Me Mumsy. Me HULK.

This entry was created on my Nokia X3-02 over two months ago while I was sitting by the teaching pool at Toa Payoh Swimming Complex, waiting for Wen to finish her swimming lesson. While deleting data from my phone, I chanced upon this and decided to upload it to my blog.

It's the last day of school hols and as usual it's a mad scramble to complete Xian’s holiday homework.

Procrastination is indeed the thief of time. I realised that she's not ready to be entrusted with the responsibility of completing her holiday homework without supervision. And I’m at fault to assume that she'd finished her tasks as claimed. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she confidently proclaimed she'd completed all her work and failed to check till it was too late.

Will I ever learn? This whole mum gig is certainly not my thing. I'm a work horse when it comes to my own domain and livelihood. But I totally suck at being responsible for my kids. Simply put, I'm just too laid back, ill-disciplined and complacent to monitor their academic progress.

Sometimes I wish I were I little more “pushy” like the average Singaporean parent. My ever-devoted SIL gave up her job to be a stay-at-home mum and her two kids are performing brilliantly at school. They didn’t sprout academic brilliance overnight though – both were drilled with assessments the moment they attended preschool. My SIL is extremely strict with her kids and I’m impressed with how disciplined they’ve turned out to be.

In contrast, my three girls are rowdy, carefree wild dogs running all over the prairie. And now I’m worried that my preference for individualism has inevitably cultivated a trio of ill-disciplined goblins, drifters with aimless ambitions. And should my kids become less-than successful (academically or otherwise), fingers will point my way for having failed to be the role-model they’re supposed to emulate.

So when things don’t turn out the way they should, I must bear the burden that I could have prevent this by being a better parent. One who's able to provide financial and emotional support. One who will exemplify good manners and upright moral conduct. One who will instill in them old-school discipline which, in turn, will equip them with tenacious survival skills.

Such a tall order for someone who’s FAR from perfect.

As I stumble and fumble my way through Parenthood, I wonder if I should take a leaf out of SIL's parenting manual and make more sacrifices for the family. I’m constantly in an emotional turmoil because I want to be there for my kids and have been thinking of slowing down the pace of work. A few of my close friends have made that bold step to work part-time or take some years off their illustrious careers so that they can concentrate on bringing-up their brood.

But every time I sit with my kids to guide them with their homework, I transform into a raging and rampaging Hulk, especially when I can’t understand why they’re not able to accomplish a seemingly simple assignment. I’m infinitely patient with my students and am able to put up with their nonsensical excuses and impertinent behaviour. But my tolerance with my own flesh and blood is practically non-existent and I flare up so easily that it scares the hell out of me.

So if I decide to be a stay-at-home mum, I’m wondering if the situation will improve or deteriorate. My relationship with the girls will be threatened no less, and I don’t want them to fear me. I guess I’m too emotional for my own good. I know I have to STOP making decisions based on how I feel or how others would feel. You’d think that years of marriage (and influence from the hub) would turn me into a reasonable, pragmatic, practical and disciplined individual.

I guess not.

And so my internal debate continues as my selfish pride wages a long-drawn war with my conscience.