Can't have my cake and eat it. Can you?

With several blinks of an eye, it's soon gonna be bye bye July.

And I'm quite glad because this month's been a wreck.

I've been bludgeoned by a spate of unfortunate incidents at work and at home. I lost my cool several times and flared up too readily, incurring the wrath of several people, including the poor hub.

I can't explain what happened, but something in me snapped more than once and I guess it was all that I could take.

One of the main reasons for my meltdown was the stress of taking over a colleague's duties when she resigned to care for her family. I started assuming the responsibilities in late May and to top it off, I was also given new projects to manage. It was only this month that I began to realise that I had indeed bitten off more than I could chew.

To make matters worse, the school holidays were over and the girls had gone back to school. Things were particularly tough for Xian who'd not performed well during the mid-year examinations. No surprises for guessing who's made accountable for her less-than-stellar academic performance.

I found myself staying back later in office each day just to clear the administrative work that piled up because I could only get cracking when I'm done with my classes. After 6 in the evening, when most of my colleagues have left for the day, I would start shifting through my files and replying emails.

Just when I thought things couldn't get ANY worse, I realised that I'd become an unwilling listening ear to another colleague who'd conveniently share work grievances when I clearly was in no mood to be sympathetic. Sadly, my non-verbal communication cues seemed to have been totally lost on this ignorant person who was determined to drag me down just because it was possible to do so. It got to the point when I showed traces of agitation and only then did this person get the message and backed off. For a while.

I was SO affected that I couldn't leave the office one evening because I was fuming and couldn't find an outlet to vent. Even when I finally got into the car, I couldn't even drive off because I could feel my heart racing and I knew that if I'd move the car so much as an inch, I would crash dangerously because I really, REALLY wanted to smash something up.

Honestly, I have no patience for those who complain about their "heavy workload" when I'm doing double or triple their share AND still manage to produce decent quality work and meet deadlines.

Needless to say, this deadly combination of overloaded work and crumbling family issues took its toll on my fraying nerves and last week, the walls crumbled.

On Monday, I had to stay back late to speak to my event class' client, sorting out issues and discussing how to help the students get back on track. It just so happened that MIL had an eye operation on the same day and I'd promised the hub that I would rush back as soon as I could. Naturally, I returned home later than expected and we had a spat sparked off by our differing views on Xian's education.  I lashed out at the hub, calling him terrible names and in turn, he gave me the silent treatment for the whole week.

Although we made up at the end of the week (largely because I can't stand the no-communication zone and initiated the peace-making offer, as usual) and things have stabilised a little, the emotional upheaval is still too raw for discomfort.

Work-Life Balance is nothing but a myth and fantasy, and the ones who whole-heartedly embrace this notion are either blatantly naive, do not have young children to care for or those who are super humans, with super kids and armed with superb time management skills.

I confess. I have none of these remarkable abilities. I'm just an ordinary working mother who's trying to juggle unrealistic expectations from family members, keeping my job and maintaining my sanity.

And  I'm sure I'm not the only mother who's greeted with guilt trips when I sacrifice time with my girls for the sake of deadlines at work. Yes, I do want my chocolate fudge cake and eat it and so far I've been fairly successful. That is, until last week when the troubles escalated and blew up in my face.

Looks like I'll just have to cast furtive glances at the delicious chocolate cake. And eat them in my dreams.