The Battle Within

Two weeks have passed since Bonus departed and I sill haven't located that power switch to permanently shut down this nightmarish emotional roller coaster.

At times I feel I've pulled through the ordeal and have emerged a stronger person. I can be all smiles one moment and in the next minute I may suddenly slip into an abyss of self-doubt and cloak myself in melancholy for an hour or two. This is when I'm at my most vulnerable, and my mental faculties fail me. I crank up ridiculous hallucinations and allow myself to be consumed by worst-case scenarios.

And the internal battle rages as my twin selves wrestle back and forth for control. After the process is over, and when my rational side regains some semblance of sanity, I realise with horror that I'm truly capable of sinking into depression. Never thought I'd ever be in this state though I don't believe I've reached the stage where I need to seek any professional treatment.

Still, the truth is shocking, at least to me. I've always taken pride in my abilities to accept things as they are and put up with whatever that's thrown to me. But now, my defences are penetrable and I'm losing my grasp on reality. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never please everyone. I've to face the fact that some people will just never be satisfied. It's very draining having to live with such perfectionists who see faults in everyone but themselves.

I feel like such a coward for even entertaining thoughts of running away from my family, including the hub, and kids. In truth, I feel like I've been a huge disappointment, that I've failed in my responsibilities as a wife and mother, and that the sooner a replacement is found to take over, the better it would be for the whole family.

And then I'd get furious with myself for embracing such a defeatist attitude.

It takes a hell lot of effort to create the illusion that I'm all right, that I've come to terms with fate, that I'm moving on with life. And honestly, I've deceived myself into believing that as well. Nothing can be further from the truth. I've also discovered that the mind is indeed a dangerous entity and when permitted to wander, it will crawl into the deepest, darkest corners and shut itself away from the light.

So I have to fight, not with external forces, but with demons from within. In all my 37 years, this is my toughest challenge yet.