Bonus

In memory of Bonus, the little one we lost.

You were a pleasant surprise we didn't expect
The delight we believed too good to be true
We silently rejoiced with anticipation of welcoming you

You would have been our Number Four
We even dubbed you our little "bonus"
And we could hardly wait for you to join us

But shadows constantly clouded my mind
And a niggling, prickling doubt persisted
While a morbid mortal fear festered

And in the midst of CNY festivities
Our celebrations were cruelly cut short
Confirmation came that your tiny heart beat not

Guilt. Grief. Blame. Despair.
What did I do? What did I not do?
That could have done this to you?

Despite the hopes and prayers
There was little anyone could do
There was no miracle in the world to save you

With no options, the decision was perfectly clear
And in our final agonising days together
I prayed fervently that you never did suffer

Three deep breaths on fateful Monday
In an uneasy slumber I drifted on
And when I roused you were gone

I will never be able to cuddle you
I will never see your smiles, laughter or tears
Neither will I ever get to comfort or soothe your fears

I will never get the chance to sing or read to you
I will never see you kick, crawl and run
Worse of all, I will never hear you call me "Mum"

Maybe it was a blessing you were taken early
Before your development was complete
Before you grew organs, little hands and feet

Still, you were a creation of love
A life, a living being
Viciously denied the opportunity of existing

I shall not lie and say it doesn't hurt
Perhaps in time these emotional scars will heal
But for now the pain is much too real

This chapter has ended and we must move on
Though you are no more physically
You will always live on in our memory

May you be at peace in a better place
Where you're loved, cherished and cared for
Goodbye Bonus, my would-have-been Number Four


Teo Yuan Ching
9 February 2012

Copyright © Teo Yuan Ching