks to me only when the need arises), and I'd get all nervous whenever we sit down for a heart-to-heart conversation. He'd always appeared cold, unfeeling, disapproving and stern, and I was accustomed to being chided for every little thing that angered him.

It's akin to being hauled up by the School Discipline Master and waiting to be admonished for something you've obviously done wrong but clueless about what that is. 

Despite our apparent lack of communication, Dad was always there when I needed advice for life-changing situations. And he always knew the right things to say that would make the most sense. Those were the times when his words would matter most.

While I've accepted his passing, the sense of loss can be overwhelming and I'm still prone to the occasional sob 'n' sniffle. Unlike my mum, aunts, daughters and even the hub, I hadn't dreamt of him since he left us in March. Initially I was rather upset. Why wasn't I able to see him in my dreams at all? Because he's still upset and disappointed in me after all these years?

I'd slowly begun to accept that maybe - just maybe - Dad really didn't think much of his only child, and that I was more an obligation, a responsibility to him. I don't think he'd ever told me or made me feel that he loved me.

Until early Friday morning when he appeared in my dreams.

I was walking towards an elevator and there he stood, with his back facing me. He was dressed in a collared short-sleeved shirt (dark blue?) and beige/cream pants. I called out "Hey Dad!".

He turned, spotted me, his eyes lit up and gave me a huge warm smile.

"Hel-lo!" Dad called out in his usual manner. I hugged him.

"How have you been, Dad?"

"Good, good!" he replied in his usual fashion.

"We miss you!"

And then I jolted out of bed. It was in the wee hours of Friday morning. I sat up for a while, unable to believe that Dad had (finally) appeared in my dreams. I took that as a positive sign, that he's happy where he is and he's acknowledged me. And for the rest of the day, I was glowing.

Dad and I exactly two decades ago as we celebrated my 22nd birthday

Yes, I may be in my 40s but I still feel like a child yearning for a parent's approval. In my mind, Dad's extremely difficult to please and we were at loggerheads (mostly during my teens) because I constantly believed he was disappointed with everything I did.

His brief appearance in my dreams couldn't have come at a better time. And it lessened the heartache a little.

He gave me an early surprise birthday present and that's definitely worth more than physical gifts.

Thanks Dad for remembering my birthday.

And thank you for being My Dad. Happy Fathers' Day.

Dad's demise: 12 weeks on

Two Friday evenings ago, I accompanied Mum to the NUSS Kent Ridge Guild House for the Chemistry Alumni Appreciation Dinner. I agreed as it's been two decades since my graduation and I haven't stepped foot on campus for ages.

Mum was invited to attend the dinner because she had made a donation in memory of Dad to help with the fund raising for Study Awards. (Prior to this, I never knew Dad studied Chemistry! Well, I knew he was a Science student at the Uni but that was about it.) Dad's former Chemistry tutor-turned good friend Dr Lawrence Chia often called Dad to help gather attendees for social/alumni functions. Dr Chia shared that Dad was able to effortlessly and single-handedly round up 100+ guests - such was his influence and network.

Chemistry Alumni Appreciation Dinner at NUSS Kent Ridge Guild House

We were seated at one of the VIP tables reserved for the donors and distinguished guests such as former department Heads and professors. I felt a little out-of-sorts as the room was filed with Chemistry undergraduates, alumni and faculty members. If Mum felt awkward, she didn't show any signs of it. I suppose years of accompanying Dad for his numerous business and social functions trained her well. As for me, I never liked crowds and very much prefer to mind my own business.

Hobnobbing isn't my specialty.

I'm "Ms Teo d/o Richard Teo" because Mum didn't give them my name in time for print

Midway through the dinner, Associate Professor Chin Wee Shong, one of the key fundraisers who also attended Dad's wake, asked us to receive a token of appreciation.  Mum declined to go on stage, so I took her place. Then A/P Chin announced "I would like to invite Ms Teo to receive the token of appreciation - in memory of her father - for the Teo Cher Aik, Richard Study Award."

Surreal to see Dad's name as a "Study Award"

Glassblown gift, hand-made by the Chemistry Department

As I got up to accept the gift from Professor Richard Wong, Head of the Chemistry Department, I was overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions. It was surreal. And it reminded me of Dad's absence. 

When I returned to my seat and the lady next to me, an active Chemistry alumnus who'd been chatting with us, said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. So sorry for your loss."

Mum, who'd been stoic throughout the evening, crumbled and let out a muffled sob. The lump on my throat formed but I reminded myself that I'd to remain calm for Mum's sake. Mum excused herself to the washroom and I was left to answer questions about Dad's illness and situation. Turns out the lady also lost her first husband to Cancer and she was left to raise her three girls alone, with her youngest only ten years old at the time of his death.

At least Dad was around to get me through the key milestones in my life.

Mum realised that the lady shared mutual friends and in an effort to cheer herself up, Mum started chatting about these acquaintances. On our way home she started talking about the classmates she'd lost touch with.

I know it's not an easy period for her at all. Dad and Mum have been married 43 years and they're always together at work, on holidays, exercising etc. The house is filled with memories, and Dad's photographs are still there to remind her of their lifetime together.

If I'm finding it tough to cope with my grief, I can't begin to imagine how Mum's taking it.

As far as I can tell, Mum is putting up a brave front. But I know that's just a facade. It's a fate that we will have to experience one day. Certainly not looking forward to that.

Dad's demise: eight weeks on

It's been eight weeks.

Every time I think I've got my emotions in check, I'm proven wrong.

It's the simplest things that trigger off a tsunami of tears: photos, TV shows, sports, food, books and, of course songs.

Two weeks ago, I was at my second brother-in-law's home celebrating Mothers' Day with the hub's side of the family. BIL was channel surfing during a commercial break (the whole family was glued to the TV set, watching the overly dramatic Taiwanese saga about the intertwined fates of a biscuit-making family and their cronies) till the remote control settled on the Manchester United vs Leicester City match. I immediately turned my attention to the game and threw in several comments on the missed opportunities and lame foul attempts by some players. BIL looked visibility surprised and remarked, "Eh, I didn't know you watch football also?!" to which I replied, "Ya, I used to stay up late on Saturdays to catch the games with my Dad."

And that was it. Images of Dad and I watching football matches flashed before me. Dad's favourite team? Manchester United. (Although I'm not quite sure if Dad would have approved of the current players' horrendous display of sloppiness and terrible mismanagement of the team.)

I had to hold back tears as I didn't want to openly weep in front of the family.

Those weekend TV matches were our dad-daughter bonding moments. Although I don't play football, I appreciate the game and in truth I think I forced myself to understand it because I know Dad loved it. And I really just wanted to have something in common with him to talk about.

The other sport that we both love is tennis, and unlike football, I can actually wield a racquet decently and produce a pretty lethal forehand. Credit to Dad who introduced me to the game and paid for my tennis lessons.

The only sport Dad wanted me to take up but I flatly refused (and genuinely dislike) is golf. He forced me to accompany him to the driving range a few times and I reluctantly tagged along. He was disappointed, needless to say, that I wasn't enthusiastic about golf and after a while, he totally gave up. But he would still remind me - even when I was in my 20s and 30s - that I was silly never to embrace golf like him.

Dad's a natural at sports. He was a swimmer, athlete and golfer (lots of medals and trophies to prove it). He could play most racquet games and ball games too. I've seen him bowling and even playing darts and snooker/pool. And in his later years, he became a firm believer and practitioner of Qigong and Tai Chi.

A true sportsman in every sense. His favourite athletes were the ones who embodied the true spirit of sportsmanship, and he had great respect for those who accepted defeat graciously. And these were the same principles he applied to his business and personal life.

Sometimes I still can't believe that he's no longer with us. He's been such an inspiration and major influence in my life, and I wish I told him that much earlier. I did, however, reveal this to Dad hours before he passed on. Although he appeared to be in comatose stage and couldn't respond directly to me, his erratic heartbeat slowed down and stablised considerably after I made my peace with him. I believed he heard my heartfelt confession and pardoned me for all the times I angered/disappointed him.

I couldn't sleep a few nights ago, tossing and turning till I woke up at 4.00 am. Something was troubling me and I felt the sudden urge to rummage through old photo albums. After sorting out over 20 albums in my possession I realised, most regrettably, that I have no more than 20 photos taken together with Dad.

For two reasons.

Number one: 80% of the photos feature Mum as the star model and if I'm in it, I play the role of her visibly reluctant sidekick.

Number two: Mum's way better in front of the camera than she is behind it.

Proof that Mum's photo composition skills aren't impressive. It looks presentable here because I edited it!

Honestly, I'm no camerawhore and don't quite like being photographed (which explains why I hardly take selfies). Dad's quite camera shy too but he will pose with Mum when she insists.

I gathered a few photos from the albums and promised myself that I'll spend some time salvaging the old, discoloured, scratched ones over the next few months or so. Managed to touch one up today but my Photoshop skills are truly rusty, and I took way too long. Wasn't quite pleased with the results, but will have to set this personal project aside and get back to my kids now.

Dad, I'm going to undertake this photo restoration project - not just photos of us, but that of our whole family. Doing this as a gift to my girls as well, so that they'll have a glimpse to my growing years with you and Mum, and through these photos and stories, they'll learn how you inspired me to be who I am today.

Still missing you very much.

Josh Groban - To where you are

Hey Dad

I'm not *really* a huge Josh Groban fan, but every time I hear this song, my heart shatters, the tears fall freely and I'm reminded of our loss.

Dad, this is exactly how I feel. Yes, I do miss you immensely. Who wouldn't?

Your daughter always
YC



To Where You Are

Who can say for certain?
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my forever love
And you are watching over me from up above?

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing?
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

'Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Dad's demise: four weeks on

Dad left exactly a month ago. There are moments I feel like it was just yesterday, and then other times I feel like it's been way longer.

But I can still see his face so vividly. I can hear his stern voice reprimanding me, his usual gruff "understand or not?" to mark the end of each scolding session.

How can I forget his signature scowl and trademark phrases "What a moron!", "That bugger!" etc. And the furrowed eyebrows. Classic.

Ironic that I would actually miss all of Dad's quick-tempered, hot-tempered explosions. Really, that's how I remember him best.

We didn't shared very many "dad and daughter" moments. But because these were so rare, I treasure the memories - even if 70% of the time it was me trying to avert his glare and choking back tears. Because he was such a difficult person to please, whatever I did, it didn't seem to quite match up to his expectations.

Outwardly, Dad was a strict disciplinarian who set high standards and tough rules. Naturally, I was terrified of him when I was growing up. But over the years, he's mellowed and my girls can't imagine him being such a tough parent because he's such a sweet doting granddad to them.

After almost 42 years, I finally understand his intentions and ways. That's how he expressed his care and concern. And I wished I possessed the wisdom earlier to interpret his "overbearing" behaviour. I guess Dad was just being protective and he wanted me to be "tough" so that I wouldn't be taken advantage of. He was probably worried that if I grew up soft and spoilt, I would not able to take care of myself if he's not around to watch out for me.

Dad, I'm sorry I took so long to appreciate what you've done for me. And now it's too late to tell you that.

Billy Boyd: The Last Goodbye

It's been four weeks.

It's not getting easier. In fact, the "brave" front I've tried hard to put up is crumbling. Ironically, I'm not holding up as well as I did in the initial days of Dad's passing. I tried to keep busy at work, but I can't seem to get my act together. The slightest trigger sets me off, and my poor girls are the ones who bear the brunt of my emotional rages. And I am angry with myself for making them them upset.

All this shall pass, that I know. The process of healing will be a long, arduous task. Those who have lost will understand. Those who haven't witnessed a love one pass on will claim they do and try to emphatise. But they won't until they experience it. And then there are the practical ones who matter-of-factly advise that the only thing certain in Life is Death, so I shouldn't wallow in grief.

I appreciate their good intentions, but I also want to politely remind them that everyone is different, and how we express our emotions is unique to each individual. Please don't judge.

Dad, I know you're watching over me. I don't want to disappoint you, but I could really use some of your help right now to be strong.

Sharing Billy Boyd's The Last Goodbye from The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. I imagine that's what he would be saying to each and everyone of us - "I bid you all a very fond farewell."



The Last Goodbye

I saw the light fade from the sky
On the wind I heard a sigh
As the snowflakes cover
My fallen brothers
I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars
Over snow and winter's morn
I turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

Many places I have been
Many sorrows I have seen
But I don't regret
Nor will I forget
All who took that road with me

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill, and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

To these memories I will hold
With your blessing I will go
To turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

Dad's demise: three weeks on

Dad left us exactly three weeks ago.

We're still coming to terms with the emptiness but we plod on with our daily routine and busy ourselves so that we won't have time to notice his absence.

My aunts (his younger sisters) and two of my daughters (Xian and Wei) have dreamt of him. In their dreams, he's smiling, cheerful, feasting on his favourite foods, waving from the car, horseback riding etc. I haven't dreamt of Dad at all, but I do have dreams related to him even though he's not appeared in them. So yes, he's still in our hearts and minds.

I can't (and don't want to) retain images of him in his last few months when he was so severely weakened by treatments that his memory, mobility and speech were affected. I hated to see my father wither away, fighting a futile duel with Death, a battle no mortal has ever won.

No, I'm sure that's not how he wants us to remember him. And I believe that's why he pushed away friends, even some family members, because he didn't want others to witness his rapid degeneration. Many friends who attended the funeral wake expressed regret/anger that they didn't know the severity of his deteriorating condition, or that they came to know of it much too late. When some eventually did visit him, he was unresponsive and lost his will/ability to speak.

While we're sad he's left us, I choose to believe that he's in a better place. I bet he's enjoying his freedom now, exploring his new home, catching up with old friends, engaging in fiery debates with others over politics, playing golf, doing qigong/tai chi, enjoying his favourite dishes...and many other activities he loves.

Yesterday, as part of the "Ji Ling" ritual, we visited Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery, the Columbarium where we placed Dad's remains. Knowing Dad, he's definitely appreciating the clean, green sprawling lands (about the size of 10 football fields) and unique architecture of Chinese and Southeast Asian influence.

We're all convinced this is undeniably the best final resting place for him. Have a great afterlife Dad!

Pagoda of 10,000 Buddhas

Annie Lennox: Into the West

I don't think Dad was ever a Tolkien fan - even if he was, he wasn't obsessively consumed by the The Lord of the Rings / The Hobbit trilogies like me.

I've always loved this Annie Lennox number which won an Oscar for Best Song. But now, the lyrics hold special meaning for me.

It's been exactly one week since Dad's passing and the emptiness is creeping in. I'm missing him much more than I ever thought I would.



Into the West

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon
Why do the white gulls call
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon
Why do the white gulls call
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the west

My Inspiring Dad

I read this poem as part of the eulogy I delivered at Mandai Crematorium on 19 March 2016, Saturday.

I tried my darnest to be composed, choking back only at the last few lines. Under the circumstances, I think I didn't fare that badly. My uncle caught part of it on film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNRDzsJVuec.

I just keep reminding myself Dad HATES tears and how, when I was younger, he would fly off his handle whenever I started to cry. I was always too emotional for my own good and that got me into a whole lot of trouble with Dad.

Well, that's past now. All the crying in the world can't bring him back. And he would be upset if he knows I've been quietly weeping under the blanket or in the shower when no-one else was around. 

Everyone tells me how Time will heal all wounds and I know eventually it will. But right now, my feelings are too raw and I've to look for my own coping mechanism to express my grief.

And writing about it is a start.

* * *

In Loving Memory of The First Man I’ve ever loved. Rest In Peace Dad.

Teo Cher Aik, Richard
15 July 1942 to 15 March 2016

My Inspiring Dad

The measure of a man is weighed not in gold
But by the richness of his heart
His generous deeds
His riveting stories told

As I listen to all that's shared about you
I'm very much ashamed to admit
There's so much I didn't know
And how so little I actually knew

Growing up I often watched from afar
Always in awe of your commanding presence
Your fiery conviction and passionate beliefs
Traits that define who you are

My rebellious years angered you constantly
You judged me rude, hopeless, incorrigible
I deemed you loveless, tyrannical, unreasonable
When ordered, I obeyed grudgingly

Your words always stung
When you grilled me for my actions
But that's when you'd let slip Life's crucial lessons
And onto them I've since steadfastly clung

Yet I remained stubborn, impertinent
Too eager to prove my worth
Too eager to challenge your views
Because I was juvenile, impatient

I only understood in later years
Why you did what you'd done
When adulthood and parenthood came my way
The wisdom in your words would ring in my ears

Perhaps I didn't turn out the way you hoped
– No fame, no glory, no big money for me
But one easily contended with simple blessings –
Making you worry endlessly about how I coped

Dad, I ask that you have some Faith in me
So don’t despair so quickly
Be rest assured that when darkness falls I'll follow the beacon of your guiding light
Your twin principles: Integrity and Humility

You're a man of your word; your name is your honour
A loyal true friend who puts others before self
A natural born leader whose Empathy and Magnanimity know no bounds
And truly there will never be another

You're the binding force that united strangers
Forging friendships that last through decades
Even when some abuse your Generosity and Trust
You shrugged your shoulders and continued to support others

I am humbled and honoured to have been your Daughter
And I owe you a debt of gratitude which I've yet to repay
Thank you for all you've done for me and the family
Indeed no one could have asked for a better Father

Today you embark on a new journey
To a tranquil place free from suffering, pain and woes
We shall meet again, Dad - no ifs, no buts
So I shan't say farewell for this parting is only temporary

We will all miss you dearly – that you must certainly know
And now there's such a huge void to fill in us all
As much as we dread this moment
We acknowledge it's time to let you go

Here's a final bow and salute to you
(Sir) Richard Teo Cher Aik
You'll remain entrenched in our hearts forever
Rest in Peace and remember always that we love you


Teo Yuan Ching
19 March 2016


Copyright © 2016 Teo Yuan Ching

Rest In Peace Dad

It's over. The months of suffering and excruciating pain. The overdose on chemical cocktails that ravaged a once hale and healthy gentleman who used to look 10 years younger than he actually was.

But I'm glad he made peace with himself and when we parted ways this morning, he was calm and collected, and I couldn't have wished for a more dignified way for him to leave this earth.

I never revealed much about Dad's illness because I promised Mum I wouldn't breathe a word. But now that he's no longer with us, I've nothing to hide.

Dad was diagnosed with brain cancer 7 months ago. But what really did him in was the after-effects of radiation and chemotherapy that wrecked him physically, mentally and emotionally and left him frail and feeble. It wasn't the cancer that killed him - it was his weakened immunity system that crumbled and left him with severe pneumonia.

Ever the gallant warrior, Dad put up a tough fight. It was always a losing battle, but he soldiered on until his last breath. And then we encouraged him to follow the light. Which, we strongly believe, was what he did.

In the last few hours, Dad was surrounded by loved ones. I promised him that we would accompany him in his final journey. I kept my word and watched him take his final breath.

He's in a much better place now. We will miss him dearly but we have to learn to let go. It's time to let him go even though we can't bear to do so. And that's the heart wrenching part.

We'll see you again Dad. The next time we meet, you'll be back on your feet, tucking in to your favourite Indian Rojak, Biryani, Dosa, spicy curries, red bean soup, peanut candy, satay and other sedap dishes! And chiding me for not following your advice about taking up Qi-gong and golf.

Thank you for your sound advice and (sometimes blind) faith in me. You may not have always agreed with my actions, and you never fail to tell me exactly how you feel about these (terrible) decisions, but you have been ever-so-supportive. Will miss you so so very much.

Teo Cher Aik, Richard
15 July 1942 - 15 March 2016

Mothers' Day 2015: My Thoughts

Chanced upon this little article and it got me thinking:

http://theweek.com/speedreads/453562/according-founder-all-celebrating-mothers-day-wrong

Yesterday was Mothers' Day. I told my girls in advance not to waste any money buying me little gifts like pretty beaded trinkets (which will inevitably collect dust because I won't wear them). And the only thing out-of-the ordinary over the weekend was to have dinner with my parents-in-law and my own parents together at a nondescript corner coffee-shop "zichar" stall in a quiet neighbourhood. Our simple version of Mother's Day "celebration".

But I welcome the handmade cards and heartfelt messages on them which, unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to read yet. Oh, I will do so when I can sit down quietly and savour every single word that my girls have written. I don't want to rush through and lose the special moment when the words deliver their impact.

These days, I'm flat-out of energy after 8-9 hours at my (secondary) day job and bracing myself for the remaining waking hours on my (primary) night job as Mum. And now, with Fourthborn (she who doesn't sleep and fights to take naps) thrown into the equation, I find myself being pulled apart in so many different directions I don't even know where to start.

#4is4toomany

Yes, I've said it so many times. I've definitely bitten off way more than I can chew. Not that I have a choice now. My girls are here to stay. But of course. I wouldn't want to have it any other way.

Honestly. How do other working mothers do it?

The obvious answer lies in careful scheduling to juggle my responsibilities. No sweat, right? It's just finding that sweet spot in the whole work-life-balance scheme that I haven't quite figured out yet.

HA.

I have stayed silent on this topic for far too long.

Lately I've been thinking about slowing down work. Perhaps it would have been a much clearer and easier decision if I hate what I'm doing but the awful truth is this: I LOVE MY JOB. So it's really quite a struggle for me because I truly want to be there for my own children. Yet I cherish my work identity and am not just about ready to trade that to be a full-time SAHM. Or opting for a part-time work arrangement.

At some point in my life, however, I would need to evaluate my options and stop being selfish. Sacrifices need to be made - it's just a matter of what I should give up.

For many of my peers who've readily traded Louboutins and Jimmy Choos for Birkenstocks and Havaianas, I salute you.

You've given up lustrous careers and economic independence in exchange for head chef / chauffeur / master teacher duties so that you can quality time spent with your lovely young' uns. You've evolved to become domestic goddesses and master craftswomen, super-duper mummies who run the household with great aplomb.

Just how do you all do it?

You tell me it wasn't easy at the start. And there were sleepless nights and trying moments when you wondered if things would work. You assured me that things will fall in place, eventually. And I would get used to the routines.

But how the hell do you do it?

Do I not love my children adequately? Is that why I'm emotionally torn? Because I'm starting to question if I love my job more than my kids. Or that my family is taking a backseat because I enjoy being in control of my own responsibilities at work knowing that in the home-front, I'm obviously not the one calling the shots? And do I really want to manage the household even if the power to do so is transferred to me?

I'm 41 this year and by now I know who I am and what I want.

And what I don't want.

1. I hate housework. I'm a lousy cleaner and I'm too much of a slob to keep my home clean and tidy. I can't sweep, mop, dust to save my soul.
2. I hate cooking. Just the mere thought of preparing meals for the family stresses me senseless. If I have to spend time in the kitchen, it's out of necessity. I find no joy in marinating, slicing, dicing, stewing, frying, sautéing, grilling etc.
3. I hate checking my children's homework. Yes, I *know* I'm suppose to but I think it's just giving them a license to blame me if I don't remind them to do their work, bring things to school etc. As a parent, I'm supposed to tell them what to do right? And if they make a mistake in their work I'm suppose to identify that and ask them to do corrections? No, I tell them flatly that they're responsible for their own learning and if they forget something, they bear the consequences. 
4. I hate "teaching" and "studying" for my children. No, I simply can't do it. I lose my temper far too quickly when they can't get the concepts right and again I don't really know how best to help them "revise" their work without wringing my own neck. And theirs. 

There, I've got it out. By my own admission, I've just outlined the main reasons why I can't bear to give up my day job to be a SAHM. I'm being frightfully open.

But does that make me a horrible mother? Some think so. They accuse me of being an irresponsible and lazy parent who pays others to do the job (e.g. tuition teachers) and that I don't care enough to ensure my kids are disciplined and diligent. In their eyes, I'm selfish because I'm not willing to make that big sacrifice.

Oh, yes, and that I spend too much money sending the girls for their dance classes (Xian, Wen & Wei), swimming lessons (Wen & Wei), art classes (Wen) and table-tennis coaching (Xian). I should cut down on these activities so that they will enough time to do their homework, study and do well in examinations.

What a terrible role model for my daughters.

Sigh. Old arguments that cause friction and unhappiness, eroding dangerously fragile relationships.

I can never do what my MIL does. She's an amazing example of the self-sacrificing SAHM who cooks, cleans, sews and runs the household with such mastery and clinical efficiency I hang my head in defeat. In other words, she's everything I'm not.

And since she lives with us, I'm reminded everyday of my inadequacy and faults. She's the reason why my fortunate girls enjoy sumptuous meals coupled with nutritious soups. And when they fall ill, I can be rest assured she's there to nurse them back to health with the right tonic soups and dishes.

During dinnertime, she will ensure that there's a dish for every member of the family. She knows our individual preferences and caters to our taste buds. Our refrigerator is stocked with food so we will never go hungry. She bakes cakes, pineapple tarts and other CNY goodies. She sews patchwork blankets, clothes, car mats etc.

How in the world can I top that?

I don't think my girls expect me to be like their paternal grandmother. They know full well I'm not docile and domesticated. And she's plugged the gaps of my missing Mummy-DNA so the girls don't "miss out".

Perhaps I'm not "born" to be a mother. I certainly don't possess certain "compulsory" traits to qualify me automatically for a SAHM post. That's equivalent to the CFO, COO and maybe even the CEO of an MNC. Hardly an easy job, and that's why I regard SAHMs with such high esteem.

So what's my definition of being a "good" mother?

One who's there for my kids - to support them emotionally, to encourage them when they're disheartened, to listen when they talk, to hold their hands in the dark till they can flip the switch, and then let go when their paths are lit.

To accept that they're searching for their own identities and will meet with failure along the way. And when they do fall or bump themselves, help them to stand up on their own two feet instead of carrying them for the rest of their journey.

Sounds idealistic, warm and oh-so-fuzzy? I suppose so. I've always been an emotional creature and to me, those are infinitely more important that providing monetary benefits and comforts. For me, the home is where the heart is.

I'm not the Perfect Mother and no matter what I do, I will never be perfect in everyone's eyes.

I just need to pass my children's test. They are the ones whose opinions matter.

I'd give myself a 4.5/10 for being a mum. It's still work-in-progress and I've had highs and many lows in this tumultuous journey. Maybe in 10 years' time, I will look back and chuckle at my frivolity and silliness, and how I'd wasted a full day ranting over nothing.

Maybe.

But for now, these issues are raw and unnerving, clawing at my conscience and keeping my head spinning, searching for clues to solve my issues.

Ask me in 10 years and hopefully I'd have made peace with my heart.

Qi's Little Steps

My fourthborn has hit one of the biggest milestones in her life – she can now walk!

For every parent, a child’s first steps are the most anticipated and momentous developmental process. Why? Perhaps it’s because walking signals the start of independence – a child’s ability to rely on his own feet, charting his own direction and taking control of his path.

I can’t pinpoint the exact dates my girls started to walk unaided and it’s a pity I didn’t think of documenting those special moments. Regrettably, I was too overconfident of remembering the details (and now my aging brain has failed me) though I can roughly recall the months they started to take those wobbly first steps: Xian (14 months), Wen (15 months), Wei (12 months) and now Qi (13 months).

With Qi, I managed to capture her attempts on the iPad – she walked about 5 steps, without assistance, on 4 April 2015. Exactly 13 months after she appeared in our lives. Weeks before, she’d showed signs that she was all ready and raring to go, taking 1 or 2 steps before faltering and getting up to try again. She’s quite the determined, cheeky, agile little monkey despite her tiny frame (she’s only in the 25^th percentile for her weight and almost 50^th percentile for her height) and we weren’t surprised she was cruising rather quickly.

Two Saturdays ago, we took the kids to the airport with the sole purpose of letting Qi “practise” her walking. The wide open spaces (usually the viewing gallery) are perfect for toddlers who need the “runway”. That’s where her older sisters headed to almost every other weekend while they were learning how to walk and run too. We selected a quiet, isolated spot at T3 and let loose our delighted fourthborn who was giggling and squealing with delight as she spirited up and down the alley. 

Here's proof of our exuberant toddler strutting her stuff, with her watchful "bodyguards" hovering by her side: 

And now, two weeks later, she's steadily dashing about wildly. And we're exhausted scrambling after her.

How fast the kids grow.

How I miss the baby days. ;'(

Daddy's Dynamite

What do you get for a simple, down-to-earth and super practical dude who isn't really into gadgets or expensive branded goods?

Something you can't swipe off the shelves and wrap up in shimmery paper.

Every time he's a daddy again, he gets a 'birthday' poem from his baby girl. He's got three so far, in the respective following years of the girls' births: 2003, 2006, 2009. And now 2015 after the appearance of our fiery-tempered Fourthborn.


Daddy's Dynamite
I know many envy me
Just 'cos I'm the family's baby
Everyone thinks I get my way
And all I do is eat, sleep, poo and play
They don't know how boring it can be
When I'm up and no other Leonglets are around but me
Too bad my three cheh-chehs are already in school
But Daddy do you know what's really cool?
Yours is the first face I see when I wake
That's right, there's no mistake
I know that voice, that hair, that face
Ain't no other who can take your place
Mummy is functional, I can't deny
My calcium fix on her I rely
But Daddy you're my fun-maker playmate
Though you've got so much on your plate
You settle my morning bath before work takes you away
Sometimes you even pop back home midday
Just to check on how I'm doing
Whether I'm eating right, napping and pooping
And when the Moon lights up the night sky
That's when you'll hear me screech and cry
Cos I refuse to sleep - sleep is for the weak!
I may just be a baby but I certainly am not meek
When you step in and do your Daddy discipline thing
I raise the stakes and get into the ring
I fight and scream till I'm hoarse
Seriously. Am I not the little boss?
No-one else can decipher my need
No-one else takes any heed
Only you can understand my pattern
Rocking the sarong to a swaying rhythm
No trial-and-error, no second guessing
You know my demands when I start fussing
Despite me giving you sleepless nights
You patiently put up with my relentless fights
Thank you for loving me come what may
Hugs and kisses from your littlest dynamite Sook Kei

~ Baby Sook Kei ~

Teo Yuan Ching
25 March 2015

Copyright © 2015 Teo Yuan Ching

Dynamite

Incredible how I've let time slip through my fingers.

Last year I was wailing over how Fourthborn was literally taking her own sweet time to meet the world.

And now we're gearing up for her 1st birthday.

This one's for you, Qi.When you grow up and read this, I hope you'll realise the torture you've put as all through.

But we all still love you to bits.

Yes, even when you're totally unreasonable and wake up 3 times in the middle of the night to nurse. And thank you for allowing me at least 3-4 hours sleep everyday. I should be so grateful.

Dynamite

I'm a pint-sized firecracker who doesn't like much to sleep
And this makes my poor caregivers pull their hair and resignedly weep

I'm super duper picky over my caregivers too
Not any Tom, Dick, Harry, Lisa, Mary or Jane will do

There's a priority list of who I fancy
Daddy, Mummy, Big Sis - and that's pretty much for me

I don't like to drink from cups or bottles 'cos I prefer it straight from Mummy
And I'd rather wait to drink from the source even when my tummy's rumbly

True, I may be at the bottom 25% in size and weight
But try messing with me and you'll realise too late

I'm not to be trifled with 'cos I've a nasty temper
And my cranky tantrums are ear-piercing sessions to remember

You may wonder how I get so much energy despite my seemingly poor appetite
Here's my secret: I recharge by snacking on powerbanks and wires 'cos I'm a super dynamite!

My little Dynamite

Teo Yuan Ching
22 February 2015

Copyright © 2015 Teo Yuan Ching

When colours matter

Last week I got a pedicure done and faced the usual dilema: which colour should I paint my toenails in?

It may seem like a frivolous matter totally unworthy of a blog entry but trust me when I say that the colours I pick will spark of a war. Literally.

You see, whenever I get a pedicure, my girls openly squabble over which colour I should choose - usually their favourite colours. Xian roots for purple, Wei chants "GREEN! GREEN! GREEN!" while Wen (who has decidedly outgrown pink) suggests blue, silver and turquoise.

Over the years I've tried out a variety of colours and usually settle for something "safe" i.e. shades of reds, purples, corals, nudes and browns. So last Monday I decided to take a gamble and picked a greenish shade.

The minute the colour was applied on my big toe, I regretted it. Instantly.

I could still change my mind there and then, but I decided to stick with it even though it looked arghfully bleh.

Why?

Because green is Wei's favourite colour and I felt that I "owed" her. And choosing green to "beautify" my twinkle toes was a way of "making it up" to her.

Admittedly, I've been pretty mean to my 6-year-old. Qi has "usurped" Wei's position as baby of the household and Wei's not been reacting well to the situation. While she loves her baby sister to bits, it's obvious that she's still trying to come to terms with how the dynamics of the family has changed. She "acts up" and does things to irritate everyone, just to get our attention.

For example, Wei will jump on the bed while Qi is peacefully lying down. The sudden jolts would shock Qi and she'd cry. That would get us mad and we'd yell at Wei for disturbing her baby sister. Or she'd holler, yell and laugh on purpose when the baby's sleeping. Once, Wei even pinched Qi's cheeks and the baby screamed her lungs out.

I try to control my temper whenever these incidents happen but with less than 6 hours of sleep (interrupted, no less) each day, you can well imagine how grumpy this weary fat cat is. And before I can pinch myself, this provoked tigress roars. No holds barred.

Being the thick-skinned and equally thick-headed child that she is, Wei would usually just shrug her shoulders and stomp off only to return 3 minutes later to either repeat her actions or try a different strategy to get some reaction from me.

It's already exhausting enough to second guess what the baby's trying to communicate. I really don't wish to deal with another kid's insecurities. But I know Wei needs to be reassured that she's still my little ragamuffin and I love her loads despite her constant attempts to push my buttons.

When she caught sight of the colour, she proudly announced to her sisters "Che Che! Mummy painted green you know! GREEN leh!"

Wen the silent observer made sure Wei was out of sight (and ear shot) before she commented, "You chose this to make Wei happy right, Mummy?"

"How did you know?" I asked.

Wen smiled and replied, "Because you don't like green, what! You're just doing this for her. Am I right Mummy?"

Sharp and intuitive, my secondborn. That one keeps her thoughts to herself most of the time but when she does attempt to communicate, she usually surprises me with her sensitivity and maturity.

So here I am with a coat of emerald polish on my toes. It's been exactly a week and I've grown accustomed to the green tips peaking from my slippers. I'll let them grow out and make another trip to the manicurist in a few weeks' time.

Best part? Wei's cut down on her crazy antics these past few days. She's still creating havoc, of course. That's never going to change and we certainly don't expect her to.

Isn't it amazing what a little colour can do?