Today, I Despair

For the first time in many years, I suddenly feel like throwing everything away and going into hiding.

I'm a little ashamed to say it but I think I'm losing it - my stuff, my patience, my mind. Last Friday I lost my handphone. My battered and chipped Nokia N95 accompanied me to the washroom and that was the last I'd seen of it. It was an old phone and it had seen better days, but I was more distraught about losing the data - contacts and most importantly, photos and videos of my kids. I just don't like the thought of someone else looking through my messages, private details and memories of my family.

Today, I realised I lost something important and what's worse, it doesn't belong to me. I searched the whole office upside down, turned everything inside and out but I couldn't find it.

I've just about had it with myself and everything else. Maybe this is a sign that I should reconsider my options and take stock of what's happening in my life.

As predicted, Xian's results were disappointing but what's more upsetting is that I don't know how to help her pull through this. I don't have the answers and I certainly don't have the solution to solve her issues.

And I feel alone in this because everyone else in the family has a conflicting view towards her dyslexia. The hub strongly believes Xian just needs to work hard to overcome her learning disabilities. Everyone wants her to do better and is encouraging her in different ways. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive but some of the remarks, while uttered with good intentions, appear to have produced a negative effect on Xian. I sense her helplessness and frustration but I'm equally at a loss. Fingers point at my direction for not guiding her properly - what kind of mother am I for not spending enough time and effort in helping her revise her schoolwork before the exams? Why didn't I take leave from work to guide her properly?

At work, I'm scrambling to complete deadlines and handle administrative responsibilities that come with my appointment. I have no qualms about admitting that I am happier teaching. Management work is something I don't fancy and it's what I turned away from in my previous job because I wanted to focus and concentrate on being a teacher who'll make a difference to others' lives. I don't want the additional responsibilities of managing other people or being held accountable for the actions of others.

I'm no quitter, but today, I've had it. It's been such a long time since I've felt this miserable and I'm totally, absolutely disgusted with myself.

I'm not strong enough. I'm crying as I type this. I just fucking hate myself for being so uncharacteristically weak and for being in this deplorable state. I just want to lock myself away and throw away the damn key. I'm not asking for sympathy and I don't others to pity me because I don't deserve any and I sure as hell don't want to drag anyone down.

I'm writing because that's always been my way of coping with stress. And I was hoping that it would, as always, make me feel a little better.

But even this is not working. And I'm rambling on without a structure in place. I'm furiously keying in my thoughts as they flash across my mind.

Today, I despair.
My emotions are beyond repair.
I just want to scream.
I just want to escape.

Today, I am an empty tank.
My mind is a state of blank.
I just want to weep.
I just want to hate.

Today, I am derailed.
My five senses have failed.
I just want to disappear.
I just want to get away from it all.

What the hell is happening to me?